My Wildlife holidays.

Hi Zo, I'm sorry to hear that you are unhappy where you live. It must be very tough for you. I guess that your mum is worried that you'll end up with nowhere. Places are full up, and it must be very hard for them to match needs with what a place can do. And then there is geography on top of all that - your ideal place may be in Newcastle (I've made that up). None of those reasons make this any less difficult for you, though.

I hope that 'mega' phone man gets board of it soon.

I hope that you week is getting easier.

I was defiantly very anxious. the social workers are all different so the social worker that comes to my review changes and they arnt my social worker but social workers this social worker that came today is my social worker and to save me repeating my social worker the name is Lucy. not Lucy the dog from home just to clarify.  so if i use the name Lucy that is my social worker. she hasnt seen me since 2018.

I started the care i have now  in late 2013.  mid 2013 I  not long started getting  payed for care and at some point in the week during my first week where the money used to go to   before i could settle in proper I  went through  traunatic exsperiance caused by a life threatening complication  due to my rare condiition Tuberous Sclerosis.  after being in hospital for a couple of months  not long after going home from hospital a breack up ocured during the same time frame. around Christmas in 2013 I started here   ever since late 2013 which is when  i started where my money is going to its never been suitable for me. my  Mum knows that im not happy with it but shes worried about the process  other places in case they cant find anywhere else and worrys in case there isnt anywhere better and due to these worrys even though i have been saying i know what its like and she doesnt and that I want to leave where the support is going to for ever since 2013. I have been wanting to tell the social workers  ever since but instead of saying no Iv been saying no i dont want to talk to you cause I know if I say no to the social worker what Mums atitude is like towards that and how cause she has a different point of view will twist things around. 

there was a lady  that used to come and see me here  I told her i wasnt happy with where i am.  she was the one that  refered me here and so thought it was iimportant  i should  tell her cause she knew me and  used to see me so i told her i wasnt happy here but I hadnt been here as long cause it was around 2013 2014 time frame but  i knew its not a suitable place for me to live and knew things would get worse but  nothing happened. now its 2024 and as i exspected from past exsperiances of places that are unsuitable for me that i havnt been happy in and have had to leave from more and more factors came up over the period i lived there and reasons why it was unsuitable it has cause i wasnt taken sireously to begin with at the start. now its 2024 and i know what i want and dont want and need and dont need from past exsperiance and my exsperiance  here from where the money goes if i get the opportunity  to need to look elsewhere. I did tell my support worker no in the end. to be honest i almost gave in to my anxiety and almost said no i dont want to talk but i did say no eventualy which i havnt said to any social workers over the years. its been 10 or 11 years so the money has been going to here ever since 2013 but i dont like the fact my money is being spent somewhere un suitable it needs to be spent somewhere suitable. 

I was told by the social worker shes from the county council and asked me to give the reasons that im not happy here. unfortuantly iv been surpressing the reasons for so Many years now its hard to open up so im not going to blurt everything out with ease. she said do you want to go somewhere else and i said yes.  she suggested telling Mum the reasons i want to leave and why where the money is going isnt suitable so that she can tell her. but im so uncomfortable with opening back up to her about it again after her atitude towards everything that i never did when i went home so I asked if i could speak to my social worker in person cause it will be easyer for me and she said ok she will try. she messaged her to ask but it will take a few days for her to respond. im needing to write all the reasons down and what will make another place better before Mum can even do anything though she said 

I hope that it went OK with the social worker.

You really do have my sympathy about the karaoke.

We had next door neighbours that did building work for two years!!! And then they proceeded to have a baby. We like children. We can't have our own. But it is very draining when you have to put up with babies crying night and day. You have to put up with it because you can't complain about babies. They can't help it. The extra annoying thing was that the previous two owners also had new born babies but then moved out when they got older and quieter.

It is tough having noise sensitivity.

I do have a suggestion - If the novelty of it doesn't wear off for him, could you ask the people in charge if he could come to some sort of agreement where he only uses the 'mega' phone at certain times? Then you could prepare for it each day with your headphones, or whatever.

yea and belive it or not iv just been woken  up by at 8:30. he has a loud voice anyway which is just the way he is. not ideal for someone like me with hypersensitive hearing and he has his music blaring  but that is the way he is so if you merge The kareoke microphone that iv nicknamed mega phone particularly with the kareoke itself which he will also have on loud volume then Iv been cooked up a loud cocktail. I dont normaly go to the things where people sing happy Birthday but I was offered a cake which was vegetarian and that was nice of them but the Birthday present or  cocktail they  delilvered later om I could of done without. 

