Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm really nervous about writing this because I fear being judged.
but I've always felt there's something different about the way I think. It's not just a personal feeling—many people have mentioned it to me before. For instance, I've noticed that I unintentionally mimic the behaviors of whoever I'm friends with. More so, I often worry excessively about how they perceive me during our interactions, to the point where I struggle with eye contact—I either overdo it or avoid it entirely.
I'm a 21 female who moved abroad at 18. These past few years have been tough, with a lot of family issues and the devastating loss of my sister. I struggle to express myself and often end up crying because words just don’t seem to capture what I feel inside, This bothers and annoys a lot of people i know. This caused a lot of stress has which led to severe anxiety and forgetfulness. Even certain triggers like knocks on the door, and a site of an authority figure coming next to me, sends me into a panic due to PTSD surrounding my sister's passing.
I've also started to notice behaviors in myself that seem unusual compared to others. It feels like I'm constantly acting, adjusting my personality depending on who I'm with, and not really being my true self.
A year ago, I began to wonder if I might have ADHD. After taking several online tests which suggested I might, I even did a formal test at my university which had a section that screened for autism, and and I started to realize and recognized many tendencies in myself that were mentioned. However, I talked to my brother, who is a med student, and he just laughed at me, and so did my younger brother. I felt stupid for even thinking that, but after a year, I started to rethink about it, but it's really hard for anyone to hear me out and talk to me, and there is no specialist to see me so I can put this at rest.
I’ve talked to friend about it who has ADHD, but she reassured me that I was fine and needed to focus on my studies. Feeling unheard and confused, I continued to seek answers through online quizzes, which isn’t ideal but it's all I had at the moment. Surprisingly, my scores consistently indicate that I might not be neurotypical. However, when I take them, they give me a high number, and I made some of my friends take it, and I told them it's a joke and whatever because they are not going to take me seriously, and they did, and all their results are under 26, mine was 40, and I took other tests like the RAADS test, and I got 153.
Additionally, securing an appointment could take years, and I hesitate to occupy a spot that might be more crucial for someone else, especially if it turns out I'm not.
I just want to have a conversation with someone who will take me seriously. I feel lost, confused, and desperate for answers and understanding without feeling judged.
Going over and over every encounter with others and worrying about what people think and mimiciking behaviours all sounds pretty normal to me, but then I'm autistic. It is intensely uncomfortable and draining and spending time with others can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. I used to both crave being with others and fear it because I felt I would be misunderstood, that I would be getting everything "wrong", then I used to worry that I craved time with others so as I'd have something to beat myself up with when I was alone.
Brother's laughing at you is what brothers do or so I'm led to believe by those that have them.
I agree that some therapy/counselling would be helpful in regards to your sisters passing.
I don't think you'd b taking a spot that someone else would benefit from, you are just as deserving of this help as anyone else.
Fine is an acronym for:-
F*cked up
Insecure
Neurotic
Egostistical
I don't think you're any of those things by the way, but fine is a word we hide behind, to hide how we truely feel, the more someone insists they're fine the less likely they are to be OK. Although you can be in an OK place for the time being with whatever's going on in your life.
Most of all I want to give you a big hug.
Ever since childhood, I've tended to overthink everything, but I assumed it was normal until recently. My friends often describe me as too emotional and a bit unusual, and I usually laugh it off—they aren't wrong about the emotional part. I was also surprised to learn that not everyone daydreams constantly, which was a revelation for me. Now, I avoid mentioning it to avoid feeling "weird." I also tend to cling to people, and now that I've realised this, I've started to back off a bit. My friends have begun to notice and mock this behaviour, and call me codependent on others, but I am not. I can fully function on my own but prefer them with me.
Thank you so much for your understanding and kindness—it truly means a lot to me. It's comforting to know that what I'm feeling is valid.