Social skills and tactics

I can add my strategies here, as flawed as they may be and as hit-or-miss the results they spawn may be. These strategies have been hard won after decades of isolation. I am neigh on 70 yrs old now, with lots of friends along the way. A good therapist and self love are the first steps: I can offer nothing to a relationship with another person if I don't have a positive one with myself.

Here goes:

• Be honest and authentic with oneself and with others. Don't pretend to be who you are not, or try to fit whatever expectation others may have or that you THINK they have. Contrast is a valuable part of being friends.

• I use the "Scatter shot" approach: allow for a number of people to enter your social sphere without expectations at all. Some connections will bear fruit and grow into friendships, some may atrophy from no-fault indifference. Some will be one sided. Some will be a bit too much. The whole enchilada.

•Making friends requires dedicated time and patience. It is not a snap of the finger. Time is needed to observe, to allow for each person to see the other in various situations and to establish some sense of predictability or pattern of behavior. (This took me a very long time to understand!). There is no instant friendship. 

•I Don't take rejection personally, or try to guess what I did wrong. 95% of the time it is just a bad fit and not my fault. I assume a no-fault situation. Let that be what it is. I don't feel the need to change for anyone else, just let things be what they evolve into.

•I try to be blunt but neutral when I don't feel a connection, with a promise that if things differ in the future we can revisit the alliance, how ever much time goes by.

•This is the hardest one for me. My enthusiasm can drive me on to reckless faux pas!  - Honor other people's sense of privacy. If you are thinking fondly of them or would like to share more deeply with them your hopes, fears and aspirations they must be receptive to receiving them. 

  Make sure they want to hear them first by testing the waters with a small intimate share, like "You know, I am sometimes afraid of cats!" and see if the intimate share is reciprocated with one of their ow or if it is dismissed as unworthy of consideration or any number of myriad reactions. Either way you will have your answer. It is better to know if your going to receive abuse, indifference or support sooner than later.

• Know that many friendships are common-ground based. If you share a common interest there will be a more speedy intelligence. But these can often begin and end with that common interest unless this common interest is a consuming passion for both of you. With these kinds of friendship I know there are things of an intimate nature I would not share, but they are so much fun at comic-con! They become my fill-in-interest friend.

•each friendship is unique. I try to keep that at the fore of my all relations.

I hope this helps in some small way.

Let's go with that ans see what we can come up with! A goodly notion!

I would say,

Don't share too much information about yourself with people until at least having met them a few times. 

Stick to safe topics the first few conversations. The weather, sport, what's in the news (but generally stay from politics if possible), anything relevant to the circumstances you meet that person (if you're waiting for a bus, something about buses), if it's a special interest class or social group something about that interest.

If you want to play it safe dress like what most people in your area dress like. Find out what the level of smartness is and what colours or brands are popular and wear the same or similar. Of course, in an ideal world we would all more or less express ourselves freely but people tend to be afraid of or wary of people who look different.

Thanks, I’ll have a look 

Games People Play by Eric Berne.. 

Amerantin (former member) said:

what tactics and tricks have you learned to use to keep in touch with friends, make new friends or just reduce friction when dealing with other humans?

I'm going to turn this around.

What do you think holds you back with regard to keeping in touch with or making friends? 

The reducing friction thing is a different story I think.

These are just practical suggestions though and I suspect you are looking for more than this.

Also those who have or may have AD(H)D will have more to contend with.

Amerantin (former member) said:

what tactics and tricks have you learned to use to keep in touch with friends

I have lost touch with a lot of people over the years.

With regard to the 2 I still have I write in the calendar when I see them and try to ensure there isn't a long gap before I see them again.

I keep in touch daily by text with my autistic friend. 

We are both very diligent with texts.

The other friend doesn't have a mobile so ringing her once a week goes onto my weekly to do list if she doesn't call first.

It's different with the few online friends I have made as I find that more relaxed. 

It's easy to change the title.

I will need to think about a contribution

It’s actually not such a daft suggestion.

I’ve read that people who read fiction tend to have a higher EQ and better social skills because reading fiction makes you imagine being in someone else’s shoes.

Good idea!

Why not have the thread be about tactics generally and not just books?

I think this might result in more input.

Wuthering Heights? 

Just a joke to illustrate my inability to help but hopefully me bumping the question back up will result in useful input...