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Relationship with dad: physical affection + being perceived by him

needamap25

I love that I don't have to say hi or hello like I do in other communities (social niceties and all that) and that I can just jump right in.

I haven't called my dad "dad" to his face in about a decade. We've had problems even before that, but a decade ago we had a really traumatising fight and now I hate it when he's physically affectionate with me (he's generally very physically and emotionally expressive) - it makes me freeze and feel so uncomfortable. And I hate him perceiving me in roles such as that of a mother. Like normally I can talk to and be affectionate with a baby but when my dad is around, I don't do it because I'm so scared he's going to say, "One day that's going to be you!" and be really excited about it. Even typing it out and imagining it makes me want to rip my skin out.

I've seen some of this (both the trouble with addressing someone to their face and with the physical affection) with other family members (cousins, brother). But mostly they grew out of it, and theirs wasn't to this extent. I just hate the thought of having kids and bringing them to him and then being in the same room with him and my kid while he perceives me as a mother. AAAAH. (I don't want kids even aside from that for other reasons, but not because I can't be physically affectionate with them - as long as my dad and several other relatives aren't around, the physical affection isn't a problem.)

I've read some discussions on here about this, but I don't know if part of what I'm experiencing is to do with nurture (because so many other people around me had it in some form or another, to some extent) and because of the fight we had, or if it's because I'm autistic.

(By the way, I was recently diagnosed and haven't told my family because I know they would say, "You? Autistic? But you're so this and that and good in social situations!" and on and on.)

Parents
  • needamap25 said:
    ven typing it out and imagining it makes me want to rip my skin out.

    I'm sorry you find yourself feeling so strongly in this situation.

    I'm not an expert but this does read like a classic trauma response - whatever happened between your father and you has left you traumatised and your minds subconcious reaction is to not become a mother just because of his opinion.

    [edit] changed the above sentence as I mis-read the original post.

    This is quite natural but as you point out, makes things difficult and stressful.

    My advice would be to work with a therapist or counsellor with experience of autism and trauma.

    The process with the therapist will involve you exploring your autism and its influences here but more importantly "unpacking" the historic traumas you have experienced to allow you to process these in a healthy way and steal the power they are holding over you.

    It will not diminish or invalidate the traumas, simply understand them and allow you to judge them with a clear mind and consider how is best to respond to this - whether to punch your father, have a difficult conversation with him, apologise, make your peace or call the cops.

    You should find after this process you will feel much calmer when he is around and have more control over these extreme responses. You can still take whatever action you judge appropriate but knowing it is a reasoned response and now driven by unresolved traumas will make if feel right and hence you will feel better about doing it.

    It can be painful to revisit these situations but this is necessary to break the hold - think of if like getting a tooth pulled to stop the long lasting toothache.

    Good luck

  • in reply to Iain
    Iain said:
    your minds subconcious reaction is to protect your child

    Sorry to be pedantic, but I think you may have mis-read or misinterpreted the original post. My interpretation is that the poster doesn't have children, and has no desire to have children.

Reply Children
  • in reply to Sporadic Sparkly
    Sporadic Sparkly said:
    My interpretation is that the poster doesn't have children, and has no desire to have children.

    You are right - I mis-read it. I will edit the original post.

    needamap25 said:
    I just hate the thought of having kids and bringing them to him and then being in the same room with him and my kid while he perceives me as a mother. AAAAH

    It sounds like it isn't a protection thing then and more of being perceived as a mother - the fear of this would be what the therapist would need to understand and process with them in this case.