I dont know what im going to do about it in genral anyway though to be honest he was loud enough without it and now its way too loud but if I ask if he or they can turn things down or keeps things down abit when its too noisy or loud and I only do it if its too noisy or loud for me cause of my hearing then I i get told off which is wrong.

so I dont know what im going to do about the microphone in the long term but it is certainly not somethong i can put up with in the long term cause I can hear it through the wall in my room even though hes one floor down. 

The meeting is at 10 oclock. im not normaly ready by 10 though so I wouldnt of been able to go anyway and im very slow at getting ready so unless i need to go home or go on holiday if I have to do that then I end up haveing to get up early or getting down what takes a long time the day before so thay i can be on time the next day. 

 Mum and  the social worker and other person that is coming fpr the meeting they are coming now ready for 10 but the meeting doesnt actual start until 10 but thanfuly im not going to it. the lady will come up after the meeting amd ask me the question that im anxious about reaponding to

but im also anxious cause I dont know what they will be talking about in relation to how much money is going to where its going and weather there will be changes and Anxious about things turning out negatively and due to certain factors that is defantly something im anxious about too so theres more than one thing that is causeing my Anxiety about the meeting 

. 

That is really bad luck about the 'mega' phone on the day before your social worker appointment. I hope that it goes ok and has the best outcome. It really does sound stressful, but I hope that you have a nice time with your family afterwards.

peace and quiet at last. in the end it wasnt just  he  one other that who can also be loud and noisy also wanted a go with micro phone  but have    gone to bed now so now my priority is to enjoy it while it lasts cause tomarow i will have to put up with what  I will now call a mega phone cause micro makes it sound micro which just doesnt fit if you ask me.  im going home after the meeting though thankfuly. i wont be going to it but the lady will want to ask me the thing im anxious about answering for reasons i stated previously though and i still havnt decided what to respond causse of the aprehension of if i say no. i could say I dont want to answer but then that isnt as honest as if i answered no and i dont want to answer yes cause that wont be honest.

I never say yes at my revues cause I dont want to be dishonest. only i dont want to answer but they have to ask at every revue every year and I allways respond with the same thing

so nothing changes cause of my Anxiety about the potiential things i know could go wrong if i do say no when they ask me at my revue

 my intuition keeps telling me youv been saying this for so many years now so its gone on long enough now and now its 2024 you really need to tell her so im kind of stuck.

that is what is causeing so much of my anxiety about it still and my mind wont stop talking in my head and going on at me in my head almost trying to get me to decide and trying to persuade me to say no when my social woker asks toarow as a result. i keep respding to the words in my head with anxiety but my mind wont give up until iv either been persuaded by it or made a decition on what to say tomarow its wanting me to say no but my anxiety is preventing me from doing so 

 when its all finaly over i dont know weather the outcome will be all the same as usual which is that they dont get an answer from me as to weather im happy with where my support is going or not and just have Mums feedback which wont reflect my actual exsperiance 

its weather i say I dont want to answer cause of the reasons I said earlyer   or weather I  say no then risk what im anxious about 

but once all that is over i can go home and i can also get away from the microphone which would probably of prohibited me from relaxing back to baseline from my anxiety should i of not gone home after the meeting but since it will of been an eventful day for me i will of course need time to process everthing 

That made me laugh  "thoughtfully or unthoughtfully depending on how you look at it "

Well, at least you have a small breather because of today - if you can cope with the karaoke microphone.

she came in today so I asked if we can sort them out another time and she said yes 

I dont know weather she understood what she meant by that though so im still worried about Wednesday and Friday just not the sorting out the club today thing now thankfuly cause she didnt do it today cause of what  said. just got the meeting on Wednesday and what I said about Friday to worry about. I did go down planning to say so I was wondering if we could not do it this week but another time quickly but I got the nerves cause of an exspression she pulled that i didnt understand but she doesnt understand how sireous i am about the journalism and sports club and it doesnt help that iv had to post pone sorting it due to my first week coming back. cause i got the nerves i completley missed out the this week and just said another time but at least i didnt need  to sort it out with her today. not only do I have the meeting thing plus going home afterwards theres another event aswell its  my sissters birthday in a couple of days on the 7th October.

