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Am I autistic, gay or lost?

Rainbow
2 months ago

I spent a lot of my life struggling with my sexuality and thought coming out as gay would give me the answers I needed as to why I always felt different. But 5 years on after coming out as gay and being in a happy relationship, I still feel I find daily life hard. Over the past few months I have discovered I may be autistic and feel a diagnosis would literally validate my life, however when I’ve asked close people to me whether they think I could be autistic they have said no not at all, so I’m very confused. I’ve listed below just a small number of significant things I’ve realised could make me autistic.

Childhood traits which felt “normal” and fine to me at the time:

  • In primary school preferring to either play with much younger children or spend time on my own or I enjoyed walking around the playground by myself making up imaginary stories in my head.
  • Other children would make fun at me for staring at them but I didn’t realise I was doing this.

Teenage traits:

  • Although I had a group of friends I would sometimes prefer to spend my lunch break in the computer room researching topics of interest.
  • Huge interest in train timetables. I collected these and knew all the local routes.
  • I studied obsessively other groups of friends and their relationships between each other.

Adult traits:

  • Shoulder twitch that appears as a tick.
  • I prefer to be late for work to avoid previous shift handover and prefer to process this information in an email rather than face to face.
  • I don’t understand comedy or find things funny that the majority of people do.
  • If I am doing something “different” the next morning such as going swimming I will spend hours thinking and planning my morning routine.
  • To cook tea I have to read the recipe multiple times throughout the day and spend a long time preparing the steps in my head.
  • I smile at innapropiate moments or when accused or lying which makes me look guilty.
  • Very very very nostalgic. Find a lot of comfort in familiar places.
  • Tasks such as clearing mess from my desk are extremely overwhelming.

However, I also have a lot of non-typical autistic traits which very much confuse me. Examples of these are I love socialising and I am not very direct in communicating whatsoever, Infact the complete opposite and struggle to be honest and direct.

Thank you for anybody who has read this entire post. I don’t feel I can talk about this with anybody so writing down has helped.

Parents
  • 2 months ago

    Hi Rainbow,

    So for you the 'gay' part is sorted.  I'd reframe the "lost' part to "contemplating."  You're going through a self reflective phase which I think is a great thing to do and very brave as so many people go through the motions of life never really trying to get to know themselves or reflecting on life.

    I've always questioned things in my mind to try to have a deeper understanding which has mostly been labelled as "overthinking."  I see that more as others feeling uncomfortable with my struggle and trying to stop it.  Analysing stuff and researching it gives a broader knowledge in my opinion and therefore more power.

    Just as your coming out journey didn't provide you with the missing piece, will an Autism diagnosis help with that?  Only you will know by going through the assessment process and finding out at the end. 

    I'm currently going through a "questioning" myself period too.  I've come to the conclusion that I've always been more attracted to women in a romantic way but due to the pressure of society, only even been in relationships with men which I've always ended because it felt robotic and fake to me which is horrible to admit.  The only man I loved and felt comfortable with was more feminine so I felt happy with him.  The rest of the time I've been denying my attraction to females and feel it's too late for me now because I feel the LGBTQIA+ community is too political as is being vegan.  I feel I don't fit anywhere which is a tough and awful feeling.  I'm vegan but don't like the activism, I like women but I don't like the political feel of the community, I feel different but not enough for the psychiatrist to diagnose Autism and I generally feel overall that people don't like me despite me liking other people.

    I feel similar to yourself in that I like to research a subject to death in order for it to feel "right".  I tried to work in optics and wanted to learn everything so I could answer customers questions but the management said I didn't need to know that level of detail.  I could not understand why they had that attitude when customers were asking me questions about the things I asked to learn about.  There are more job examples where I needed to know more but the training wasn't given.  It's at the stage where I am unable to work because of a pile of awful experiences where even thinking about work causes me to want to cry.

    This post was meant to be supportive of you but has turned into a rant about me.

    I hope that you realise you are doing just fine as you are with a good relationship and close people.  That's what many people on here strive for.  You sound like you are dealing with everything well and that you have a great knowledge of yourself.  

    Take care. :-)

  • 2 months ago in reply to Deleted user

    Thank you for your message. I completely resonate with always wanting to have a deeper understanding, im the same. 

    And I was in my late 20s when I came out and prior to that I’d been with men but just because it was “the norm” but never enjoyed it and it never felt right. So I have an understanding into how you’re feeling. 

    Do what’s best for you and make sure you take care of yourself. 

Reply
  • 2 months ago in reply to Deleted user

    Thank you for your message. I completely resonate with always wanting to have a deeper understanding, im the same. 

    And I was in my late 20s when I came out and prior to that I’d been with men but just because it was “the norm” but never enjoyed it and it never felt right. So I have an understanding into how you’re feeling. 

    Do what’s best for you and make sure you take care of yourself. 

Children