Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been thinking recently about why I never thought I might be autistic until I reached my early fifties.
The first reason is that I didn't know what autism was, having grown up in the 1960s & 70s. I remember seeing "Rain Man" as a young adult, which is apparently what some people use as a stereotype for autism, but I just thought he was a savant.
I thought I was just a "normal" girl and then a "normal" woman. As a child I didn't have any developmental delays. I slept well. I wasn't fussy about food. I was good at reading and spelling. I enjoyed books, art and crafts, music and dance, and loved animals. I had some friends. As a young adult, I liked being at home but did also like to see friends and occasionally go out for dinner or to the cinema or a concert. I didn't stim, I didn't have any obvious problems with eye contact. I didn't like school and was bullied for a while as a teenager, and as an adult I was manipulated by and had misunderstandings with friends and family, leading to breakdowns of some relationships, but I just thought that happens to everyone. I did always have trouble controlling my emotions and cried a lot - but I was just sensitive. We're all different - right?
So, what is it that makes me autistic?I
Here are some clues:
As a child:
I had an imaginary friend (and later, an imaginary horse)
I had gastro-intestinal problems from a very young age
My reading was so advanced I was probably alexythemic (but nobody knew what that was then)
My interest in horses was obsessive (I read everything I could find about them, drew them, collected models of them)
I taught myself to play guitar aged 11
My friend groups changed a lot over the years and I was generally not invited to parties, or even to other friends' homes - I mostly only mixed with them at school. It didn't bother me.
I preferred the company of younger children, and of adults, to kids my own age
At junior school one day, on observing the rough and tumble play and apparent lack of empathy of some other children, I wondered if I was the only real human and they were all robots.
Despite being fairly intelligent, I under-performed at school and didn't do well in exams.
I always suffered in cold temperatures (if I get too cold, it registers as pain)
As an adult:
I now realise I censored my conversations with other women to suit their interests: mainly talking about clothes, hairstyles, make-up, celebrities, popular tv programmes, etc. Not mentioning my interests in sci-fi, Stephen king novels, music, computer games, etc.
I was always a "people pleaser" and I didn't know how to say "no" to a request, and ended up going to quite a lot of social events I didn't really enjoy.
I changed jobs a lot, due to problems with working relationships and feeling picked on by managers.
I've had lots of special interests over the years, including social sciences, food & nutrition and Interior design, and my main interests at the moment are reading fiction, computer games, and autism.
What were your "clues"?
(SORRY FOR THE LONG POST. I GOT EXCITED ABOUT BEING ABLE TO EXPLAIN THIS.)
Growing up, I never thought I was autistic and I didn't know what it meant... I grew up knowing my uncle who is autistic, but he also has a lot of comorbidities and is very high needs, so knowing him that's what I thought autism was. I kind of struggle to see my autistic traits as a child, even now. Any developmental delays or fast developments are a bit hard to pin out because I was born hard of hearing.
As I grew I tried to be a bit grown up and fashionable like everyone else. I don't have many memories, so if there were any "quirks" about me I don't exactly remember (besides my ritualistic tendencies of using certain body parts the same number of times because I felt bad if one side of my mouth chewed my food and the other didn't). Before, I felt I'd never had sensory issues and never had a meltdown over things. But since studying and understanding sensory issues, I realized why I was so uncomfortable under bright lights, in the car which gave me headaches, and feeling annoyed at the lunch table when everyone was messy and chewing.
As a child, I loved talking to people and thought everyone was my friend. I got talked about and yelled at often because I wanted to play with people who didn't like me. Honestly, I can't figure out if I preferred to be with others or not, I have a terrible memory. But I remember being very fond of the swings and I called it my "safe place". I realize now that was my sensory-seeking side... I still love the swings.
When i started making actual friends I loved and loved me back, they were all strange, like me. I still can't figure out if they're neurodivergent but they're certainly not normal..:p I was that stereotypical weird kid who didn't know what to do with my weird brain, so I just did whatever weird things I wanted.. sometimes just enhancing my weirdness on purpose. loved to talk about memes and made weird faces, and i'd draw Five Night at Freddy's stuff for hours.. eventually, my friends and I even started making our own fangame and then all I could draw were fake animatronics. That was one of my first very prominent special interests. I didn't grow up with the internet, but I'd visit my grandma and my nana and then I'd be glued to the computer for hours. I'd play a lot of kid MMOs and listen to Five Nights at Freddy's songs. I'd say the internet is very important to me and it's part of my autism.
In middle school, I had gotten very depressed so I deviated away from my weird persona, although still weird I just wanted to be normal, so I developed anxiety and never really enjoyed talking to people again. I just thought I became very depressed, but if I had the perspective I have now, I think I'd notice everything that made me so hopeless and tired. Now that I'm in high school, I feel the same way, but I know now the noise in school and being around people drains me. Once the pandemic happened, I started noticing I was not very good at talking as I had gotten the internet and was able to see the way I would talk to people by text. I started studying BPD because I was having so many breakdowns about the way i'd talk and I'd drive people away. I was so scared of being lonely because I thought the way I was would drive every single person I loved away. I literally misdiagnosed myself which I think is so funny. I DID have all of those symptoms of BPD but it was something else (I Know now I have CPTSD, MDD, adhd, and autism). I can't really remember when I figured out I was ND but it was around 2021, though for some reason I hadn't taken it seriously? By now I've gone very in-depth.. but yes..
(edit) I forgot to mention I was also Very good in elementary school, I thought I should've skipped grades because everything was so easy. I didn't get into the gifted classes until 5th grade though. I had a very high reading level and by the time I was in first grade, I wanted to read every chapter book I got my hands on. I am pretty sure I had hyperlexia. I struggle with feeling intelligent now, because when middle school rolled around I had a very big burnout and started getting very low grades. Now that I'm in high school, I don't really focus on my education very much but I do try to learn and finish my assignments. I get preoccupied with coding and art too much now. I have very selective attention..
Oh, I had forgotten the swings! I loved them too! I remember now that for a while when I was a child, I would visit a neighbour's house - I was encouraged to go there to make friends with their daughter, but I mostly liked to visit to use her swing!
Ooh yes, I loved swings until I got too old to use them...
I love swings. Now I have kids I have an excuse to go to the park and not look too weird :,)