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Relationship with dad: physical affection + being perceived by him

needamap25

I love that I don't have to say hi or hello like I do in other communities (social niceties and all that) and that I can just jump right in.

I haven't called my dad "dad" to his face in about a decade. We've had problems even before that, but a decade ago we had a really traumatising fight and now I hate it when he's physically affectionate with me (he's generally very physically and emotionally expressive) - it makes me freeze and feel so uncomfortable. And I hate him perceiving me in roles such as that of a mother. Like normally I can talk to and be affectionate with a baby but when my dad is around, I don't do it because I'm so scared he's going to say, "One day that's going to be you!" and be really excited about it. Even typing it out and imagining it makes me want to rip my skin out.

I've seen some of this (both the trouble with addressing someone to their face and with the physical affection) with other family members (cousins, brother). But mostly they grew out of it, and theirs wasn't to this extent. I just hate the thought of having kids and bringing them to him and then being in the same room with him and my kid while he perceives me as a mother. AAAAH. (I don't want kids even aside from that for other reasons, but not because I can't be physically affectionate with them - as long as my dad and several other relatives aren't around, the physical affection isn't a problem.)

I've read some discussions on here about this, but I don't know if part of what I'm experiencing is to do with nurture (because so many other people around me had it in some form or another, to some extent) and because of the fight we had, or if it's because I'm autistic.

(By the way, I was recently diagnosed and haven't told my family because I know they would say, "You? Autistic? But you're so this and that and good in social situations!" and on and on.)

Parents

  • I feel I can relate to some of what you say, as I have a somewhat strained relationship with my mother, partly due to a clash of personalities and an ability to see eye-to-eye. During my childhood, I used to call her "Mum" and was quite affectionate with her (we would sit and have cuddles), but this all changed when I started to go through puberty. I can be quite a physically affectionate person, but just not with my mother. After the first few years of me squirming and grimacing when she tried to cuddle me, she stopped trying and reluctantly accepted it.

    The last time my mother and I cuddled, which I initiated, was just under 6 years ago. It was the first time in several decades that there had been any physical contact between us. I had done it because it had seemed like the right thing to do at the time, and not because it was something I particularly wanted to do. My dad was terminally unwell and had started to withdraw from life, and my mother was understandably distraught. In that moment, I understood that she needed comforting, and the only way to provide her with that was by cuddling her.

    However, this is about the relationship between you and your dad, not the one between me and my mother. Would I be right in thinking that your father has an expectation that you will become a mother, and that he would love to become a grandfather? If so, I feel I can perhaps relate to if his desire is to become a grandparent. I am the mum of an adult son and would absolutely love it if my son was to settle down one day and have a family... providing it was what he wanted.

    Have you ever sat down with your father and told him how you really feel? Explained how him being physically affectionate towards you makes you feel? Whilst it may not be an easy conversation to have, I feel it is one that maybe needs to be had. Also, unless he has specifically mentioned a desire to be a grandfather, how can you be certain of what his reaction might be if you were to be physically affectionate with a baby whilst in his presence? 

Reply

  • I feel I can relate to some of what you say, as I have a somewhat strained relationship with my mother, partly due to a clash of personalities and an ability to see eye-to-eye. During my childhood, I used to call her "Mum" and was quite affectionate with her (we would sit and have cuddles), but this all changed when I started to go through puberty. I can be quite a physically affectionate person, but just not with my mother. After the first few years of me squirming and grimacing when she tried to cuddle me, she stopped trying and reluctantly accepted it.

    The last time my mother and I cuddled, which I initiated, was just under 6 years ago. It was the first time in several decades that there had been any physical contact between us. I had done it because it had seemed like the right thing to do at the time, and not because it was something I particularly wanted to do. My dad was terminally unwell and had started to withdraw from life, and my mother was understandably distraught. In that moment, I understood that she needed comforting, and the only way to provide her with that was by cuddling her.

    However, this is about the relationship between you and your dad, not the one between me and my mother. Would I be right in thinking that your father has an expectation that you will become a mother, and that he would love to become a grandfather? If so, I feel I can perhaps relate to if his desire is to become a grandparent. I am the mum of an adult son and would absolutely love it if my son was to settle down one day and have a family... providing it was what he wanted.

    Have you ever sat down with your father and told him how you really feel? Explained how him being physically affectionate towards you makes you feel? Whilst it may not be an easy conversation to have, I feel it is one that maybe needs to be had. Also, unless he has specifically mentioned a desire to be a grandfather, how can you be certain of what his reaction might be if you were to be physically affectionate with a baby whilst in his presence? 

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