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Living with a Partner with ASD and child with ASD

Oatcakes
over 13 years ago

At the prompting from another post I wondered if anyone else was interested in a thread about living with a partner on the spectrum and having a child/children on with ASD too.

I had always suspected my partner was on the spectrum even when I first met him..but it wasn't an issue for us until our children arrived. We accepted the differences and his strengths covered my weaknesses and vice versa.

I became very ill through pregnancy and during a traumatic birth our twins arrived and they too had/have many health issues. As mine and the childrens health became a big issue my partner struggled to cope..eventually overloading into depression. He seemed at times to care more about our dogs than the family as a whole..but I understand this better now.

Around this time my children were starting school and one son has had serious issues with behaviour and a year down the line is still struggling to 'fit'. So both my guys are awaiting the lengthy assessment process. I often wonder whether I am 'doing the right thing' pushing for dx but I cannot see any other route to get the school to act in a more appropriate way to help my son realise his potential.

As DS is very bright and achieving academically the feeling is the problems 'must lie at home'. Factor into this my partners social problems and the finger repeatedly 'points his way'..eg..they think he is the issue and I am 'cowed' by him because they do not understand his fixed expression and see it as arrogant or aloofness. This is such a joke.

SO it almost feels like we are 'clearing our name' by trying to prove there is a genetic factor in play here..my partner had the exact same issues with school as DS is having..and seemingly so did his Dad too. It's like a whole can of misunderstandings is surfacing after years in the wilderness.

I in the meantime am treading a line precariously in trying to understand how to help my son and partner cope with the stresses of life and the confusing social aspects they find themselves flung into...I screw up a lot..but I also get it right too sometimes..which always pleasantly surprises us all.

I know there must be others out there who have a partner and children on the spectrum and would love to learn from their experiences.

Kind regards

x

 

Parents
  • over 13 years ago

    Hi there,

    I was interested to read your post and can relate to each and every word. I am in a very similar situation to you, living with a partner and two boys (age 6 and 8) who all have 'social and communication ' difficulties which are only now being acknowledged after an almighty fight.

    My story is very long and I won't tell it all just now, but what I wanted to say is that we as parents found ourselves on the receiving end of such extreme finger pointing from CAMHS ('It's your parenting/because you were depressed/didn't give them adequate and consistent parenting/etc etc) that incredible damage was done. Any suggestion from us that we felt there was an underlying genetic factor underpinning the behaviours was dismissed as an indication that we were trying to relinquish responsibility for the damage caused by our inadequacies and for two years I questioned every aspect of my mothering skills and the way I had brought up the boys  - Looking to moments or situations which may have caused the 'attachment disruption' they spoke so regularly of. The process was deeply damaging.

    During this time my children were removed from me (That's the long story) and my admission of inadequacy became a prerequisite for my reunion with them. During this time no psychologist or paediatrician was involved, only a community mental health worker and OT, but they did not spend time with the boys themselves - Only focussed on our parenting. All our attempts to talk of their father's experiences in relation to communication (And his father's also) which we could see were being reflected in the boys behaviours were discarded, and any mention of ASD was batted away immediately.

    You sound strong in yourself, and sure of the root causes of your family dynamic. It frustrates me that you feel you have to 'clear your name' for these to be heard. It shouldn't be this way. I think there should be so many more opportunities for families like ours to be understood, without the arduous process of 'diagnosis' having to take place

     

    Good luck with it all, and don't ever start believing their theories unless they can back them up with clear evidence

     

    Jenny

     

Reply
  • over 13 years ago

    Hi there,

    I was interested to read your post and can relate to each and every word. I am in a very similar situation to you, living with a partner and two boys (age 6 and 8) who all have 'social and communication ' difficulties which are only now being acknowledged after an almighty fight.

    My story is very long and I won't tell it all just now, but what I wanted to say is that we as parents found ourselves on the receiving end of such extreme finger pointing from CAMHS ('It's your parenting/because you were depressed/didn't give them adequate and consistent parenting/etc etc) that incredible damage was done. Any suggestion from us that we felt there was an underlying genetic factor underpinning the behaviours was dismissed as an indication that we were trying to relinquish responsibility for the damage caused by our inadequacies and for two years I questioned every aspect of my mothering skills and the way I had brought up the boys  - Looking to moments or situations which may have caused the 'attachment disruption' they spoke so regularly of. The process was deeply damaging.

    During this time my children were removed from me (That's the long story) and my admission of inadequacy became a prerequisite for my reunion with them. During this time no psychologist or paediatrician was involved, only a community mental health worker and OT, but they did not spend time with the boys themselves - Only focussed on our parenting. All our attempts to talk of their father's experiences in relation to communication (And his father's also) which we could see were being reflected in the boys behaviours were discarded, and any mention of ASD was batted away immediately.

    You sound strong in yourself, and sure of the root causes of your family dynamic. It frustrates me that you feel you have to 'clear your name' for these to be heard. It shouldn't be this way. I think there should be so many more opportunities for families like ours to be understood, without the arduous process of 'diagnosis' having to take place

     

    Good luck with it all, and don't ever start believing their theories unless they can back them up with clear evidence

     

    Jenny

     

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