Published on 12, July, 2020
I was in my fifties when I discovered I was autistic. My AQ score of 46 was rather a shock. After extensive research I began to understand what autism is, and I've come to terms with it.
However, I was just reading a bit about masking and thinking how that relates to me. I'm still a bit.confused about that.
I'm not sure if I could read before I started school, but I know I could write and read my own first name, which has 7 letters in it. I was no genius, but I was always ahead of my peers in reading and spelling, all.the way through my school years. I had no apparent developmental delays. I don't stim and I think my eye contact has always been ok. So.autism, even if it had been understood then, would not have been considered.
As a child, I'm not sure if I masked. What is masking in a child? I was brought up in a quite strict environment where you did as you were told and went to church every Sunday. I was fairly well behaved and often quiet, but could chat away to adults I felt comfortable with. I don't remember wanting to shout and run around, in fact I was a.bit of a lazy child who.preferred sitting and watching things, and I always slept well.
As a young adult, I'm sure I masked. I used to try to be like others I knew, and would try to talk about things they were interested in. I was reticent about revealing liking anything I thought they wouldn't be interested in, such as Stephen King novels, Dr Who, Star Trek, or trying to write my own music or programme a computer. I attended neighbourhood Tupperware parties and and family and work events, because I couldn't say "no thank you" for fear of looking odd or being shunned.
Eventually, some years before I discovered I was autistic, with support from my partner I stopped trying to do the "expected" things. I think I was still masking at work, but then everyone does to a certain extent. I lost family and friends but became more content. I've now been working for a small company for around 9 years so I know everyone well, and they know I'm autistic. My colleagues are lovely, I don't worry about turning down the annual Christmas party invite, and I feel more "myself" than I ever have.
I don't know how much I masked, whether I still do, and how much of my behaviour now is learned rather than innately "me". I would be interested in hearing any thoughts on this.
Sounds quite similar to my life and I was only diagnosed last year in my early 50's.
As a child I was extremely shy - all you had to do was look at me and I would go bright red.I did struggle with reading, but excelled at maths from quite a young age.I had very few friends and limited interests - Lego and Action Man being the 2 toys that I really enjoyed playing with.Then in my teens computers were a thing and I also enjoyed dabbling in music (bass / keyboards).
My dad passed away 14 years ago (well before my diagnosis). My stepmother wasn't surprised when I told her about my diagnosis, but was angry that it hadn't been picked up in my childhood. She said that she had suspicions back then, but being a new member of our family (in my mid teens), she didn't feel that it was her place to bring it up.
Anyway, I certainly didn't know or even think that I was autistic back then. Sure I thought that I was different to other people, but then we're all unique. It was only in recent years that I was doing a lot of research and soul searching that I started to consider the possibility that I was just "different", but in fact that I may be autistic.
OK, back then I don't think autism was such a "thing" - by which I mean that it wasn't as recognised and commonly diagnosed as it is today. Sometimes I do wonder about / question the prevalence of ASD along with other conditions like ADHD. I guess that is probably due to so many different factors.