it is also someones birthday in the house aparantly and its there birthday today  also and someone who knows i have hypersenitive hearing  thoughtfuly or un thoughtfuly depending on how you look at it  bought the person a kareoke plus kareoke microphone which is un belivably loud when he speaks through it that aside relaxing week it is (hopefuly)  after the meeting tomarow i hope but i will be needing to process the day the day after still. 

the sports person and the person sorting out the sports club are two diferent people. so the one sorting out the form with me and the one the form being sent to are two different people. me and the person alreaady sorted out a form a couple of months ago. the form needed both my legal name and my biological sex and it didnt say anywhere what are your pronouns or gender identity or any gender identity options on the form or anything like that it was literaly just what is your legal  name and biological sex which was very uncomfortable for me.

for me i operate on I dont either want or not want something unless i say that to be the case cause people have a fustraiting tendancy to  try to read my mind rather than ask questions and so jump to lots of conclusions and form many asumptions  that have never been said by me personaly and i get it alot. 

I dont  exspect people to know that i dont want to do a club or whatever it is i desire to do if i dont  without telling them eventualy  but with the person sorting the form out shes on a different level and trys to read things that havnt been verbalised to her or said as is so i made it clear what i want to do 

the person sorting out the sports club knows iv been looking into lots of clubs and looking for some i want to do and i let her know some of them but that the sports club thing is one of the ones i want to do 

i was told she would let me know if they get back to me so i waited. there was no response for about 1 to 2 months so when i next saw her she said shes going to get back to them and ask what is going on 

and that she will let me know if they get back to her so I waited August and September and I thought while im waiting for the sport thing to be sorted il sort out the journalism course i also want to do and cause its flexable i can do it whenver which means i can carry on as i usualy do day to day and go out but also do the course aswell then it wont disturb my routine that is the idea i came up with for the course and one of the reasons it would be better than doing it at a college.  the idea is there is no set day or time so i can do it whenever so it wont get in the way of going out. but the lady sorting that and the sports club out got the wrong idea and thought it was cause i just want to do the course all day so said she will only sort the journalism thing out if there is set days which defeats the objject of why im doing it 

eventualy i will need to for the journalism course but in order to go into college i need to do this course and then do GCSEs afterwards and get a certain score so that i can get into the college and do a course proper. 

I wasnt able to do GCSEs as a child at school or college cause they were too diffucult due to my autism and learning disability but i had to find out what grades i got so me and Mum looked and aparantly i passed  an entry level 2 in englsh and maths and passed  entry level 3 in science. 

Mum says i cant do GCSEs cause im autistic and have a learning disability. i responded and said just cause you have autism and learning disability doesnt mean you cant do GCSEs and i have a hard time thinking theres no one out there with autism and learning disabilitys who has done GCSEs

i made it clear i really do want to do it to get into the college and by the end of the day after a long discussion they said to start from the begining and work my way up rather than saying yes or no. 

but an entry level isnt going to get me into the college and i will need to get grades in english and maths or literature in a course for the college i want to do the journalism course at. but i found out that i would need to do an introductery course in journalism before i can even go onto the next step which will be a course acredited by the nctj and the college i want to go to is already acredited by it so GCSEs and  college will be the step after 

after i did enough research on the journalism thing i let the lady sorting my sports club out know and fustraitingly i had a bad foot at the time so going to the club was no until it was better and I exsplained to her due to my bad foot i wouldnt be allowed cause if you have an injury you have to sit it out and you arnt fit to train so wont be able to do it until my foot is better when its better 

as for the journalism thing 

 the idea is there is no set day or time so i can do it whenever so it wont get in the way of going out. but the lady sorting that and the sports club out got the wrong idea and thought it was cause i just want to do the course all day so said she will only sort the journalism thing out if there is set days which defeats the objject of why im doing it and not going to college 

and since she didnt get back to me about the sports club i continued waiting and looking into the journalism course and she went to sort it out. then at the end of last month I kept being asked if i still wanted to do the sports club and i replyed yes I was in the car then when someone told me they asumed i didnt want to do the sports club anymore and i responded no not unless i say I dont want to otherwise so i was told to let the person know that is sorting out the sports club cause she thinks that she asumes i dont want to do it anymore cause of the journalism 

so yesterday i asked about the sports club and if they came back and i was told by her i thought you didnt want to do it anymore cause of the journalism and I said no not unless I say so. and not unless i say i am or im not. 

