Published on 12, July, 2020
I've done bad things. I didn't respect boundaries, I came across as though I was entitled to friendships and I didn't communicate clearly, meaning that I misjudged what someone was comfortable with. I was reckless with it.
I've made lots of bad choices. One of many was befriending people who would sooner share the things I've said in private with their 12,000 Twitter followers than speak to me. There's wanting to hold someone accountable for their actions and there's setting people who weren't party to any of it onto you. Total strangers lecturing you like you're a child. Others accusing you of all sorts.
It's the sort of thing which would make you want to retreat and double down. I never did, though given the scale of the anger that I was faced with (albeit justified), I almost want to.
They expected me to deal with it like a neurotypical person. Suddenly it was like, "you are no longer an autistic person in our eyes". They had all made their minds up yet still expected me to explain myself. They wanted me to make an apology statement; I needed a few days to fully process it but I wasn't given that.
It was the equivalent of bullies beating up a kid in the playground, begging him to say sorry, he says sorry and they just carry on kicking his head in. Doesn't matter what the reason is, it doesn't help.
Someone else in a comments section said "is he even actually autistic?". This made me really angry. Someone chiming in (after having spent 20 minutes slagging me off) saying "well, he used to keep spreadsheets of his friends which is very autistic" didn't help - yes, it was true, and they were sort of defending me, but you don't get to do that when you encouraged that comment in the first place. I get that you were angry but that's my life.
These are other autistic people, by the way. You'd think they'd be more understanding but when they've decided that you're neurotypical, there's no chance of that. At least my therapist also sees how absurd the handling of it was.
When it all died down, only one person (of those who witnessed it) asked if I was okay. Just one and they're an acquaintance so they could never have helped me. I know I'm not entitled to anything, I'm not a believer of "you must be able to handle me at my worst" but that (as well as everything else) made it hard to trust others.
Please don't tell me that I should change therapists, because I am perfectly happy with my therapist and it's just naturally going to be a long process. It was the most traumatic thing I ever went through, and me having made a new friend doesn't change that. It's going to take time.
Please don't accuse me of playing the victim or trying to garner attention. I can only speak about my own experience and I have every right to without being made to feel ashamed or like I should just shut up and deal with it.
Yes ,the idea that Autistics are incapable of evil is paternalistic nonsense.
We're human beings too. I think that individual wanted to paint me as this evil, psychopathic monster. Something I still think I might be.
You seem alright to me. Are you the guy that had all that trouble on twitter or am I confusing you with another poster?
Perhaps. It's the fact no one offered any support, and somehow it's surprising that I'm still feeling this way.
Autistic's have a wide range of views. Perhaps it is them who were behaving badly and not yourself? Social media encourages groupthink and bad behaviour
As other's have said, I really think you need to learn to let this go and move on. It will eat you alive otherwise.
This is where it gets complicated. They weren't NT's, they were other autistics.
It was other autistics behaving like this.
Remember that NT's have shorter memories than we do. You are probably the only person alive who still thinks of it.
They said to me "we will never forget this". I'm still trying to form a network of people around me but it's a case of, how can I trust that they won't completely ditch me if something goes wrong? Much as I doubt that would ever happen again.It was a case of "they said it, so it must be true, and everyone reading it believes them". I wouldn't care if it was such an isolated part of the internet but millions of people will have seen those tweets (in terms of that view count).
Ok my friend. You need to erase the thoughts of it from your mind. I would suggest a deep dive into a new special interest. Remember what happened on there need not define you for the rest of your life. The people were internet strangers and just because they are tweeting about you , it does not need mean that they know or understand you.I was an active participant on twitter many years ago and you can best believe I got into debates on there. But ultimately the people did not know me, nor I them. We just had different views.
It is me. I'm not on there and haven't been on there since May 2023.
Yet the worry is still there. I have been trying to understand why, I think it's the difficulty with how I was treated and hung out to dry, and how those who were so horrible seemingly just got away with it. No one went after them.
It has been 15 months. It probably won't get easier.