My Wildlife holidays.

thanks for letting me know. i wasnt sure if it a similar thing to what happened to Debbie but just without the locking aspect and  if it was anyone pressing spam or abuse on the comment like say if there new and not knowing what the rules are and doing that instead of checking the terms and conditions or weather  it was instead someone who knew it didnt breack them  but pressed the button by mistake or something else. its my first time a harmless comment has been reported as spam or abuse. for the update it  depends. i found out weather the social worker could see me or not which is good but im not 100 percent certain about the update itself it could of been better. i didnt take writings home or anything  but i did find out more about the social worker situation 

It won't be anything that you wrote, Zo. The filter is over sensitive. The appeal can take a while sometimes because they are understaffed. 

Sometimes, if I am writing a long post, I use a separate text editor and get it right then paste it in here.

I hope that the update is good. 

as of  this comment iv not long come back from going home for the day. Iv provided an update about my  social worker situation cause  i last commented about it  here 2 days ago and how things have been but it was mistakenly flagged as spam and was only there for less than 5 minutes. iv submited an apeal as I wouldnt send anything that is against the rules and it didnt break any of there rules. so I dont know weather to wait until the comment becomes visbale again whenever that will be or just give you a quick  update now then  wait for my comment to be apealed for you to read more infomation and context on the the update 

iv come back from home. we went strait for a walk which i wasnt exspecting.  there was people cutting trees shorter in the garden at home Dad said cause they were too tall. 

twhen i got back from the walk I asked Mum if the social worker can see me and when. the social worker has got back to Mum and said that she is on holiday and she is busy and of course that im shy so cant see me which i didnt have a good reaction to. I tryed to exsplain to Mum I would find it easyer to show her directly which is why i want to see her. im not going to be comfortable giving it to Mum to send to her even though she does need to be invlolved. Mum thought i was tyring to say that i dont want to involve her but what i was trying to say is simply that giiving my social worker the reasons directly rather than to say staff to send to her or to my Mum to send to her and she just kept repeating what i already knew that she said for me to do. write everything down so that she can give it to my social worker so from that conversation i could tell she didnt undertsand what it was that i was asking. problom is it is about who im more likely to feell comfortable opening up to and discussing it with so neither Mum nor the ssocial worker understands where im coming from as to why i want to see her. I found this very stressful. 

if my social worker would understand why i couldnt tell her and why it wasnt easy for me to tell her aswell as why i couldnt have a proper conversation about it for instance i was going to be going home and i though she only came to ask if im happy or not and then leave and not realised she would of wanted a proper chat about it and even if we could of would of been too much for me all in one day and plus all that busy week i had. what i thought she was going to come back to Mum with was i can do this day or that day since im busy but it wasnt anything like that so i have no idea how im going to get this written and given cause my Mum wont undertsand what i say and it is only for the social worker. i would also want to be there when she looks at them which is something you cant do on the other side of a devicw and to make sure she understands i will probably want to exspalin it to her but none of this is possible if what Mum told me is anything to go by. 

we mainly spent time with the dogs. Dad made a comment about something what he said was related to a study comparing people and something else and it was a topic on hyper sensitivaty in that something else and making comaprisons.   it caused me to become skeptical and so i asked him if he knows about the study and how it was conducted or weather they included people who are hypersensitive or not or weather it was people without hypersensitivaty involved in the study or weather it was both aswell as how many and weather it was a mixed gender study or study relating to only males and females or weather male and female  wasnt a factor and wether it was a large study or not and he said he doesnt know but that he knows it means everyone just cause it says people and nothing more so i made it clear to him that its just his belief that that is what it means if he doesnt know anything about the study and what people were involved in it and that he should be careful about what he says  even though i didnt say he was right or wrong and just wanted details about the study Dad who has a short temper sometimes then got anoyed and i got anoyed cause he kept repeating himself rather than looking up the study and having an interesting conversation with each other in relation to it and cause im hypersensitive  i found it stressful.

it caused me to be fustraited with him for the  i was interested and thought it would be interesting for us to research and discuss the study together but he was more interested in repeating the same thing over and over rather than listening and being understanding so Mum walked out the room.

i. managed to settle it mostly with him and we do mostly get along but when things happen with my family it can leave me fustraited for a long time other  other than that the day went ok and I have pictures i could add the day thread just thought i would provide an update about the social worker 

maybe. it dpends on what the days like tomarow. going home with Mum tomarow meant if the manager did come in then she wouldnt be able to talk to me about the things i worried about her bringing up. it also meant i could tell Mum iv written down the reasons the care homes not suitable for the social worker at the same time so things move along more quickly. but cause im not going home the manager could talk to me about the things i worried about her talking with me about and things are going more slowly in relation to the social worker thing  so it will take longer for things to move along but I will have more time to prepare 

Maybe it will give you more time to prepare. At least she has just delayed your visit and not cancelled it altogether.