and she said ok we will have to do the form again cause i told them you changed your mind. so we will do it on Tuesday. but that will mean me having to put my legal name and biological sex all over again 

and then i still dont know where they stand with transgender rights and they split male and female teams up. 

the journalism thing she still doesnt understand about the idea of it and that its not for the reason she thinks and still wants to know if i still want to do it even though i do and so said i do yesterday.

I didnt want to sort out the sports thing or journalism thing out this week cause of the meeting and it will be overwhelming and so i found it really diffucult trying to get the words out and I was too slow to respond cause i was very nervous so just as the first few words slowly started coming out in a both stumbling and stuttering or stammering fashion tto  start the converstaion of in a way to make it easy for me to leaad on to the question to not do it this week due tto struggling to form a full  sentencce without long pauses and stutering  i got interupted and that is where she asked about the journalism thing. she said we will sort everything out on Tuesday altogether so i said can we sort the journalism thing out  on Thursday instead not on Tuesday but she couldnt do thursday so i said if not thursday then friday and she said friday I had to  improvise  cause she was leaving before she left though and didnt have enough time to take my time due to mu nerves and try and tell her and  i couldnt process everything what is said and how i should respond best and when on the spot at the time. i dont make well thought out decitions and choose what the best thing to say and do is and the way to respond effectively under pressure. by the time i realised what iv done and what the consquences of improvising was and not being able to give myself the time to tell her not to sort it out this week she had already left. 

You have a picture of cabins by the water. Is one of those your cabin? 

for the bug hotel  i thought you meant cabin cause you asked about the cabin so i got what you said mixed up

that was the part i was responding to 

the bug hotel is at the forest retreat where people park there cars and theres a gift shop and cafe but it is near to the pond 

I understand. I have never been able to put this into words before, but I am exactly the same. Like you say, even afterwards being more overwhelmed.

It's a shame the organiser didn't understand fully. If I may say one thing in their defence - (I don't know these things and they are just random guesses) - but there may be factors like the sports only being open for registration at certain times of the year, or the course enrolment only happening once a year, and they are trying to get it done so that there isn't a super long wait before the next possible time. Like I say, I don't actually know, just that they may have their reasons.

I meant bug hotel, not big hotel before - I've corrected this. Mine is tiny - but it is fully booked!

yes the thing is though that when i come back from holiday I have to settle back into the normal routine again and if I have to think about other things or events take place that same week  it interupts the process of settling back into my routine again and it takes me a week to fully settle back into my routine again and so if I dont settle ib to my routine smoothly it delays fully settling in properly  by another week which can cause probloms . 

so for me its best not to have things going on the first  week i come back it takes time for me to process things and I know my limits. if events ocur all at once in a short time frame even if i do it one at a time things  tend to go horribly wrong one way or another. its not just the processing of infomation before events ocur but also what events have happened after the events  my brain processes aswell  

starting both the sports club and journalism course next week even if the person did sort it out this week woukd be overwhelming cause it will afect my normal routine that i will of only just settled back into at least (hopefuly) and then settling in is pointless cause I will end up haveing to re adjust to a different routine and cause im transgebder I dont want the club knowing my biological sex only my gender identity and they have to know your biological sex for the club

