Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I could really use your insights… my girlfriend has been diagnosed with autism about a year ago (I myself am neurotypical as far as I know), we have also been dating for roughly the same amount of time. Until about three weeks ago things have been going great, but then our interactions suddenly changed and she became very distant and cold with me. I suspect she is going through an autistic burnout.
I try to give her the space she needs, not expecting any connection and even during texting (we don’t live in the same city) trying to avoid asking questions that would give her the feeling like she needs to deliver an answer. But I myself am now so full of questions, emotions, doubts and worries which I can’t express to her during this time…
Most importantly, what can I do to support her? How does it feel like to go through an autistic burnout? Does it impact her feelings for me or how she views the relationship? I would love to hear some insights just to understand what she is going through. At the same time since it all started right after we had a small argument, I am worried that I caused this burnout to happen.
She is incredibly important to me and it hurts that we are not part of each other’s lives right now. How did your relationship survive an autistic burnout? And how long did it last?
Thank you so much to anyone for sharing their insights.
Hendrik
I remember posting to a similar thread a number of weeks ago but can't find my reply to copy/link to.
If your partner is going through burnout, it is likely they have to manage their interactions carefully just to survive. Sometimes the people who want to help end up smothering us (based on my experience). Sometimes they want to help in their own way, rather than listen to what might help. It is hard.
One period I was like this was when I was made redundant. It was like the end of the world. I hadn't done anything wrong, I always worked extra when it was needed, put the customer's needs first... but still I was picked. I was in that confused place for a while.
I could not think of anything else, until I had worked through the situation, processed it, and made it into something positive. I don't think I even thought to reach out to friends, and I dreaded receiving any phone calls or texts/emails as I would have to explain all this chaos inside my mind to someone else, who won't make sense of it because it doesn't make sense to me, so it saves energy to let me just get through the day.
Give them space, be patient, be really patient, be even more patient, and just when you think yourself into your own spiral of doom, be ready to listen. Look after yourself.
Thank you so much for your reply! I can't imagine how hard it is to go through it but you can be very proud of yourself that you ultimately managed!
I suspect that what caused the burnout in my girlfriend's case is her caring for a sick family member which takes lot's of energy. She is not doing it alone, but she is by far the one doing the most. What kills me a bit inside is that rather than taking a step back there to a for her sustainable level, she pushed me away. I know I shouldn't think of it like that and I feel guilty for doing it, but its hard to not feel like she considers me the most expendable part of her life.
There is not really any choice involved, right?