Published on 12, July, 2020
At the prompting from another post I wondered if anyone else was interested in a thread about living with a partner on the spectrum and having a child/children on with ASD too.
I had always suspected my partner was on the spectrum even when I first met him..but it wasn't an issue for us until our children arrived. We accepted the differences and his strengths covered my weaknesses and vice versa.
I became very ill through pregnancy and during a traumatic birth our twins arrived and they too had/have many health issues. As mine and the childrens health became a big issue my partner struggled to cope..eventually overloading into depression. He seemed at times to care more about our dogs than the family as a whole..but I understand this better now.
Around this time my children were starting school and one son has had serious issues with behaviour and a year down the line is still struggling to 'fit'. So both my guys are awaiting the lengthy assessment process. I often wonder whether I am 'doing the right thing' pushing for dx but I cannot see any other route to get the school to act in a more appropriate way to help my son realise his potential.
As DS is very bright and achieving academically the feeling is the problems 'must lie at home'. Factor into this my partners social problems and the finger repeatedly 'points his way'..eg..they think he is the issue and I am 'cowed' by him because they do not understand his fixed expression and see it as arrogant or aloofness. This is such a joke.
SO it almost feels like we are 'clearing our name' by trying to prove there is a genetic factor in play here..my partner had the exact same issues with school as DS is having..and seemingly so did his Dad too. It's like a whole can of misunderstandings is surfacing after years in the wilderness.
I in the meantime am treading a line precariously in trying to understand how to help my son and partner cope with the stresses of life and the confusing social aspects they find themselves flung into...I screw up a lot..but I also get it right too sometimes..which always pleasantly surprises us all.
I know there must be others out there who have a partner and children on the spectrum and would love to learn from their experiences.
Kind regards
x
Hi again,
I had no idea that my partner had anything going on when I met him but in hindsight - And knowing what I know now- there were many indications.
The real shocker was when he moved in with me. I realise now that I met the person he had created to compensate for his difficulties. He is a man of a million talents and has many, many great assets. Like your partner, he is totally faithful and reliable and incredibly talented at many things. At the time we met he was a travelling street performer, and had taught himself to play the fiddle on a unicycle! After our initial connection, he moved in and the immediate suffocation I felt was unbearable. He barely left the flat and was scared to pop to the local shop to buy a pint of milk. He was disinterested in meeting any of my friends and had few of his own. He seemed nonchalent about the ones he did have and often spoke about them negatively. He was reluctant to go out socially and when we did acted very uncomfortably.
We went travelling together and I never could understand why he wanted to stay away from people, or didn't feel any emotion when we said goodbye to those we did meet and share time with (Always at my instigation) I love people and conversation; spontaneity and intuitive living. I struggled so very much with this new and bazaar way of being. In fact I still do.
All of that was 11 years ago and only now are we beginning to put 2 and 2 together. Through the struggle with the boys and trying to get our heads around understanding exactly what was happening, T started doing a lot of reading and the light went on for him! He felt such relief to read of aspergers syndrome as for the first time he could make sense of his whole life and the day to day experiences he has. I have only very recently come to accept and begin to understand also, and he feels immeasurable relief at that. It has been such a huge, huge fight for him and between us there has been an almighty 'thing' getting in the way of our relationship and affecting every single area of our lives together. Neither of us understood in the way we do now, and that is absolutely about accepting and learning about ASD and the ways in which it can manifest itself.
In the early years of having the boys these feelings for me were so intense it was unbearable. Motherhood is solitary at the best of times, and the support and friendship of other mums is so important but both my boys would hit, bite, growl, kick - you name it. Neither of them played naturally with other kids and I felt so ashamed and fearful that I was the problem. I yearned to share my time with others and for such simple things like seeing my kids play with others. In conjunction with T's resistence to social situations I began to feel more and more suffocated and pined for natural, healthy contact with others.
Another area it has affected is T's education - specifically after school. His higher education track record is poor but not because of his intelligence. Rather because he simply can't bring himself to ask questions , or 'put himself out' to others (This is the same for the boys) He failed another course just two years ago for all the same reasons - £22 000 wasted - and again, knowing what we know now, it is so clear why. His aspitations of himself until we worked it out were really high, but now we understand that a job which is very low stress, and solitary if possible, is the best way forward. So now he works as a gardener, on his own, and has finally begun to realise the limits of what he is able to manage. I am also able to do that and things are so much easier. Accepting ASD is not easy - It feels as though it has been a curse on our lives, really it does. I feel such grief a lot of the time at what could have been and look back on those long, solitary days when the boys were wee, before we 'knew' with such a heavy heart. It was hell on earth.
Speaking of such experiences, I just bought a book called 'Children and teenagers with aspergers' by Anna Van der Post. It is a book of honest accounts of others' experience of parenting aspergers and is helping a lot. Honest is good - Although my honesty got me into such trouble. No - one can imagine the extremes you get taken to.
OK, that's it for now - Speak soon
J