Published on 12, July, 2020
At the prompting from another post I wondered if anyone else was interested in a thread about living with a partner on the spectrum and having a child/children on with ASD too.
I had always suspected my partner was on the spectrum even when I first met him..but it wasn't an issue for us until our children arrived. We accepted the differences and his strengths covered my weaknesses and vice versa.
I became very ill through pregnancy and during a traumatic birth our twins arrived and they too had/have many health issues. As mine and the childrens health became a big issue my partner struggled to cope..eventually overloading into depression. He seemed at times to care more about our dogs than the family as a whole..but I understand this better now.
Around this time my children were starting school and one son has had serious issues with behaviour and a year down the line is still struggling to 'fit'. So both my guys are awaiting the lengthy assessment process. I often wonder whether I am 'doing the right thing' pushing for dx but I cannot see any other route to get the school to act in a more appropriate way to help my son realise his potential.
As DS is very bright and achieving academically the feeling is the problems 'must lie at home'. Factor into this my partners social problems and the finger repeatedly 'points his way'..eg..they think he is the issue and I am 'cowed' by him because they do not understand his fixed expression and see it as arrogant or aloofness. This is such a joke.
SO it almost feels like we are 'clearing our name' by trying to prove there is a genetic factor in play here..my partner had the exact same issues with school as DS is having..and seemingly so did his Dad too. It's like a whole can of misunderstandings is surfacing after years in the wilderness.
I in the meantime am treading a line precariously in trying to understand how to help my son and partner cope with the stresses of life and the confusing social aspects they find themselves flung into...I screw up a lot..but I also get it right too sometimes..which always pleasantly surprises us all.
I know there must be others out there who have a partner and children on the spectrum and would love to learn from their experiences.
Kind regards
x
I really appreciate you taking the time to reply, especially when it is such a painful subject. I am greatly saddened to hear of your experiences but also not surprised either. My partner was very interested in what you had to say too.
At one point me and my son were questioned and kept in hospital overnight because they believed my partner had harmed him (the actuality was our son was flailing around in a meltdown on the stairs and when my partner tried to put him somewhere safer my son kicked out and broke his toe) . I shouted long and hard that day about how we had been begging for help from every agency and no one was listening, eventually our family doctor 'vouched' for us unequivocally. We still feel the shadow of that day lurking over our shoulders. My poor caring, sensitive partner blames himself because of the way it was handled and what he saw me go through that day.
In our favour we have a parental support worker linked to the school who is backing us and has some clear ideas. She said to the school yesterday..'Look it doesn't matter what this is called or isn't called..this child is having serious problems and we need to find the best way to help him deal with it'. She will be there when CAMHS come. I know I will be sent on a Positive Parenting course..anyone who knows anything about me is outraged about this..my mum said 'thank god you are his mother, I hate to think how some people would have treated him, you are doing everything within your power to get him through this.'...it meant a lot as yesterday I was at breaking point.
Our boy head butted another child and myself at school yesterday..I felt the eyes of the other parents burning in the back of my head. Also in our favour is I have DS teacher on board..sadly that will change next term...I hope I have a good relationship with his new one. DS says regularly that everyone shouts at him..we don't and school don't but he thinks they do. When he says this out loud you can see the eyebrows raising to the skies.
So when we go to meetings my partner looks agitated and eager to leave..as you can imagine this is misconstrued frequently. We talked last night and decided that if CAMHS do not put wheels in motion for an appropriate assessment for our son then we will try and scape the money together for a private one. I have put some feelers out for this but any pointers on finding the right person would be helpful.
I feel exhausted and sick to my stomach today but thank goodness there are only 5 school days left. I know my boy will be more relaxed during the hols as I can manage his issues much better at home. I have some nice things planned where both boys can relax and have fun too.
I would love to know how you finally found your way out of this maze and have the utmost admiration for you all.
Kindest regards