• Replies 6 replies
  • Subscribers 85 subscribers
  • Views 844 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Tried telling the truth and made things worse

Rach91

I tried telling one of my friends the truth for the mistakes I have made only made things worse. A few weeks back I did that stupid thing with the burner phone and I told my friend that I pretended to be her to contact my other friend. I’m not proud at all I did what I did because of the trauma of my mums death that even though it’s been 3 years at the end of the month I’m still struggling and that causes me to act out on impulse but I am looking into therapy to help with my behaviours. Anyway I told my friend last night and she is really angry and hurt and said that she no longer wants to see me anymore only in ASD support group. She hardly goes to that because she works in a school full time and only goes when it is half term. I still haven’t told my other friend but I don’t think it’s the right time yet as the two of us have been getting on really well since we had a small break from one another on Sunday he picked me up in his car we enjoyed the sun and he cooked us a nice meal in the evening. I will tell him but not for a while longer yet. Both my friends involved in the incident are on the spectrum but I don’t know what to I have hurt one of my closest friends and I am really not proud of my actions I only did what I did out of desperation and fear but as they say your actions have consequences and that is fact for me. I really want to make it up to my friend I have hurt so badly I just don’t know how.

  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you for explaining Iain. I probably missed some of those posts you are referencing.

  • in reply to RachelO
    RachelO said:
    I find Iain's post somewhat harsh in tone

    There is a history behind this post and a number made by Rach91 before all on the same subject where a distinct pattern of behaviour and lack of willing to accept responsibility has emerged.

    Many others have offered more "friendly" advice but it is ignored repeatedly which is why I had been sterner than is typical here in the hope to get the message across.

    I'm not always known for my unicorns and rainbows approach to things though - I am a firm believer in telling it how it is even if it is a bit uncomfortable to hear.

  • Clearly Rach91 has done wrong. I myself had never even heard of a burner phone before and your friend has a right to be very upset. However, I am finding some posts on the forum a bit too harsh in tone which may hurt deeply as well. I find Iain's post somewhat harsh in tone and i'm sure they was trying to help and hopefully they have. We shouldn't post ourselves if we are upset. We all have enough on our own plates as well. I am also not sure if this is an Autistic issue as such, it seems more impulsive. But, I hope you grow from this Rach91 and things work out for you in the long run. I think you may need to possibly walk away from these friends though.

  • I'm inclined to agree with the opinions expressed by Iain and Hullabaloo.

    I think it would be wise to respect what your friend has said. From my perspective, it's not hard to understand why your recent revelation caused them to feel angry with you.

    Right now, I imagine that you're possibly feeling desperate to get the friendship back to how it was. My advice is not to do anything rash, no matter how desperate you may feel.

    It's possible that in time, your friend may be willing to forgive you. However, that's something they will need to decide in their own time. If you try to force it, I think it's likely to do more harm than good.

    In the event that you choose to come clean to your male friend, then I think you need to be prepared for the fact that it could cause irreparable damage to the friendship.

  • Your explanations for why you did something, comes across as trying to explain away your actions, instead of acknowledging that what you've done has hurt your friend, and accepting accountability for that, and accepting the consequences of that. 

    Instead, you are trying to think and do everything in your power to keep them there, which goes against their will. You even got the burner phone last time, and I thought it was a very big reaction to a friend who just needed personal space, but I don't think you are comfortable with the thought of people not being there with you, and maybe it's from the loss of your mom three years ago, in which that's really sad and I'm sorry for your loss. So after thinking about it, I can imagine that your reactions may be due to you not wanting to lose anybody else in your life, but trying to control them like this due to the fear of losing them, is just going to push them all away from you. 

    Trying to make it up to friends after betraying their trust like that, will come across as trying to trick them, or manipulate them, even if it's not your intention to. It's because without that trust being there, they cannot believe you, and it's hard to come back from that. I mean, friends can have their ups and downs, but if there is no trust, they'll just distance themselves from you, because people don't like to be hurt like that. 

    I hope that you can recover from the fear of losing the people around you, and find better ways of connecting with people, other than through control and manipulation. Maybe unraveling some of those things in therapy will help you.  

  • Rach91 said:
    I only did what I did out of desperation and fear

    I still don't get any feeling of actual remorse from you over your actions - it feels more like anger and dissapointment that you didn't get away with it. Sorry to be negative over this but you can see from your friends reaction that it is just wrong.

    Rach91 said:
    I am looking into therapy to help with my behaviours

    Until you actually start these sessions then I beieve you will continue to repeat your mistakes and dig a deeper hole for yourself. Act on this and start the therapy and you may start to find things become clearer.

    Rach91 said:
    I don’t know what to I have hurt one of my closest friends

    I assume you mean the friend who you did not impersonate in order to manipulate your male friend. Could it be that your friends have talked and shared the info? It would explain things.

    So far you have talked a lot and taken no action to amend your behaviour - take that step, then after a few sessions tell your friends (talk about how to do this with your therapist), ideally tell them the truth and ask for their forgivness. Once you demonstrate a willingness to get help then your freinds will hopefully see you in a better light, but for now you are just a maniulator, a liar and a bad friend to them, so you can see why they may be upset.

    Good luck with the therapy but please, don't skip it.