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Internalising a formal ASC diagnosis

NAS84405
4 months ago

So folks,

I don't come here very often. It's been 10 months since I received a formal ASC diagnosis at the age of 47. Since before then I have had counselling with a psychotherapist who specialises in autism, spoken with a 'friend' who leads a counselling team at a local University, with my wife and others who can all see autistic traits in me. I have several autistic kids. I have created a journal of experiences and memories which all demonstrate autistic reactions, traits and behaviours and yet I'm still really struggling to accept that I'm autistic. To the point of (and this is contradictory) that when I refer to myself as autistic and try and own that identity I get a visceral reaction that sometimes includes the arm flailing that first developed as a teenager. 

Trying to move on and yet feel so held back by this inability to come to terms. What did any of you do to reconcile with your diagnosis?

Thanks in advance.

Parents
  • 4 months ago

    Me too! Marriage, children and a good job - now they've all gone because the symptoms became unmanageable. I don't WANT to be autistic, and it worries me that my eldest daughter is displaying many of the same traits as me. It isn't a 'superpower' it's a debilitating illness that has only made me and everyone around me miserable. Like you, I absolutely hate the idea I am inherantly different, and I would do anything to be normal - not that it will be possible.

Reply
  • 4 months ago

    Me too! Marriage, children and a good job - now they've all gone because the symptoms became unmanageable. I don't WANT to be autistic, and it worries me that my eldest daughter is displaying many of the same traits as me. It isn't a 'superpower' it's a debilitating illness that has only made me and everyone around me miserable. Like you, I absolutely hate the idea I am inherantly different, and I would do anything to be normal - not that it will be possible.

Children
  • 4 months ago in reply to NAS93721

    Thanks for sharing this - it sounds like trying to adapt to the diagnosis has been really difficult for you and everyone around you. 

    Not sure if I  hate the idea of being inherently different, I think much of the current struggle comes out of struggling to remain clear in the sense of self, after deliberately discounting and suppressing a load of difficult experiences in seeking 'normality' since my pre-teens,  and now having a diagnosis that actually accredits them as part of who I am, more so in many ways than whatever masks I may have created on top. Genuinely lost at times.

    I really hope things improve for you and you can experience a degree of reassurance and peace on the matter.