Published on 12, July, 2020
My son is 25 and has Asperger's. He lives in his room all day except when he takes our dog for a walk. He also works in a small office two days a week. (We transport him there and back). He is very intelligent, but cannot/will not look after himself more than basics like heating up food, occasionally showering, etc.He is extremely anxious and cannot cope with the public. He has no friends.I am very concerned about what will happen to him when we die. There is no other family capable of helping him. What provision can we make? Who should we talk to about this please?
NAS95118 said:He is very intelligent, but cannot/will not look after himself more than basics
Maybe turn the situation into a project for him and give him ownership of thinking through the possible options himself with you to guide him. By giving him this agency in it he may get more mastery over his avoidance techniques and want to think about how he will deal with things.
Maybe treat it initially like a game plan - what to do if you get beamed up to a spaceship and he had to continue on his own. The fantast element may make it more palatable.
Start with the little things - where does his food come from - how does he get it, how does he pay, how about medicines, cleaning supplies and toiletries etc
Next the bills - create a document that shows all the bills that need to get paid, their frequency and ammounts.He will probably need to get some help in organising this but if you give all the details of company, account No, support contact there, frequency then he can work on this when he needs to.
Next the contacts - who is your lawyer, doctor, dentist, vet, therapist etc - get all the names, addresses and contact numbers/emails in a document for him along with any relevant notes.
Next the family - contacts and suggestions on who would be wiling to help in a tight spot. Addresses too if you have them.
Next a schedule of how to run the house - a date planner with when things need doing. Bill paying schedule, renewal dates for insurances, when any maintenance needs doing (clearing gutters, cutting grass etc) etc.
Next a plan for forseeable emergencies - how to get the dog to the vet in an emergency, what if you get a burst pipe, what to do if the power goes off, what if the frying pan catches fire - roleplay these until you are sure he knows the steps and get him to write them down.
Lastly where important documents are kept. Your will is a very important one, deeds for the house, life insurance, your bank details, car logbook, his passport etc and of course a doc to tell him what to do in the event of your death (executor contact, step by step guide etc).
There also needs to be a concerted plan to teach him real world skills such as cooking, cleaning, washing/ironing clothes etc - start a schedule to teach him all these and give him responsibility for doing them on a routine basis to practice them. I would make his allowance dependant on these as a motivator.
Once the day to day basics are mastered then teach him how to do the less frequent stuff like household maintenance, renewing the contents insurance, booking his annual dentists checkup, sending christmas cards etc.
By making him feel more a part of these things you can make him feel he is helping you, growing his independence and having more agency over his own future so he may grow out of living in his room.
This would be my approach - you will most likely need to be a bit unpopular to get him out of his room to do this which is why I suggested making his allowance dependant on it - once his routine changes then he will get more used to it and hopefully less avoidant.
I hope some of it is of use.