Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I firmly believe that my wife is on the autistic spectrum. This has been the result of 6 months on couples counselling, although she has no formal diagnosis. We have been married for more than 15 years and have children. She has fairly frequent meltdowns which are explosive and usually consist of shouting, swearing and verbal abuse which is mainly directed at me. On one occasion she punched me in the face whilst I was trying to comfort our children. She says the most awful things to me which are so hurtful. My life is like walking on eggshells, trying to keep things calm and avoiding physical contact which can sometimes be a trigger. I have also been having individual counselling to help me cope with my feelings. It is very difficult to express myself to her as she denies there is an issue. After a meltdown she shuts down, retreats to bed and cries a lot. She used to apologise but this doesn't happen anymore. I am torn between calling this abuse and accepting that it is part of her autism. She can be so kind and caring but at other times impossible. I am struggling to carry on with our relationship and have great concerns about the damage being done to our children when they witness these episodes. I want to leave but dont know if I can, I want to help her but dont know if there is anything I can do. I just want it to stop. I dont want her or the kids to be as unhappy as I feel.
Please offer advice.
i think the saying mean hurtful things, she likely doesnt mean them, but what that is and what it really means is that she feels hurt and angry and upset, and by saying mean horrid things she then gets you upset so that you understand and feel her upset.i think its more a expression of her own feelings.i kinda do that at times, although i dont speak much so it mainly only occurs with me on text based internet communications lol in reality for me its more internalised.but yeah i think i see a common thing there, and i think i can say that she doesnt mean the bad stuff she says its just to express how she is feeling herself. is there no way you can somehow calm her in that situation? ...give her a shoulder to cry on... perhaps the anger that comes out is a block on sadness, as when you dissipate the anger and get rid of the anger the real emotion beneath is often sadness and crying. perhaps you need to somehow break that anger barrier and make her feel its ok to cry and be sad.
Thanks for your comments. I think there is definitely something in what you say and makes me think in a slightly different way about things. Unfortunately I am reaching the end of my endurance and although I have a massive amount of compassion for her and would bend over backwards to try and help her, I'm not sure I have any strength left. My happiness is at stake and her reluctance to seek any help leaves me with little hope.