I found out the person thats doing it for me aparantly asumed I didnt want to do it anymore cause I mentioned the journalism thing even though i actualy wanted to do both and not one at the exspense of the other 

so she is going to be printing a form to send all over again today and that requires giving them your biological sex which was already very uncomfortable to do  the first time around 

and then of course theres all the teams being split into male and female and then I also know they have gun to produce a sound and let people know when its time to race and I cant stand guns cause of my hyper sensitive hearing and my ear defenders dont block out all sound frequences only certain ones even loud noises dont allways get blocked out deoending on what it is  and there will be lots of people aswell

even though I want to do the club it doesnt mean that It should be sorted out this week even though iv been waiting for it to get sorted for a couple of months  for instance cause I get overwhelmed easily its best to do it when iv settled in same with the the journalism thing. its meant to be flexable so I cam do it when i want which means i can go out aswell as also do the course

but the person whos sorting out has a different idea entirely on everything abd has got the wrong idea in correctly  asuming the reason Iv chosen an online course that is flexable is instead so that i dont go out and only do the course when the oposite is true 

so there thinking too much into it  and not letting me just get on with and  it defeats the whole purpose of doing it 

if too many things happen at once in one week then im then unable to do the other even after iv done one cause its only after iv done each one my brain gradualy procesess what has ocured what it entiles and what is happening next now after the events and depending on how many they are and how big each one is for me then I dont allways sucessfuly process everything that happened that week 

it all becomes a big jumble and after everything is said and done i end up more overwhelmed than when i started 

as for the upside down bird the bird waa actualy literaly climbing up in that way it is called a treecreeper

if your refering to the photos below the pond there is at the forest retreat we went for a walk there the big pond though is the one that the cabin is on but not at the part of the pond where the retreat is. 

I understand this feeling too (and others here do as well, I reckon) I can only really think about one thing at a time. This isn't just tasks, but also new things in the future (like preparing for an event). It does sound like a tough week for you (I did read your social worker / mum post last night before going to sleep). I would be extremely anxious with it all happening at the same time too.

Hopefully when one of these things is done, the others will seem a little easier.

You got some great photos. I particularly liked the upside down bird clinging on to the underside of the branch.

You have a picture of cabins by the water. Is one of those your cabin? 

Edit: I also love the bug hotel. It is so much bigger than mine!

im Anxious about tomarow and this week in general.  someone is over eager and thinking i want to get my sport and journalism thing sorted out all in one week it doesnt sound like much but with me if too many things happen at once then I get overwhelmed and  I also have the meeting on Wednesday to think about  aswell as my sports club and journalism course and its abit much for me all at once since its only my first week back from holiday and I need to settle into my routine again also then im hoping to have a relaxed week rather than eventful so im unable to concentrate on anything except these things but that so Im struggling to think of my holiday which I was doing origionaly before all this came up offline yesterday afternoon. idealy under my current circunstances  I need to be in a relaxed state rather than anxious state to write and post the photos of my holiday. i would if I was able to focus on it properly but im struggling to focus on it 

its not the holiday post  thats overwhelming me in fact the holiday thing isnt an amxious thing and i enjoy it and  im not  rushing or anything either. im just struggling to concentrate on it cause of a persons over eagerness overwhelming me with too many things at once. 

the next part is a big trip so I really dont want to rush it and i need a break.   il take my time and do the rest later this evening. having a wifi with a mind of its own can be abit tireing but since its stable its safe to spend more time on it and not rush. I prefer  to write aswell as send photos when I do my holiday rather than just send photos. conversations arnt a problom cause i have my mobile data its mainly the wifi cause i can only acess my photos on my laptop 

belive it or not the wifi is full again now. it cant make its mind up 

edit: its stable now

im getting this sent before it suddenly goes off again. I meant to get as much done as i can yesterday  it tends to go off at the worst possible moment almost like its been programed to go off the second you have either finished writing or pressed a send button. the bars as of the start of this writing were full which is great I was unable to send any photos all afternoon and only had  time to chat. I would of sent photos if i was able to.  i was going to chat about whatever until it comes back on but that will have to wait the signal is only on 2 bars now. 

part 2 the walk 

back at the cabin 

im afraid i can only chat for now still rather than send photos cause the wifi is still funny so im useing mobile data.

that is interesting what you said about your Dad.

on Wednesday my Mum is having a meeting with my social worker and someone else about how much money social services give for support I have a revue every year.

 so she will be dropping me off so I will be with Mum and Dad the rest of the day on Wednesday unfortunatly I dont want them to keep paying for where I get the support cause I havnt been happy about it since they started paying in 2013 and how much money is being payed to where there paying it is what the meeting is about.

but Mum doesnt like me saying this sort of thing to the social worker and so Mum puts a positive spin on it and even though i have a choice weather to go to the meeting or not the dis comfort and aprehension about what could happen if I went is overwhelming and i know they paint a conpletely different picture to the way I actualu exsperiance it as in relation to where  the money for the suport is going to 

I get very anxious when i see people im groups it brings on sudden anxiety that wasnt there until I see a group its usualy a group of 3 or more.

