Verbal abuse and autism

Hello

I firmly believe that my wife is on the autistic spectrum. This has been the result of 6 months on couples counselling, although she has no formal diagnosis. We have been married for more than 15 years and have children. She has fairly frequent meltdowns which are explosive and usually consist of shouting, swearing and verbal abuse which is mainly directed at me. On one occasion she punched me in the face whilst I was trying to comfort our children. She says the most awful things to me which are so hurtful. My life is like walking on eggshells, trying to keep things calm and avoiding physical contact which can sometimes be a trigger. I have also been having individual counselling to help me cope with my feelings. It is very difficult to express myself to her as she denies there is an issue. After a meltdown she shuts down, retreats to bed and cries a lot. She used to apologise but this doesn't happen anymore. I am torn between calling this abuse and accepting that it is part of her autism. She can be so kind and caring but at other times impossible. I am struggling to carry on with our relationship and have great concerns about the damage being done to our children when they witness these episodes. I want to leave but dont know if I can, I want to help her but dont know if there is anything I can do. I just want it to stop. I dont want her or the kids to be as unhappy as I feel.

Please offer advice.