I wont be seeing Mum tomarow now. I got a text from Mum and she said she  is picking me up on Tuesday now. she was going to pick me up on Monday  cause she was free on Monday  and take me home but she said shes been called into work for Monday now so she cant see me until Tuesday so I will be here tomarow whereas origionaly i would of been out of the day.

its very last minute cause its the day before and iv had in my head that i will be going home tomarow so it will mess with my head. I I didnt see the message until this afternoon and  thefore given I got   less than a day to process everything  I will probably  wake up and  to  get ready for Mum anyway

 though I would also have time to do what im doing tomarow I dont know weather the manager will be coming in or not or what tomarow is going to be like. I could of course carry on tomarow aswell but I dont know but the sooner i get it done the better

Mum hasnt let me Know if  the social woker has got back to her yet or not either as to when i can see her she said she will but hasnt yet 

how it  summarised it or  its produced it from the prompt is  ok I wouldnt say good but I wouldnt say bad either and  its not 100 percent acurate but  close enough.  that aside   I still think it will be easyer to summarise afterwards if summarising might help rather than summarising it now  would help organise my thoughts better.   that is quiet interesting how it organised and summarised everything though. 

I tried using ChatGTP to summarise just one of your posts here (not all of them) The one that started, "I meant to add on my post about the lady..." (just a few posts below this)

Let me know if this kind of summary would be useful to you. (I didn't just paste it in - I had to come up with a good prompt)

It got summarised as this:

"The person is reflecting on a diagnosis they received in 2016, which was a type of mood disorder. A mental health professional with authority to diagnose observed and assessed them in 2013, 2014, and 2016. They initially weren’t impressed with the 2016 diagnosis due to stigma, especially since they already face challenges related to autism and a learning disability. However, after doing research, they realized that some of the diagnosis made sense, even though they didn’t fit all the criteria.

They believe that past experiences, such as being bullied in college, feeling unsafe, and lacking friends, may have contributed to the diagnosis. Additional factors, like trauma from 2013, family deaths, and living in an unhappy environment, also seemed to play a role. They think these events, along with their autism and learning disability, may have contributed to their mental health struggles.

Finally, they mentioned meeting their mother next Monday and expressed difficulty in summarizing these experiences for their social worker, spanning from 2013 to the present."

maybe not at the monent  but you could ( maybe) when iv finished im not sure it depends if i need it sumarised then .  but other than that  if I do need any help before that il let you know.  thanks for offering 

Hi Zo,

If you need any help summarising your thoughts that you have put here - I can give it a try.

another thing aswell is that its been very I dont know what the word is not embarassing but awkward around the staff members because im a very quiet person I dont show my emotions too much in front of others but when I think i meed to or be nesacery I allow them to come to the surface and i cam be very exspressive bit i still try to remain as controled as possible so in that way im very reserved

when im in a envirement that im comfortable in or happy in I tend to be more comfortable letting my feellings become more visable either on my face or in my body language but i still stay controled all the same so most of the time im very reserved when it comes to my emotions.

