Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I was diagnosed autistic last October. Always known I was different. Spotted autism in partner’s dad and it fascinated me. Also experience of children as a teacher. More I read, more I realised I was on the spectrum and fairly certain my other half is. We’ve been married for more than 20 years. We don’t argue hugely. But all our arguments follow the same unhelpful pattern… Argue. I try to say what I think went wrong. I try not to blame and attempt to say how I feel, not criticise. Partner always sees criticism. Says I’m blaming him. Starts bringing in everything else that’s wrong in our relationship to then, often, point out I need to change. Dredges history. Says I can’t do this anymore. Gets overwhelmed (I think) and shuts down for a couple of days. I’ve learnt this pattern and know to accept it. I say I’m not blaming but trying to find a solution so it doesn’t happen again and I don’t care who’s at fault. I think he can’t get beyond needing to pinpoint who’s at fault and seeing it as me saying he’s to blame. Do you have tips for handling this as two, I’m sure, autistic adults?
Eg The latest is over partner continuing a conversation with my parents about politics. We have different views to them. We’ve discussed avoiding it and trying to steer away. I could see he was getting animated, enjoying the conversation, and kicked him gently under the table. He responded positively to that and laughed and said I know, we need to move on, or something similar. But the conversation swung round, including him saying God forbid if XYZ gets in. He then said, before we move on, I want to find out what you think about Israel. I have never done this before but was getting so stressed that I interrupted and said, no that’s enough, we need to change topic. I was shocked when he then said So I can’t talk about something I’m interested in? I said it’s not something I want to end our conversation on before we leave - he then agreed and dad changed subject to cars. I couldn’t think how to bring it up without it spiralling the same way but by the time I went to bed, he noticed something might be wrong. And it spiralled. As above! I haven’t bothered trying to force my point and he has not accepted that anything he did was wrong. Says my dad continued the conversation and I can’t dictate what he does and doesn’t talk about. I said I would rather see my parents on my own than have conversations like that. It’s not family conversation. He interpreted that as me telling him I don’t want him to visit my parents. I reiterated that’s not what I said.
What am I doing wrong? We enjoy lots of the same stuff, have similar values etc but he thinks he’s lucky that his dad’s gene missed him! I don’t need him to be diagnosed but I wish he would see some of his character traits. I haven’t said this to him. I feel like I’ve spent my adult life trying to understand mine and how to behave as an adult. I find it very difficult to express my thoughts in an argument. Last time we texted each other and I felt that was better. This time, I just can’t bear bringing it up again and we’re just 24 hours post argument and this one doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere.
Can anyone relate to this, ummm, rant! Sorry!
Hello,
Some thoughts.
- it's not about stopping the argument from happening again. It's about
- having set phrases, catch phrases, to use with each other when in that mode
- knowing that you trigger each other's adrenaline. That is fight or flight. There's no winning at this time. And ego is involved. People can only listen and love when fight or flight is turned off. There's a sort of posture for that, sort of leaning forward. Works better than breathing strategies. Ask a physio if you need tops on the posture.
- autism brain finds patterns. If something bad happens the brain links to all the other bad things! This is not someone being mean but it WILL make them feel negative. Maybe a rule is, if they stick to topic theyre 'regulated' and if they're jumping between issues they're disregulated and need time out.
...
Disregulation is when fight or flight is on. It's frequent. It's the nervous system being mangled. I suspect I need to meditate twice a day to keep the fight or flight off. When regulated, I don't yell back at people. Or get hurt by things my kids say.
I am curious to see what advice you receive as I relate to your post.
That was really useful feedback, thank you. I can really relate to that and see how we both fit the adrenaline concept. Seeing the ‘something bad happens’ as one of my partner’s pattern recognitions makes it easier to deal with too.
Disrugulation is a horrible term to me, it makes me feel like a faulty boiler or something. Why can't we just feel what we need to feel and then stop? Who do we have to be so controlled for? I don't think it's for our benefit, I think its because others are uncomfortable with what we feel and don't want to adapt or change thier behaviour, even when it's so obviously distressing.