How to talk to anyone

I've been reading "How to talk to anyone" by Leil  Lowndes today. A lot of it is about success in business, but the first part is relevant to everybody. Although it's not written for autistic people, many who are not autistic also struggle with talking to people they don't know, particularly in formal or social settings.

The book states that "85 per cent of one’s success in life is directly due to communications skills." As autistic people struggle with both verbal and non verbal communication, maybe that's why so many under achieve in education or employment, and struggle to establish/maintain friendships.

Here are some interesting tips from the book:

Non verbal communication:
The way you look and the way you move is more than 80 per cent of someone’s first impression of you. Not one word need be spoken.

The flooding smile
Don’t flash an immediate smile when you greet someone, as though anyone who walked into your line of sight would be the beneficiary. Instead, look at the other person’s face for a second. Then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into your eyes. The split-second delay convinces people your flooding smile is genuine and only for them.

Eye contact
Yale University researchers found that when women told their personal stories to women, increased eye contact encouraged feelings of intimacy. But, it wasn’t so with the men. Some men felt hostile when stared at too long by another man. Other men felt threatened. However, just a couple of seconds of eye contact can make a person appear more sensitive and caring.

Hello old friend
When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old friend (or someone else you had great affection for) that you are meeting after a long time apart. The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your body from the subconscious softening of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes – and everything between.

Limit the fidget
Whenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your ear tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or scratch. And above all, keep your paws away from your face. Hand motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you’re fibbing.

Keep an eye on your listener
Are they smiling? Are they nodding? Are their palms up? They like what they’re hearing. Are they frowning? Are they looking away? Are their knuckles clenched? Maybe they don’t. If conversation Partners step back or look away, they’re not interested in what you’re saying. When they think you’re a pain in the neck they rub theirs. When they feel superior to you, they steeple their hands.

Conversation:
Worried about your first words? Fear not, since 80 percent of your listener’s impression has nothing to do with your words anyway. Almost anything you say at first is fine. Ask them where they’re from, how they know the host of the party, where they bought the lovely suit they’re wearing – or hundreds of etceteras. The trick is to ask your prosaic question with passion to get the other person talking.

The latest news … don’t leave home without it
The last move to make before leaving for a social event – even after you’ve given yourself final approval in the mirror – is to turn on the radio news or scan your newspaper. Anything that happened today is good material.

Never the naked city or job
Whenever someone asks you the inevitable, ‘where are you from?’ or "what do you do?" never unfairly challenge their powers of imagination with a one-word answer. Give some engaging facts about your hometown or occupation that Conversational Partners can comment on. Then, when they say something clever in response to your bait, they'll think YOU are a great conversationalist.

Ac-cen-tu-ate the pos-i-tive
When first meeting someone, lock your closet door and save your skeletons for later. You and your new good friend can invite the skeletons out, have a good laugh, and dance over their bones later in the relationship.

Comm-YOU-nicate your compliments
Comm-YOU-nication also enriches your social conversation. Instead of saying ‘I like your suit.’ say ‘YOU look great in that suit.’

Be a conversation detective
If you say “Terrible storms we had last week, don’t you think?” and the person replies “It’s been good for the plants" don't automatically think they are trying to shut the conversation down. Instead, ask if they have an interest in plants or gardening.

Eavesdrop in
Stand near a group of people you wish to infiltrate. Then wait for a word or two you can use as a wedge to break into the group. For example ‘excuse me, I couldn’t help overhearing your discussion of Bermuda. I’m going there next month for the first time. Any suggestions?’

Parroting
Never be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply repeat the last few words your Conversation Partner says. (For example, they say they went to see the show Sweeney Todd, you reply "Sweeney Todd"?) That puts the ball right back in his or her court, and then all you need to do is listen.