my face and body language can contradict how i really think and feell inside sometimes but not only that I can show no signs of being anxious or stressed or anything whatsoever and as I go about my every day life in the house and act completely normal so on the outside to people like when im with staff and what not  and theres  no indication to them that im even remotely un happy living here and this has allways been the case for many years that iv been here 

this can make it exstremly awkward if say you need to exspress thoughts and feellings or when it comes to situations like this im about to describe Im un certain of how to react with the staff cause my mind is used to being so reserved around them and also It may or may not help if i act reserved but my mind has been coping this way for 10 years and that is a very long time it is normal enough that I automaticaly react this way with them due to being in a place that isnt suitable for me for so long and it has created a very awkward situation

cause now i dont know weather to not act reserved so that they know or act reserved but weather i want to or not my mind automaticaly goes into reserved mode the second I walk out the door every day. im very good at adopting the correct body language amd behaving like myself on the outside while also hideing my emotions from them to the point of behaving fine or even as if happy in the long term just to get through every day

now that iv told the socisl worker im not happy here and that i know the social wirker has told the staff things are very awkward im trying to just sort things out with my social worker and Mum and get to the leaving stage

before i even sqy anything to the staff cause i dont know what there reaction will be to it and they may not be much help and so I dont know how to react around them weather i should let myself habitualy for coping purposes act reserved around them or weather I should just let the fact im not happy living here show or not while im sorting this whole thing out about my social worker im also very worried about the manager asking me why i told the social worker im not happy here next week before i even get to sort everything out with Mum and my Social worker 

an update on the athletics   thing aswell 

either my key worker or me is going to ask the manager  about visiting to see whay its like first before paying again before i make any decitions 

the journalism thing i dont know how im going to sort that out yet as the manager still doesnt understand why i wanted a flexable course and still under the asumption I could stop going out evem though I wouldnt do that cause I would also want to gonout and practice what iv learned aswell or still go out too but those are the updates I thought I would also add 

apologies. i made a comment it made a duplicate by mistake when my comment was sent then all my comments disapeared so it was  being awkward. theres multiple factors involved not just one

aswell as that i also need to more directly write what about the way the house works and the factors that make it un suitable the problom is and this is the big thing that prevented me telling her on the spot 

while most would be able to say yes im not happy here and then describe the reasons with ease with me i have had to surpress the reasons for so many years up to now so that I could tell someone like the social workers when the time is right. 

was a way of coping as i had no comfort in telling the social workers weather im happy here or not and that it isnt suitable.

 telling them was the  first step and was challanging enough as it is. i was then exspected to exsplain why im not happy living here and why  it isnt suitable

cause i was short on time cause i was going to be going home so then of course being closed up to my social workers and my Mum due to not being able to tell my social worker im not happy where i am and that its unsuitable  has meant my mind is now used to keeping them to myself and uses it as a way of coping with living in a place that is un suitable

the trouble is its going to take  time to become comfortable with my social worker and eventualy open up to her about why its un suitable and this will take me out of my comfort zone

and the thing is when it comes to this kind of thing if im anxiuous enough or been surpressing for long enough i can find myself with almost like a stone in front preventing me from bringing them not just out my mouth to vocalise but also get onto paper this is where i end up silent and not telling anyone or even writing instead even though writing is easyer when i cant exsplain through words if keeping something to yourslef happens for too long and your body uses it and becomes a norm

due to needing to of used it for so long this kind of thing causes a block in writing so that im unable to get it all onto paper 

its the person that i will be showing it to that is causeing the writing block and the block in being able to adress all the factors that its unsuitable and how another place would be better even though i would be able to if i was comfortable and not anxious exspressing these to her in order to adress them to her even though i know they need to be so that i can go elsewhere 

I hope that these posts are helping you to get your thoughts in order for them.

Bullying is one of the worst things in the world. A lot of people on this board have suffered through bullying, sadly. I know that I did, but not as badly as you describe.

I meant to add on my post about the lady by the way she is was a mental health professional  and had the authority to observe and recognise disorders and go and get me  diagnosises so it wasnt just any lady that came to see me and diagnosed me around 2013 and 2014 and 2016. the diagnosis in 2016 I wasnt particualrly inpressed with at first and it was a type of mood disorder it has lots of  mis conceptions and stigma atached to it and I deal with enough of those cause of my autism and learning disability and everything but doing research on it and learning anout the facts and everything some of it does make sense. i dont fit the whole criteria but I think some or most.  you need to at least fit a certain number of it and my Mum and everyone at the seperate meeting for the diagnosis that i didnt know about or attend agreed to it and I personaly think that the thing is i was bullied at college cause i was hit and so contantly felt unsafe like i could get hit all the time even if i wasnt anywhere near him but the bullying wasnt just physical so that part slipped under peoples radar  and even  during safe guarding it still continued this went on for 3 years  and i still didnt feell safe until he and i left. i also didnt have any proper friends and me not having any proper friends made me a target for bullying there so this and then after i left college the trauma in 2013 aswell as having members of family passing away from un natural courses including depression in a short space of time ebery year one after another and living in a place im not happy in also i think that aswell as my autism and learning disability may have contributed to both disgnosises that i recieved around 2013 and 2014 and 2016 and so think that the diagnosis i recoeved in 2016 may have something to do with all these factors and the way my brain has learned to deal with them has contributed to the mood disorder develiping that i recived in 2016

