Published on 12, July, 2020
I’m female 20 years old. People are constantly twisting my words. I live with my grandma, I’ve been burnt out my whole life, people expect so much effort from me but I’ve given all I can give. I’m so tired, there’s just nothing left inside me, I’m just a shallow husk of a human being. They all say “nobody knows you better than you know yourself” but then argue with me every time I try to tell them what’s happening with me. Grandma will constantly say, “you were so bubbly and happy for the last three days what changed???” And I explained that she’s been too hard on me lately and expects too much out of me and she just clapped back with “oh for Pete sake you just want everything your way and you never care about anyone else” and then I’m always accused of being “angry” and “irate” when I’m really just mentally and emotionally exhausted and am desperate to be heard. Other neurodivergent people get me. But these people I’m with don’t. I have nowhere else to go, I have no life, I’m completely miserable, and they just keep saying I need to try harder and I am “capable of more than what I give myself credit for” It’s completely hopeless nobody is ever gonna hear me… she insists on a professional diagnosis before she will listen but then then says “you probably have autism” but then she won’t read anything I give her online, things I actually resonate with. She doesn’t wanna hear it and her response is “those psychologists don’t know you!” But then why do I relate to everything being talked about??? I’m at a loss, she’ll say “you just wanna lay around and do nothing while everyone else does everything for you!” And I’m like no.. I’m just autistic and I CANT do those things I’m too TIRED!! And she’s like “well if you’re that bad then you need to go somewhere to be treated” NO I DONT!! I JUST NEED TO BE LISTENED TO! Someone please help me…
I feel the same way. This is the problem with NTs they expect Autistic people to not be Autistic and “fixed” because they want us to be like them and not ourselves. I find this even worse coming from minority groups, particularly the NT LGBTQ+ community who should understand that, based on their history, they were once considered the same thing, they were considered a “mental illness” that needed to be “fixed” and they are now asking the world to accommodate to them and accept them and let them live as themselves, which is no different than what we Autistics want, and it’s very hypocritical. One of the things that irritates the living c**p out of me is having neurotypical thinking put on me when I’m not neurotypical. It’s constant frustration dealing with NTs cause they think we want everything our way when it’s not that. For me it’s just simple, make a compromise that gives both people exactly what they want which is the easiest way to handle things and then they project it on me that I want just my way when they are trying to get their way cause how is compromising so both people get their way just me getting my way? It’s frustrating af!
I hear you, I'm listening and I've been through similar things, there's no easy answers. But as Uhane says is there anyway you can live independently? Could you rent yourself a holiday let and just go and be alone for a week or two? I know it wont' fully recharge your batteries or solve the problem, but it might give you respite.
Or at least give the space to think clearly.