Published on 12, July, 2020
At the prompting from another post I wondered if anyone else was interested in a thread about living with a partner on the spectrum and having a child/children on with ASD too.
I had always suspected my partner was on the spectrum even when I first met him..but it wasn't an issue for us until our children arrived. We accepted the differences and his strengths covered my weaknesses and vice versa.
I became very ill through pregnancy and during a traumatic birth our twins arrived and they too had/have many health issues. As mine and the childrens health became a big issue my partner struggled to cope..eventually overloading into depression. He seemed at times to care more about our dogs than the family as a whole..but I understand this better now.
Around this time my children were starting school and one son has had serious issues with behaviour and a year down the line is still struggling to 'fit'. So both my guys are awaiting the lengthy assessment process. I often wonder whether I am 'doing the right thing' pushing for dx but I cannot see any other route to get the school to act in a more appropriate way to help my son realise his potential.
As DS is very bright and achieving academically the feeling is the problems 'must lie at home'. Factor into this my partners social problems and the finger repeatedly 'points his way'..eg..they think he is the issue and I am 'cowed' by him because they do not understand his fixed expression and see it as arrogant or aloofness. This is such a joke.
SO it almost feels like we are 'clearing our name' by trying to prove there is a genetic factor in play here..my partner had the exact same issues with school as DS is having..and seemingly so did his Dad too. It's like a whole can of misunderstandings is surfacing after years in the wilderness.
I in the meantime am treading a line precariously in trying to understand how to help my son and partner cope with the stresses of life and the confusing social aspects they find themselves flung into...I screw up a lot..but I also get it right too sometimes..which always pleasantly surprises us all.
I know there must be others out there who have a partner and children on the spectrum and would love to learn from their experiences.
Kind regards
x
I am so saddened to hear about the damage that was done, the best we can hope for is that they learned from it and will be less judgemental in their dealings with other families.I now know it's our right to request assessments..I have made a note of the ISEA's details from their website just incase I get stonewalled.
Although edgy about CAMHS coming I feel more prepared now.
Yes I think I am going to be very mindful of 'loaded' questions..harder for my partner as he cannot judge or look out for and 'hidden agenda' type questions. Many times I have been to the GP with him and he's been asked something and said the opposite of what was required because it was either too specific or too vague for him to completely get the gist of.
Makes me look so overbearing sometimes because I jump in and explain 'actually he does have problems with this'..I give my partner an example and he looks surprised..like 'oh that's what they meant'. Poor guy. Plus it makes me appear controlling.
What would be really useful is a way to help my partner understand the different ways of managing the children and that things and change or fluctuate depending on the situation. He can have a one size fits all approach to problems and it's hard for him to understand grey areas. We are working on this but it's a toughie.
My son was happy to go to school today..it's Friday and he has his card..he had his coat and shoes on 30 mins before he needed to he was that eager to go. Bless...funnily enough my other son had tears today..life eh?
I changed things around yesterday so the boys came home, had tea and some quiet time then went out to play with their friends..worked a lot better as they weren't over stimulated from school by then and had some wind down time first..problems arise when their friends come straight round after school.
Small steps forward. Jengar how does your partner cope generally? Mine has a job which is unchallenging mentally but allows him lots of time alone managing his own work load. They email him his work and he travels around working down the list. He can get locked into tasks once he starts something and it can be hard for him to prioritise or be flexible if he needs to suddenly change tack midway through something. He is a very reliable person and an extremely good provider, I love his stoic manner and down to earth honesty..very refreshing...he is incredibly loyal and caring.
We are trying to work to each others strengths and he says he feels less stressed now I understand better. I still get a bit fraught but I am getting better at seeing through the problems now I have more of an angle on it all...but I find things frustrating too...then I get annoyed with myself for not being able to sort everything out for us all. I guess I am a bit of a control freak!
Did you always know your partner had an ASD or was it something that came up later?