Published on 12, July, 2020
I’m Female, 35. For as long as I’ve remembered I’ve had an obsession for certain people, usually older women (or girls when I was a child). In a completely non sexual way. When I was younger I would just stare at people which at the time I didn’t notice what I was doing, I remember once another child saying “have I got a telly on my head” and my friend had to explain it was because I was staring at them. Then in high school I’d be so focused on watching how groups of girls interact with each other. I’d get to know people so well by watching both in person and on social media, that I felt I knew them very well.
Some of these people I’d make up imaginary situations in my head, such as that they are my family members and look after me. Which is another thing I’ve always felt I needed to be looked after but unsure why. It all sounds very odd and I still do this now but I’m unsure why. I don’t know whether these are autistic traits or whether I am just strange.
I did the same thing at times of protracted loneliness which was most of my youth on through till I began my life as an artist, where I found all the other misfits.
My other people (not just girls) fantasy was that we would play and confide, though, I did have an occasional fantasy about mother-aged older women as givers of special attention and quality time together too. I had a type, even, they were all aging beatniks.
Little gay boys were drawn to me for some reason till puberty drove them on to more appropriate playmates. I always took this very hard. (I am sort of asexual.).
Loneliness brings on this sort of "window-shopping" mentality. I still do it a bit if I travel to a place where I am a stranger. But now I know what it is a simply write a little missive or very short story, making a life for them and I am the sidekick.
Uhane I’m very interested to hear about your mother aged women fantasies. I have this also (in a very non-sexual way) of women I know or know of, and recreate scenarios in my head of them caring for me.
I don’t understand it as I have a loving mother and family, so it isn’t as though I’m craving love as I have it.
Uhane said:I still do it a bit if I travel to a place where I am a stranger.
This got me thinking. Aren’t we strangers everywhere?