another thing i wanted to add I will be seeing Mum next Monday and im still struggling to get all the reasons that span 2013 all the way up to now all written down for my social worker 

yes I fixate on those aswell as they take over. it takes time for the  interests to fully develop but I do lots of research on them before they then turn into proper long term hobbys. while they are developing I fixate on them mentaly and usualy engage with them either  on my own but i never discuss them in my care home until they reach a certain stage and are fully dveloped.  i need space  until im ready to talk about them openly my interests usualy develop on my own first over the course of weeks or months before my family finds out about them.  unless my Mum or dad watches or shows me something or whatever that instantly causes me to develop an interest then only my family knows until its fully established but usualy any new interests i have tend to be triggered by other interests i was either aware or not aware of haveing

its like cause and effect. for instance from watching scooby doo when i was a child i developed an interest in mysterys. knowing my interests are strongly influcened by exsernal factors plus self growth and discovery aswell certain themes iv allways been interested in im very careful about what people i asocsiate myself with interest wise or when it comes to tv amoung other things i also know what sort of things i may not undertsnad cause of my autism and learning disability and cause my brain is behind developmentaly it also afects my physical and emotionaly maturity. when i was a teenager i couldnt watch anything that was for my age only younger than me or i wouldnt understand it and also may get upset even if its related to a special interest.

when Harry potter and the order of the phoenix came out it had older people than the dvelopmental stage i was at i was the equivalent of a 10 or 12 year old and not behaving like a teenager at all and more like a child and mind wasnt mature enough. i didnt find anything happy or sad i just didnt understand it cause  it was too mature so i got upset so I had to wait until i was older. i still had to set boundarys 2 years ago and say it has to be 12 plus or pg and no older. its only this year iv been able to watch things that are abit older but when i was on holiday this year cause im interested in mysterys aswell as another factor being involved also i did say yes to what dad wanted to watch with me with this one he wanted to watch A crime documentary. which led me to become interested in criminology. 

but alot of interests develop independantly of my family or anyone else also though. most of them do and usualy more influenced by circunstances or self growth or other interests amoung other factors. 

an example of circunstances would be that i didnt develop a proper interest and fully develop a speacial interest in Autism and teach people about it until i was 14 when I was 14 the teacher told my class they have autism and taught them about it.   i was 10 when i was told i have autism and everything else but it wasnt until I was 14 i became interested in it proper 

the lgbtq thing i didnt know it existed until how i discovered i was and came out as it and did research i actualy dveloped an interest i never had to begin with until i came across it for the first time the year it came out. 

something i wondered weather you might find interesting with one of the people i told in 2020 they genuinly didnt know what transgender was or know what any other terms for romantic or sexual orientation until i came out as such and tuaght them about it to help them undertsand it and it caused them to question theres and wonder if they might be transgender or not or a different orientation like say bisexual and not gay and gay was the only term they heaard lgbtq wise. they  usualy heard it used in slang or jokes so that was where they got it from and eventualy came out as a different orientation to me and actualy thanked me this was during lockdown.  

another thing that impacted people from me coming out as transgender was that the care home said that no one has come out as transgender in the care home before so they dont have any training for it.  it wasnt until some time after i came out as transgender the manager realised they didnt have one and asked for there to be training on lgbtq and transgender. a staff member came up to talk to me at the care home and told me that the manager said this was missing.  if i didnt come out as transgender they wouldnt of known they didnt have one and wouldnt of thought about it probably. and cause i came out as transgender staff needed to learn about it cause new staff didnt know about it and wondered if i could teach them about it so that they have a better understanding of it I was still asked to do this even this year. unfortunatly there finding there training boring and repetative. when I was thinking of hormone therapy and i found a documentary on it and that it goes through absoloutly everything including how it afects relationships they said if i showed the manager they could maybe use it in the training i didnt ever get round to doing that though cause i was too pre ocupied. they still asked me if i could do that  into this year when they got more new staff again like they did last year and the year before that

It's great to expand your interests. There is also nothing wrong with having extra special interests too. After all, the great zoologists of the world all love wildlife.

