Published on 12, July, 2020
I am really struggling mentally I lost my mum 3 years ago from open heart surgery she survived the surgery but never recovered. They brought her around only to put her back under again as her body couldn’t cope. I remember me and my dad going to see her in ICU and she was on a ventilator and had so many tubes and I remember holding her hand and it was cold. I prayed and prayed even did pagan spells so I could have my mum back. On the night she died I was working nights on a cancer ward I had to sit with this elderly person who was very confused and the nurse came to get me and said my dads on the phone so I went to talk to him. My mum had taken a turn for the worst and she was at a different hospital from where I was working my dad couldn’t leave her, but a kind staff member said she drive me to be with my mum. I arrived and rushed to ICU the sister was really kind to me my dad mentioned my autism incase i kicked off and took me to my mums bedside she was still alive. I was there for over an hour with my dad and then my mum slipped away with me holding her hand. I remember a split second before my mum squeezed my hand before she died. I was a difficult child but I was loved and still am from my dad. My parents absolutely loved me especially my mum we were so close and when my dad went to work on nights me and my mum would have a few cans of cider and some wine and we watch a film together we called it our girly night. last year my best friend Rikki who I love like a brother had a heart attack I was with him a few hours before it happened. Long story short I said good night to Rikki at 11 at night fell asleep woke up the next morning to receive I’m in hospital I’ve had a heart attack. I was shocked and worried a few days later he told me he needed open heart surgery. Skip a few days he had surgery I was terrified that what happened to my mum would happen to him but he survived and had since quit smoking tobacco no vaping either. But I worry about Rikki so much that it gets to a point where I freak out go into overdrive if I don’t hear from him. My mum died at the age of 66 and I was only 29 and the trauma of that affects the way I am with Rikki. I keep thinking the worst he understands my pain he lost his mum to a heart attack but gets overwhelmed with my worry as he is also on the spectrum. I need help but there isn’t help around I want counselling to move on from my mum but i can’t afford it and I want more than anything is to have an autistic friendly counselling but again I just don’t know where to look. I need to move on from my grief so far I’ve done university and I have a job interview lined up but I just want to let my trauma of my mums death go. I want to stop worrying about Rikki and thinking the worst as he has given up smoking he takes his heart medication and exercises regularly but I can’t stop the worry no matter how hard I try.