Published on 12, July, 2020
I've done bad things. I didn't respect boundaries, I came across as though I was entitled to friendships and I didn't communicate clearly, meaning that I misjudged what someone was comfortable with. I was reckless with it.
I've made lots of bad choices. One of many was befriending people who would sooner share the things I've said in private with their 12,000 Twitter followers than speak to me. There's wanting to hold someone accountable for their actions and there's setting people who weren't party to any of it onto you. Total strangers lecturing you like you're a child. Others accusing you of all sorts.
It's the sort of thing which would make you want to retreat and double down. I never did, though given the scale of the anger that I was faced with (albeit justified), I almost want to.
They expected me to deal with it like a neurotypical person. Suddenly it was like, "you are no longer an autistic person in our eyes". They had all made their minds up yet still expected me to explain myself. They wanted me to make an apology statement; I needed a few days to fully process it but I wasn't given that.
It was the equivalent of bullies beating up a kid in the playground, begging him to say sorry, he says sorry and they just carry on kicking his head in. Doesn't matter what the reason is, it doesn't help.
Someone else in a comments section said "is he even actually autistic?". This made me really angry. Someone chiming in (after having spent 20 minutes slagging me off) saying "well, he used to keep spreadsheets of his friends which is very autistic" didn't help - yes, it was true, and they were sort of defending me, but you don't get to do that when you encouraged that comment in the first place. I get that you were angry but that's my life.
These are other autistic people, by the way. You'd think they'd be more understanding but when they've decided that you're neurotypical, there's no chance of that. At least my therapist also sees how absurd the handling of it was.
When it all died down, only one person (of those who witnessed it) asked if I was okay. Just one and they're an acquaintance so they could never have helped me. I know I'm not entitled to anything, I'm not a believer of "you must be able to handle me at my worst" but that (as well as everything else) made it hard to trust others.
Please don't tell me that I should change therapists, because I am perfectly happy with my therapist and it's just naturally going to be a long process. It was the most traumatic thing I ever went through, and me having made a new friend doesn't change that. It's going to take time.
Please don't accuse me of playing the victim or trying to garner attention. I can only speak about my own experience and I have every right to without being made to feel ashamed or like I should just shut up and deal with it.
It sounds to me like you might have (unfortunately) experienced a clique (in the context of: "a small close-knit group of people who do not readily allow others to join them").
Cliques can be fickle about who is / is not included within the "in" crowd.
When engaging with such a clique there is an enhanced risk of injustice eventually being felt by both those within the group and those not admitted.
There may not be reason enough available to successfully be applied to such a conflict resolution.
Both sides of the equation would benefit from drawing a line under the proceedings and stepping away from each other (physically, online and within thought processes).
The incident is an object lesson (to all), in three parts;
1) both that anyone is capable of making mistakes and everyone can resort to mean-spirited behaviour when they feel slighted (real or perceived),
2) there is nothing to be gained, by either side, by engaging in the protracted post mortem of such an unpleasant situation (the temptation to do so is seductive but better for wellbeing to be resisted), and
3) irrespective of whether NT or Autistic; we are all still simply human (with the associated frailties that membership entails).
That to which you allude sounds like it has been a ghastly experience. However, I wish for you; that you don't give it the power to further prey upon your thoughts, feelings and wellbeing.
It is clearly observable (from your posts on other threads in our Forum) that: you have much in the way of generosity, wisdom and enthusiasm on other topics to offer to share with fellow Autistic people in our Community. That is a good health-giving path.
I hope you will find a way to become comfortable putting your energy into those other threads again.
If I were in your place, and I were to find it seems a really difficult challenge for me to tackle by myself (moving on from the bad experience and re-engage with our Community on other topics); I would hope someone would be kind enough to encourage me to reach out for help from someone known or contactable by me in the real World.
People in the real World are available to you (be they close to you or new to you). I am, as kindly as I know how, gently reminding you of that availability (and hoping you will reach out to the real World if you were to find that you need to do so).
You owe it to yourself to look after your wellbeing.
I feel confident there are likely to be plenty of people on our Forum up for being supportive of your endeavour (helping you as you look after your wellbeing) ... probably via engagement / re-engagement on threads other than this one.
Best wishes.
I appreciate your response. I avoided speaking to people for a while because I thought I didn't deserve it.
I guess many would argue that regardless, I would have benefited from that.