I I also dont speak to people over phones or video calls  that includes  my Mum so pretty much anyone really either cause i get exstremly shy and nervous amd dont talk much I also get amcious alot when it comes to phone calls so there usualy out of the question when it comes to things like social workers and what not so my Mum or someone else usualy makes phones calls or video calls for me 

the money and support issue is something iv had since they started paying for me in 2013 where its being paid and weather im happy with it or not.

the thing is after they say are you happy with your support or not they normaly say and how can it improve if your not happy with it either through words or writing and what they could do but its not that sort of thing

its rather just an issue of it needing  to be spent where its more suitable 

 I dont normaly go to meetings with Mum and my social worker so i just stay stay in my room in case she wants to ask question or I go out   usualy. 

I also have a thing about meetings cause I get overwhelmed after them. 

and add to that I dont understand money so other people take care of the money for me so what they talk about i dont understand and also find very boring 

Mum has a different point of view to me on everything so isnt much help at all during the reciews. they mean well and they try but its just not suitable for various reasons in the long term for me due to certain factors and my sensory challanges 

aswell as my autism even though i have a learning disability i do have autism aswell and the thing is ome disorder gets more atention than the other so that my other needs like  my autism emd up getting overlooked at the exspense of my learning disability even though its not intentional. then when it comes to my autism my learning disability gets overlooked un intentionaly. 

the support they are going to be  discussing is more  learning disability orientated and the goal is also learning disability orientated  more than autism related and not all my needs are being met equaly even though Mum belives they are.

Im getting less support for my sensory challanges than other things aswell as that  peoples atotudes have become more negative since. 

every year i end up learning  more reasons  as to why t just isnt suitable for me and im actualy happier away from where the support is being paid which unfortunatly isnt the point in them paying to where there paying it 

the lady is going to want to ask if im happy with where the support is going but Iv closed up emotionaly about it to social workers  and im uncomfortable telling them cause of Mums atitude to the issue. 

im at the stage in life where iv had to learn the hard way what do you want vs what does your Mum want and that cause your old enough you need to make your owm decitions and be aware of  the rights you have

and this is something i struggle with cause im used to people making decitions on my behalf im used to someone else making decitions on my support based on what they have observed or on my behalf 

 and having more power over decitions i make about my support and so feelling like no matter what  decition i make about it it will ultimatly be decided by my Mum or soemone else in the end anyway instead and i dont know weather it is the right time to tell my social worker 

but ultimatly even if I did say im not happy with where its being payed  to then it is unlikely to change since Mum would try  to provide evidamce to the contrary and persuade them and turn it  into a  though he says this kind of scenario 

the reason being is she worrys about what would happen if I told my social worker and the whole diffucult process of fchangeing it and finding somewhere else for it to be spent so that it is payed elsewhere if it can even be found cause wev been through the whole long process before 

so I dont know if I will be at the meeting or not or whatever is going to happen or what to do  but eithet way I will be here in the morning at 10 and then out for the day 

that is only on Wednesday though. 

tomarow im hoping to sort the sports club thing out but first i need to be sure of where they stand on transgender rights rather than just jump in 

with the photos for my holiday wifi isnt on at the moment but when it is i will send more pictures for the holiday 

I welled up with tears reading about your Greek dad and your letter. I think because there are similarities to my own story. My own dad went back home to the USA when I was around 3. I did see him on occasion, every few years, Based on what has been said about him and similarities that I have to him, I suspect he was autistic. He has also passed on.

thanks. im actualy very similar in the sense that I find it alot easyer to exsplain thiings through words and drawings so writeing and drawings. 

