Published on 12, July, 2020
I was in my fifties when I discovered I was autistic. My AQ score of 46 was rather a shock. After extensive research I began to understand what autism is, and I've come to terms with it.
However, I was just reading a bit about masking and thinking how that relates to me. I'm still a bit.confused about that.
I'm not sure if I could read before I started school, but I know I could write and read my own first name, which has 7 letters in it. I was no genius, but I was always ahead of my peers in reading and spelling, all.the way through my school years. I had no apparent developmental delays. I don't stim and I think my eye contact has always been ok. So.autism, even if it had been understood then, would not have been considered.
As a child, I'm not sure if I masked. What is masking in a child? I was brought up in a quite strict environment where you did as you were told and went to church every Sunday. I was fairly well behaved and often quiet, but could chat away to adults I felt comfortable with. I don't remember wanting to shout and run around, in fact I was a.bit of a lazy child who.preferred sitting and watching things, and I always slept well.
As a young adult, I'm sure I masked. I used to try to be like others I knew, and would try to talk about things they were interested in. I was reticent about revealing liking anything I thought they wouldn't be interested in, such as Stephen King novels, Dr Who, Star Trek, or trying to write my own music or programme a computer. I attended neighbourhood Tupperware parties and and family and work events, because I couldn't say "no thank you" for fear of looking odd or being shunned.
Eventually, some years before I discovered I was autistic, with support from my partner I stopped trying to do the "expected" things. I think I was still masking at work, but then everyone does to a certain extent. I lost family and friends but became more content. I've now been working for a small company for around 9 years so I know everyone well, and they know I'm autistic. My colleagues are lovely, I don't worry about turning down the annual Christmas party invite, and I feel more "myself" than I ever have.
I don't know how much I masked, whether I still do, and how much of my behaviour now is learned rather than innately "me". I would be interested in hearing any thoughts on this.
I’m in my middle thirties and accidentally I discovered that ASD/Asperger might be the reason of my weirdness and my problems and struggles in life. It all happened when once I was watching an interview between David Grusch and Joe Rogan about the UFO and the whistleblower’s problems with the agency etc. at some point Grusch said, that he is high functioning autist and it intrigued me. I said to myself “but he looks absolutely normal, much more normal than me!” (So sorry, I was terribly uninformed and ignorant about Autism) So I obviously googled that phrase “high functioning autism” and came across an article about Asperger Syndrome. I was absolutely shocked to recognize myself in that description of female characteristics. I actually got a panic attack and when I calmed down I decided that it must have been a delusion and I closed the page and removed it from history. Some time later YouTube started bombing me with videos about Asperger Syndrome and generally about Autism. Only then I started accepting the fact that I relate a lot. I remember that when I was a kid my teacher told my mom, that I’m probably autistic, but my mom got upset and told the teacher that I’m perfectly normal just like her! Lol! I heard one more time as a child, that I’m probably autistic, but nothing has been done about it. Later I started masking. Pretending that I’m interested with “normal” interests and hobbies, I’ve finally learned to make some short eye contact but still struggle with it, I’ve been training myself, my expression and gestures in front of a mirror to appear more normal, I’m doing it for years. Recently stopped because I got tired of it. I mastered ways of coping with social events (but I do it only if I have to). My mom is the only person, who knows what’s in my head, and how rich my inner world is. Most of the people know only my mask. I’m not diagnosed, I have no time and money for that and for some other reason it’s not my goal currently, but I love researching, learning, understanding. Some therapists say that this is lately “popular diagnosis” or an epidemic rise of autists. No, it’s just raising awareness. Autistic and other neurodivergent people have always existed but never before been recognized and understood.