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Relationship with dad: physical affection + being perceived by him

needamap25

I love that I don't have to say hi or hello like I do in other communities (social niceties and all that) and that I can just jump right in.

I haven't called my dad "dad" to his face in about a decade. We've had problems even before that, but a decade ago we had a really traumatising fight and now I hate it when he's physically affectionate with me (he's generally very physically and emotionally expressive) - it makes me freeze and feel so uncomfortable. And I hate him perceiving me in roles such as that of a mother. Like normally I can talk to and be affectionate with a baby but when my dad is around, I don't do it because I'm so scared he's going to say, "One day that's going to be you!" and be really excited about it. Even typing it out and imagining it makes me want to rip my skin out.

I've seen some of this (both the trouble with addressing someone to their face and with the physical affection) with other family members (cousins, brother). But mostly they grew out of it, and theirs wasn't to this extent. I just hate the thought of having kids and bringing them to him and then being in the same room with him and my kid while he perceives me as a mother. AAAAH. (I don't want kids even aside from that for other reasons, but not because I can't be physically affectionate with them - as long as my dad and several other relatives aren't around, the physical affection isn't a problem.)

I've read some discussions on here about this, but I don't know if part of what I'm experiencing is to do with nurture (because so many other people around me had it in some form or another, to some extent) and because of the fight we had, or if it's because I'm autistic.

(By the way, I was recently diagnosed and haven't told my family because I know they would say, "You? Autistic? But you're so this and that and good in social situations!" and on and on.)

  • What does he percieve you as now?

    It sounds like he has some very strong social expectations about you, does he genuinely think that the only way for a woman to be fulfilled is through motherhood? Is this an unconcious thing with him or is it concious and maybe passive agressive?

    I remember having numerous conversations with my dad about "when I was going to settle down and be happy", he couldn't get his head around the idea that I didn't need a man in my life for me to be happy, that just because thats what made him happy didn't mean it would make me happy too. This was usually followed by conversations about the possibility of me being "funny", or in normal peoples terms a lesbian, despite the fact that I've got children and have had a few long term straight relationships, late onset lesbianisn was to his mind the reason I wasn't "settled down and happy"

  • Dear needamap25,

    Thank you for sharing this with our community.

    You may want to check out our page, talking about and disclosing your autism diagnosis, https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/after-diagnosis/talking-about-and-disclosing-your-autism-diagnosis#:~:text=Choosing%20to%20disclose%20your%20autism,comfortable%20being%20yourself%20around%20them.

    You may also want to look at this page if you want to talk to a professional, https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/seeking-help 

    Thanks needamap25. I hope this helps!

    Warm regards,

    Eunice Mod 

  • I find it very difficult to even look at someone I have had a heated falling out with, or that I greatly disapprove the actions of. It usually lasts for a few hours or a few days at most. What you describe seems to be a similar emotional response, but over a much longer time period. You obviously have not been able to come to terms with your falling out with your father and every time you see him your antipathy is reinforced by his attitude and actions. I think that some sort of talking therapy might be useful for you. Not just for your relationship with your father, but for your own emotional and mental wellbeing.

  • in reply to Sporadic Sparkly
    Sporadic Sparkly said:
    My interpretation is that the poster doesn't have children, and has no desire to have children.

    You are right - I mis-read it. I will edit the original post.

    needamap25 said:
    I just hate the thought of having kids and bringing them to him and then being in the same room with him and my kid while he perceives me as a mother. AAAAH

    It sounds like it isn't a protection thing then and more of being perceived as a mother - the fear of this would be what the therapist would need to understand and process with them in this case.

  • in reply to Iain
    Iain said:
    your minds subconcious reaction is to protect your child

    Sorry to be pedantic, but I think you may have mis-read or misinterpreted the original post. My interpretation is that the poster doesn't have children, and has no desire to have children.

  • I feel I can relate to some of what you say, as I have a somewhat strained relationship with my mother, partly due to a clash of personalities and an ability to see eye-to-eye. During my childhood, I used to call her "Mum" and was quite affectionate with her (we would sit and have cuddles), but this all changed when I started to go through puberty. I can be quite a physically affectionate person, but just not with my mother. After the first few years of me squirming and grimacing when she tried to cuddle me, she stopped trying and reluctantly accepted it.

    The last time my mother and I cuddled, which I initiated, was just under 6 years ago. It was the first time in several decades that there had been any physical contact between us. I had done it because it had seemed like the right thing to do at the time, and not because it was something I particularly wanted to do. My dad was terminally unwell and had started to withdraw from life, and my mother was understandably distraught. In that moment, I understood that she needed comforting, and the only way to provide her with that was by cuddling her.

    However, this is about the relationship between you and your dad, not the one between me and my mother. Would I be right in thinking that your father has an expectation that you will become a mother, and that he would love to become a grandfather? If so, I feel I can perhaps relate to if his desire is to become a grandparent. I am the mum of an adult son and would absolutely love it if my son was to settle down one day and have a family... providing it was what he wanted.

    Have you ever sat down with your father and told him how you really feel? Explained how him being physically affectionate towards you makes you feel? Whilst it may not be an easy conversation to have, I feel it is one that maybe needs to be had. Also, unless he has specifically mentioned a desire to be a grandfather, how can you be certain of what his reaction might be if you were to be physically affectionate with a baby whilst in his presence? 

  • needamap25 said:
    ven typing it out and imagining it makes me want to rip my skin out.

    I'm sorry you find yourself feeling so strongly in this situation.

    I'm not an expert but this does read like a classic trauma response - whatever happened between your father and you has left you traumatised and your minds subconcious reaction is to not become a mother just because of his opinion.

    [edit] changed the above sentence as I mis-read the original post.

    This is quite natural but as you point out, makes things difficult and stressful.

    My advice would be to work with a therapist or counsellor with experience of autism and trauma.

    The process with the therapist will involve you exploring your autism and its influences here but more importantly "unpacking" the historic traumas you have experienced to allow you to process these in a healthy way and steal the power they are holding over you.

    It will not diminish or invalidate the traumas, simply understand them and allow you to judge them with a clear mind and consider how is best to respond to this - whether to punch your father, have a difficult conversation with him, apologise, make your peace or call the cops.

    You should find after this process you will feel much calmer when he is around and have more control over these extreme responses. You can still take whatever action you judge appropriate but knowing it is a reasoned response and now driven by unresolved traumas will make if feel right and hence you will feel better about doing it.

    It can be painful to revisit these situations but this is necessary to break the hold - think of if like getting a tooth pulled to stop the long lasting toothache.

    Good luck