The nice thing about profile pictures is that you can change them whenever you want. It's not as if you would be stuck with it forever.

It's also great about your self discovery and growth. A lot of autistics have similar thoughts about themselves. I spoke to a lady who is trans a week ago in my autistic group. We spoke about quantum mechanics and the mind for an hour.

Be sure to let us know about any new interests. Sometimes other people's interests spark an interest in me. I like to hear about them 

sorry for the late response. Well the thing is its abit complicated. even though Wildlife is my speacial interest and I do do it as a hobby every couple of years I develop new ones. when I was a child cause i had a main special interest like i do today it can come across as being very limited as if its the only thing that im interested in in fact up until I was 14 Mum allways refered to me as haveng a limited range of interests even though I was of course interested in other things like Harry Potter and scooby do amoung others other than just Pokemon. I wouldnt watch new things so my intersts wernt as varied as you know when you have a special interest it is generally seen by society and neurotypicals and not to metion even described to them probably if they ever find out about autism that that  interest is all the person ever talks about and that may be the case it can mostly be true except from the fact that as soon as i turned 14 and heard Mum say i only have a limited range of interests i begun to wonder what it would be like to watch things i havnt seen before and as a result my interests became more varied even though i usualy had a special interest and cause of my speacial interest whatever it was looked like that is the only thing i was interested in cause i rarely talked about anything else unless asked about what else im interested in. but cause of my speacial interest it can cause people to asume say that that is all your interested in. but in the now im going through a period a period of self growth in lockdown i discovered not only do I have gender dysphoria and am trangender i also discovered i have a different sexual or romantic orientation aswell at first i rushed abit and thought i already knew what it was due to both happening all at once but by the end of the year discovered it was something else and discovered that someone learning from me learning about myself discovered they had a different one also. in the same year and during 2022 and 2023 I also discovered that i dont just identify as male but also neither sometimes so also go by he him aswell as they them but identifying as neither sometimes but mainly identifying as male most of the time telling everyone about also identifying as neither would complicate things for the people around me who were only just understanding this whole transgender  he him thing and transitioning I only started in 2020. and of course before a few years before lockdown I was learning about my family and gentics and family tree and what not and of coruse even though i know alot about myself im still on a journey of self discovery and  is a very long journey this means im developing new interests aswell and so i also engage in my other interests not just wildlife and of course cause i have other speaical interests my (main) speacial interest and how it lasts can vary before another takes its place and ususaly i need to make sure there is room for any interests im developing aswell that i can also fixate on  cause i can become too fixated on one particular interest so i dont know what i want my profile to be cause i have lots of different interests 

things like self growth self discovery gaining more knoledge and exsperiance as you get older 

The sad thing about this, Zo - is that it will seem like you are being 'difficult', when you are not being difficult. Or, at least, no more difficult than any other human being is.

I wouldn't like to be placed in a home with people I don't know - being autistic I am just like you on this and would have all the same sensitivities.

But even non-autistic people would feel very similar. I know that my wife wouldn't like it. I know that my brother wouldn't like it.

You are also scared of being alone. Again this sound 'difficult' because it contradicts the above. But I don't like being totally alone. My wife doesn't like being alone. My brother wouldn't like being alone.

The options that we have are not open to you at this time - meaning I can live with my wife. My wife can live with me, My brother can live with his family.

This must get you down. I actually think you are very brave and very resilient.

