Published on 12, July, 2020
I dated an autistic guy in February this year since then we have been talking, i really like him, I've told him how i feel, and I want a relationship, but he is struggling after losing his job 3 months ago and wont commit to seeing me again. He's recently opened up to me and said he struggles to fit in, he has nothing to bring to a relationship, his life is complicated and he is struggling. He has no friends, and no girlfriend for 10 years, I am doubtful if he's ever had a girlfriend and i am not sure if this is another reason he wont date me again as he has no confidence in himself. I keep getting frustrated with the situation, it's affecting him and he gets down. he's told me he likes me but cannot tell me how he feels when i ask him. He can easily walk away with no emotions, and i get upset. Clearly he's not interested in a relationship but enjoys my company i feel maybe i am comforting him as he also said he's lonely. He longs for something meaningful but cannot see the bigger picture. We met on a dating site so I am hoping he's just going through a hard time. I keep telling myself to be patient and he will change and want to see me. I would like some advice what to do with the situation as I am not autistic.
He will be struggling with life and his self esteem if he has recently lost his job, so you may need to have a lot of patience to help him through this difficult time.
Do you know if he is on any medication for depression /anxiety? If not, this might help lift his mood so that he is not so down on himself and might help spark his interest in getting out and doing stuff. I would suggest he speaks to his GP about the fact that he is struggling.
I would avoid talking about feelings or trying to get him to talk about them for now - he has enough to deal with coping with everyday life at the moment. Keep things as factual and pragmatic as possible.
I would also suggest that you make a list of the traits he has that are why you like him as a person. Try and think of things he would understand as being "true" (for example don't say "you're really handsome" as he might not see himself that way) Here are some examples you could use if you feel they apply to him:
Trustworthy and loyal
Is honest and doesn't play games or try to mislead you
Arrives on time and doesn't keep you waiting
Notices small details that others miss
Has an interesting/unique way of seeing/describing things
You might be able to think of others that apply. Try to keep everything you say honest but as positive as possible.
I would also suggest that you try to see each other just as friends while he is working through things. This gives you chance to get to know each other better, and stops him being so lonely. If you are meant to be together, something more will gradually grow from this.
(By the way, I'm an autistic woman, married to an autistic man for over 40 years)
Good luck
I find your advice highly valuable although it does not apply to me.
Thank you for your response, I would assume he's not on medication as he has bad mood swings. He certainly suffers from mental issues. He wont get a diagnosis either, I think he's afraid of the outcome.
Yes i agree, it seems to have caused issues when i mention relationship or feelings. He wont meet up with me at all, I've tried everything. He seems to want and need me in his life, but i assume he can only focus on his job situation and meeting up would be too much for him. He seems to be very sensitive and needs a lot of reassurance from me.
That's a good idea he has some beautiful traits :)
I really hope something does come of it i would certainly like to be with him
nice to hear you have been married for 40 years :)