On holiday and really struggling

Hi everyone, I’m on a cruise and I’m really struggling. I had quite a severe Autistic meltdown back in January of this year where I couldn’t speak or do anything. I’m normally very independent but struggle with change, so a complete meltdown was not only unexpected but caused major problems as people just didn’t recognise who I was anymore.

Fast forward three months or so and I’m doing a lot better. I can speak again and have support to help me go out once a week at home.

Mum and Dad booked a cruise for me back in January  as something to look forward to in the hope I would be fully recovered by now. I would normally be able to manage being on a cruise and going ashore on excursions with them quite well, we were only on one a year ago or so and I had a blast.

The problem is, I haven’t fully recovered and my anxiety and intrusive thoughts are really overwhelming and I am now on the cruise as I type this. Mum and Dad said to me don’t worry if you don’t feel able to leave the ship etc, even if you stay in the cabin and read and enjoy the views that’s fine.

Unfortunately I’ve put a lot of pressure on myself to try and make this holiday perfect and prove to myself I’m back to normal, but it hasn’t gone that that way. I haven’t been on any excursions because as soon I leave the ship I start rocking back and forth with anxiety and want to go back onboard. Today I have managed to go ashore for thirty minutes and have a drink in a cafe before coming back onboard. Mum and Dad says that progress, but when I used to go on five hour excursions with them everyday on a cruise, I feel like a failure.  

I’m so so lucky to have been able to go on holiday. I come back on Monday and I’m so looking forward to going home. Isn’t that awful of me to say that? I have had a nice holiday on the ship, it’s just the things I wanted to do and used to do I couldn’t do and that has made me feel terrible.

Sorry to go on. Has anyone else experience Autism meltdowns or setbacks / regression? I’m 28 and was only diagnosed in 2020 so it’s still all rather new to me.

Many thanks