Published on 12, July, 2020
I love that I don't have to say hi or hello like I do in other communities (social niceties and all that) and that I can just jump right in.
I haven't called my dad "dad" to his face in about a decade. We've had problems even before that, but a decade ago we had a really traumatising fight and now I hate it when he's physically affectionate with me (he's generally very physically and emotionally expressive) - it makes me freeze and feel so uncomfortable. And I hate him perceiving me in roles such as that of a mother. Like normally I can talk to and be affectionate with a baby but when my dad is around, I don't do it because I'm so scared he's going to say, "One day that's going to be you!" and be really excited about it. Even typing it out and imagining it makes me want to rip my skin out.
I've seen some of this (both the trouble with addressing someone to their face and with the physical affection) with other family members (cousins, brother). But mostly they grew out of it, and theirs wasn't to this extent. I just hate the thought of having kids and bringing them to him and then being in the same room with him and my kid while he perceives me as a mother. AAAAH. (I don't want kids even aside from that for other reasons, but not because I can't be physically affectionate with them - as long as my dad and several other relatives aren't around, the physical affection isn't a problem.)
I've read some discussions on here about this, but I don't know if part of what I'm experiencing is to do with nurture (because so many other people around me had it in some form or another, to some extent) and because of the fight we had, or if it's because I'm autistic.
(By the way, I was recently diagnosed and haven't told my family because I know they would say, "You? Autistic? But you're so this and that and good in social situations!" and on and on.)
I find it very difficult to even look at someone I have had a heated falling out with, or that I greatly disapprove the actions of. It usually lasts for a few hours or a few days at most. What you describe seems to be a similar emotional response, but over a much longer time period. You obviously have not been able to come to terms with your falling out with your father and every time you see him your antipathy is reinforced by his attitude and actions. I think that some sort of talking therapy might be useful for you. Not just for your relationship with your father, but for your own emotional and mental wellbeing.