ammoung other things than I do actualy talking to others.  on the outside im seen as being very articulate communication wise and you wouldnt think i had a social disability on the surface. i find it actualy makes  the struggles i have iin communication apear invisable on the surface  so it  makes it very hard to spot cause of the apearance. I dont hide the struggles and there allways there its like iv been born with an outer persona without a choice in the matter that overshadows all the communication and processing side of things or other challanges i face as a result of my autism  its almost like a blind that it put over.   alot of it is on a mental level so no one can see so that when or if my communication struggles become more obvious they wonder why since i come across as very fluent and articulate on the surface. on the surface i come across as having very good communication skills 

so when i do exspress the social struggles i have they are easily down played or not easily understood no matter how well or how hard i try to exsplain things. 

in fact this is one of the things that worrys my Mum sometimes  cause i have a learning disability but cause i have autism aswell as a learning disability i come across not needing exstra help since my autism makes it that i  apear to have  such good communication skills i easily cause doubt I have things like prossecing and communication and social diffucultys that result from my autism having  social diffucultys in social interaction  to the point one would wonder why i even need exstra help in the first place on the surface  exspecialy with the amount of facts and the kind of things i come out with and cause im very clever and knoledgable due to my autism  its the positve side and this sort of thing that Mum finds geting me exstra help for my speacial needs diffucult but i cant help it unfortunatly. 

however strangers and some people do pick up on my social challanges when it comes out but cause i come across as articulate puting the two together and understanding what i say and what i exsplain is very diffuclt but they have the idea that something is up and im acting differently. 

for me when i was at seconary school a speacial school for people with autism called rowdeford school I wrote my anxietys in a yellow book and then show the teacher what im anxious about or i would write storys and they commented on my writing which after reading a story about an exsperiance with a jellyfish when i was 16 at the beach in menorca  they said is a gift of mine and to keep at it. feedback usualy involved my writing being very exspressive and detailed about my personal exsperiance including what i thought and how i felt and physical sensation and reaction my body had as a result amoung other things and what happened next 

with things like exsperiances or exsplaining things i find it alot easyer to do it through written word than verbaly even though i can also say these things through words i find i put things alot better and even though i have all the right things in my head they just wont come out and i struggle with processing too so it means i have more time to process and say things the way i do best 

my dad is my step dad both my mum and dad are english but my biological father was greek cause he used to live in cypress then moved to the uk eventualy my greek family mainly speak greek so can be hard to undertsand them but my biological  Dad and other dads brother who is my uncle for me can speak some english aswell as greek. the english side can only speak english which would be my Mum and stepdad. my biological dad had  had mental health probloms smoking and alcohol probloms who said he will see me again when i was 10 that mum broke up with when i was 5 before moving alot and going to different mainstream schools before settling into one when i was older the final time i saw him was when i was 10 i waited and tryed not to loose hope that i will see him again ever since. he had contacted us for years. Mum asumed he meant it since hes usualy un eliable with texting and phoning and stuff and we didnt know where he was or what he was doing. i still tryed not to loose hope but in 2014 we found out where he was. a hospital phoned Mum and told her he is in hospital and that he isnt going to be alive for long he was in his 60s but it was due to smoking.  i didnt see him at hospital and we couldnt see him so I did him a letter about how old i am now and how i am doing and other things which the nurses noticed that he still had the lettet in his hand when he went so they put in in his draw and they burnt the letter whe doing the cremation he wasnt good father when he was one and didnt look after me properly and there was something wrong with him acording to Mum. but still loved me anyway this impacted me alot and belive it or not i wasnt interested inthings like genetics and  family until this event and it led me to learning about my family roots and my other dad and i had things passed onto me that he liked which i aparantly also have in common. acording to Mum i take after my other dad alot. I had no idea that my other family that i saw sometimes was from greek heritage and that my english family are from english heritage so no the dad i live with isnt my biological dad but he is my step dad. my sisster is aparantly actualy my step sisster cause she isnt from the same dad and my brother is my step brother. 

wilber didnt come with us this time cause hes not good with other dogs. the reason he came with us last time was cause we couldnt take the other dog. alfie likes going on holiday and is more solitary and doesnt like being with the other dogs so we take him alot 

we normaly take Aphie ziggy and willow 

You describe your inner self very well, Zo. I'm 54, autistic but don't have learning difficulties and I couldn't explain things like this as well as you do.

I guess that one of the things that I can relate to is that I can sometimes describe these things afterwards, in writing, but I can never get a description out verbally - especially at the time.

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote today. (I think a lot of us here would do to)