Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, I am 29 but had a pretty big meltdown over the weekend at my parent's house and I am feeling very embarrassed, guilty and ashamed.
I ran out of the room and laid on the floor in the living room crying and saying I don't want to do things and that I'm a horrid person. Mum and Dad then persuaded me to go back to bed but I felt like I wasn't really in touch with myself as I remember crying in bed and ignoring Mum when she spoke to me. I didn't mean to ignore her, I just couldn't process what she was saying but she got more overwhelmed and upset as I just blanked her.
On Sunday I was really slow to do anything and felt like I needed to hide as I felt really guilty. I returned to my flat and spent the whole evening in bed.
I had a thought about what set this all off:
1. I have been having IT problems and I hate change and when things 'break' even though they're not really broken.
2. I watched a programme with Mum and Dad which had animals in cages which upset me.
3. A pop up came up on my iPhone on the web browser and I was worried I had broken it.
I am feeling a lot better today and Mum and Dad drove to my flat with some cakes and we all had a chat which was nice, I said sorry too but I am so upset with myself and know this is likely to happen again in the future even though I will try really hard not to let it happen.
I am feeling very tired and unsure what to do next. I feel like I need to stop using technology completely to avoid triggers but Mum says that I can't stop using technology like my phone as you need one this day and age and she's right.
Any advice would be really welcome as I'm feeling lost. I don't want to keep punishing myself for what happened over this weekend, but I also feel too tired to mask.
Hello,
sorry to hear you have had such a traumatic meltdown. You have nothing to feel guilty about as we cannot help having meltdowns as they are a autistic survival mechanism. I have had meltdowns before and snapped at people which really is not me but I have no control over this. Your parents seem very supportive of you and understanding which is good. Sadly not everyone is so understanding.
Masking is exhausting work so try not to do this if you can. You are right about looking at triggers for a meltdown. I tend to feel the pressure building and get myself to a quiet spot, even when in central London. Please do not get too focused on triggers as I find no matter what I do, when a meltdown is on its way I just have to go with it as it would be too exhausting to try and stop a major one.
Thank you Lucy.
One of the great things about this place is that our help can reach.....to more numbers than we/you may think.
Masking (or as I feel it masking is = not being honest and forthright about what our heads are telling us to do or say).......REALLY is mindbendingly frustrating and accordingly exhausting.
Your advice is very sound, and helpful.
........and personally, I DO LOUDLY pay attention to the coincidence/fortuitous/surreptitious timing of any/all connections made.
Like you, I do my very best to help others if I can.......but it is very lovely to have it flow back sometimes too.
Thanks again.
Thank you Number, that means a lot to me. I do my best to help others as i know too well just how hard life can be at times.