I hope that this puzzle can get solved for you (or by you)

In a change of subject - on wildlife. Have you ever thought of making your profile picture your favourite animal, or something like that?

yes she is also worried in case its further away from home cause then i wouldnt be able to see them as much she is also worried it wont allways br the same peoplle coming in and that that it will be different staff each time.  

its not her worrys  that prevented me from telling the social worker but how she responded to her worrys about it cause back a couple of years ago when I said I waa going to tell the social worker im not happy where my money is going and want to move she said no your not  and dis ecourgaed me so its how she responded to her worrys that i meant by her atitude 

I have been looking for somewhere on my laptop

but the problom that i have is i have found is that living with people i dont know until i get to know them doesnt work with me i have to get to know people properly first before i live with them .

  i also  need to either be in a house with people i know and who know me  or no one at all. another thing is that i need to stay at a place to get an idea and  see what its like and how it works then make a decition and not just visit it once. one visit isnt enough to know what a place is really like  cause you wont be a visitor when you stay. you know what its like as a visitor but not actualy staying there. 

 unfortunatly my autism makes it challangeing living with other people. in 2016  I was diagnosed with  a additional  disorder to go with my autism and other disorders that im born with which was new to me at the time. in 2016 the person who diagnosed me was the same person who diagnosed me with depression in 2013 and the same person that refered me here who came and saw me sometimes here and didnt do anyhting when i told her i wasnt happy here.

but n this case it will of been 2 or 3 years later cause 2016 is the year i saw her again. although i didnt know i would. at this point being older and being here longer I told the lady the same thing but rather than her coming over here i went over to her cause i wasnt in my bedroom all day and every day ane never going out  like i used to be. now I was out and about so went to see her instead.  I told her im not happy here and why since she was the one that helped move me here at my Mums request. the meetings we had wernt about that but other things but I thought it was important to tell her since she helped  move me to where i am

the report that came back from the meeting of course went through the sessions i had with her for what i saw her for but it did have a short referance to the conversation beforehand about not being happy where i am and why but rather than saying what i said it said what she thought she  said that autism makes living with others challangeing and that with me she thinks i should ideally live on my own 

the only thing is before coming to a place like where i am now no one exsplained to me what terms i may come across when i leave college and had no idea what care placements there are what they are or what support options i had.

when i was at college   I  wanted to live at home and go to live at a acomodation where I can live  with people i know like friends or aquantances or people i know if not at least when i left college. but at the same time have someone to help us with what support we need.

i thought that is what was written down cause i didnt know what a term meant the person i told wrote down   for what i want to do after college or understand what the term meant that they wrote down either cause no one exsplained it to me

 when i told them that living with friends is what i wanted i meant living with people i know not people i dont know so there was a clear mis understanding which i wouldnt of known ocured due to not being talked through what terms mean and what support options are available   

being older and having been to support acomodation for a long time i eventualy learned what was meant and what the terms meant and it wasnt what i said i wanted to do after i leave college. regardless though  ideally i should of been talked through everything and made sure that i understood beforehand and with the process where i transitioned from college everything was too rushed. I dont know if any other autistic people wernt talked through transitioning from college to what decitions and choices you can have after other than jobs 

 the dilema i have is I have done some research and  I have found out what support options for people with autism and learning disabilitys are available I came across it while looking at places for me to move to. and finding out terms and what they mean a care home usualy involves a care home setting where its not just living with others but multiple factors involved in how care homes work and from my exsperiance aswell as knoledge of the ups and downs of care homes a care home option even though people like the idea of it due to the needs that i have and me as an individual arnt for me.  I wont want to live with others my autism makes it too diffucult and its not just that either theres many factors to do with care homes why a care home isnt for me even though you get support. supported living which people seem to be fond of being the next step again is a care home I wont want to live with others but  i wont want to live on my own either. neither are really the best option. my family i dont mind even though its hard but people i dont know challanges my autism more than living with people iv allways known and allways known me and comes with too many risks as you dont know what its like to live with them. i also dont like the idea of people getting money from you even though its to take care of you. people that look after me dont get enough money when you dont want to go out since you want to go out but not as much as everyone else and then theres new people so you end up with different people and theres many more factors  

 I have alot of exsperiance and know how care homes work  before i came to one i didnt but now I do  now I know it wasnt the best option. i think all of this could of been avoided if people say wrote down all the options people with autism and learning disability have and not just one or two and exsplained what the terms meant before people started the whole process into getting me into a care home particularly this one but that aside  now im older my goals have changed and cause a care home isnt right for me and other options would of been better to consider and have looked into those also cause of that 

nope it hasnt worn off yet he hasnt got bored of it. 

for holidays I havnt got any other holidays aside from this last one yet acording to Mum so this will probably be the last one for now I think when things are more relaxed i will do the rest of the holiday. they said they havnt booked another one yet