Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
Please delete if I am not allowed to post this here, it wasn't clear wherether it would be so im really sorry if Im getting it wrong. I dont want to be in a safe space I dont belong in as a non autistic but neuro spicy person.
I am the partner of someone with autism (undiagnoised as yet but we have been sure for more than a year and a half). I have ADHD and dsylexia and dyspraxia (together we have the whole set)
There lots of challanges in a relationship like this, expected things like communication, showing affection ect. But after 8 years we are getting it mostly figured out.
Something can up recently that I need help with, I can understand his reason/he doesn't understand why he feels as he does so cant explain.
We are at the stage of viewing property together and whilst we have had a joint acount for years its currently not the main account and we both put money in for joint expenses. I would like us to have a main account that is joint, we can both have our own accounts for 'fun money'. he does earn more than me as I work for the NHS but I dont belive either of us feels that is relevent.
My reasons for are;
I want us to have a life together not seperate but side by side,
if/when i reduce my work for childcare it would impact my savings and future carer (I dont plan on us breaking up but as we aren't married it would leave me financially vunerable,
he has struggled with commitment and as said we aren't married yet despite talking about it (which surname, who to invite ect) for the last 7 years and for me it would be symbolic of us joining together more.
the last reason is that recently my laptop stoped working, he thinks I am too careless with my laptop (hello ADHD) and although there was no reason to think it stoped working because of anything I did I paid for a 100% of the replacement because he wanted to 'teach me a lesson'. I dont want that to be our lives, the power dynamic ect, honestly it was the most disespectful thing he has ever done.
his reaon against is;
he needs to been 100% himself to love somebody and somehow this challanges his identity
Can anyone help us understand what is happening, what the reasoning is because we cant work it out and so are a bit stuck
Thank you, and again im sorry if Im not allowed here
Relationships need a lot of communication and compromise. Which is hard! I hope you get through this tricky period, as you have probably worked out so many things like this before. I think Iain's reply makes a lot of sense.
I'm not sure I understand the relevance of making the change. If both your salaries are paid into the main account, where bills are paid, and he has a direct debit to move his balance after expenses to his 'fun' account, what is the difference between that and what you currently have? Does it make a legal difference, or is it a trust concern? It feels like there are issues behind it...
thank you very much for taking the time to reply.
Fiona said:what is the difference between that and what you currently have?
sorry I wasn't clear enough, the idea would be to have a preagree fun budget each but that the rest was joint money to pay both joint expenses but also just to live
We have spoken befor about how he makes more money as I felt guilty but we concluded that my work does good in the world and his earns the bulk of our household income so it works if we think of ourselves as a unit. So thats what I thought we did, not thinking in terms of yours and mine but ours. not only our money but our chores/tasks, our responsibilities.So I do feel the money should also be pooled.
As it stands we have a very uneven divisioin of labour because he is always very tired. I do 90% of the housework and deal with all the life admin stuff, I make apoinment s for him, sort the car insurance, make his lunch before i go to workor he eats crisps and nothing else. I do this because it isn't his and mine but ours, like how I wash all the clothes not just mine. I dont want a tit for tat relationship because in that case I am getting a bad deal.
Fiona said:It feels like there are issues behind it...
Honestly of course there is, if he was letting our relationship progress in other ways this would be far less emotive. with rejection sensativity dysphoria its hard to be constantly turned down, to have to ask for a compliment or affetionate touch. Its hard after 8 years to still be told he isnt sure it could work long term. I thought this would be a tiny thing to show me some forward movement, give me hope. But his reluctance has scared me