Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm 25 and I have a very spotty employment record. I have never had a job for more than 6 months and I have only been in about 3 paid positions. I find it very difficult to find and maintain work.
I got a job offer which I accepted and I am due to start on the 18th but I am just dreading it, I have worked full time before and I know I cant sustain it. From the stress it causes me at the time of working to the schedule around it, to the constant issues I have sleeping, I also have mental health issues that are likely related to being autistic and I find fitting in at any work place so hard and even if people tell me I fit in I still feel like an imposter.
But I really don't know what to do. I cant live off of my parents my entire life, I know I cant. But I just don't see how I can ever support myself and not fall apart. I just cant sustain the stress or pressure it puts on me. Its not that I am lazy or I don't want to work, I have worked hard at plenty of things that have been self driven in my life but when it comes to gaining and keeping employment it just makes me unwell. I feel like people at the jobcentre don't appreciate or understand this at all.
I have this massive conflict inside me. One side says start on the 18th and just bare it as long as I can but the other half honestly just wants to give up. I want to get a part time job but I can never find one. I am very IT literate and I have worked in IT before but because I don't have any qualifications because I was thrown off of an apprenticeship because apparently I wasn't consistent enough, and because of this no one hires me as I don't have desirable qualifications. This all came back to the fact that managing the stress of the job, as well as learning just made me ill, It was to the point where if I had some work due in 30 days I would start panicking about it even though I knew I could finish it in one day or less. I remember we had these classes that were 4 days long and took place on teams and I would sit there all day bordering on having a panic attack worrying that there would be something I couldn't learn or understand and assuming that everyone else was just better than me.
I know this has turned into a bit of a ramble, but I really don't know what to do. I just feel like I am always going to struggle to function. Like I look at my dad, he works 10-12 hours a day is fine. This job I am supposed to be starting is 8-5, so pretty standard but I am just dreading it. At my last job I managed to negotiate finishing at half 4 rather than half 5 but even that I found difficult. I just feel exhausted by it all. I don't know how people do it and sustain it but it feels impossible to me.
The first section of my career was in IT (although the environment was not always at all easy for me, but I kept trying different things to adapt things, here and there, to aid navigating the tasks and projects while playing to my strengths).
Then I worked in a range of different sectors, scales of businesses and a mix of private and public sector organisations (often including, IT, engineering, technical or legislative themes to the roles).
More recently, I was able to find a part-time fixed term contract (and you are correct; that it is not always easy to spot them on job boards or via the Job Centre ...I proposed my last contract to the prospective employer after having "temped" with them for a bit via an agency. This short temp booking effectevely acted as my "shop window".
Similar to you, I have not always been able to trade on the right match of formal qualifications - instead, I try to concentrate on conveying e.g. problems I have successfully solved, knowledge I have shared to help others around me (outside of the office social events might not be my strength or where I shine, however, I can demonstrate getting along with colleagues by their being appreciative of my having trained / inducted them on somethings I find easy but they happen to find difficult), and my ability to make full use of the resources available to me and my colleagues.
In any workplace, I find that to things move beyond uncomfortable / bearable / tolerable and ...stick at it (digging deep into that Autistic perseverance trait if at all possible): I would usually best serve my interests (outcomes) by trying to e.g. put structure in place to ration or pace myself, to compartmentalise things I find stressors (self-advice like: OK the commute this morning was a special nightmare ...but I have arrived at the office now - you need to "change gear" - the commute experience has nothing to do with what I need to to tackle at work today - pick yourself a short transition task to focus and settle in - then get with the office part of today.
I am prone to workaholic / perfectionist / flow-immersion tendencies ...so I need to use timers / time of day to be strict about taking a break to consciously attend to myself ("autopilot" on this is too weak a signal for me to rely upon it): snacks / beverages / lunch / bathroom. I encourage other colleagues likewise, as on this front; what is good for me is likely healthy for them too - particularly if we are jointly busy on some particularly demanding project tasks - really, I see it as part of my Project Management Duty of Care "toolbox". It is amazing how often people bounce back from a brew-break accompanied by "I've just had a thought we could ...".
Where I still tend to struggle is around Autism Disclose and proposing / applying / maintaining Reasonable Adjustments (partly as I often work on Contract ...so there is the potential for a small inner voice (un-helpfully) justifying along the lines of - "...but you only have a few months left on this Contract to get through, it is not really worth bothering your Line Manager / HR with this angst". (OK, I am working on that bad habit!).
One document which I have found provides some clear insight about companies adopting considerate practice around neurodiversity inclusion is one published by Axa (I find the page layouts are digestable). I have been reading it to think more about - might "X" strategy be really beneficial for me in my next role?: "Supporting Neurodiversity at Work" (via the button: DOWNLOAD YOUR WORKPLACE GUIDE):
https://www.axahealth.co.uk/business/business-health-centre/insights/supporting-neurodiversity-at-work/
Good luck with everything. I really do believe it is fair to feel that your experiences / concerns are valid and likely shared by many of us in the Community. (Strength From Solidarity!).
you will always always always feel the urge to quit and give up, i always do myself.... you need to fight it and ignore it and press on, i found everytime i went on and fought past the urge to quit, i get good things, and the urge to quit fades time to time and i feel happy... its likely the urge to quit is a depression symptom and it will always be there and you will likely always be fighting it, but you will get gaps where your happy you didnt quit. and your life will improve and you will get things anyway... but the urge to quit will always come back, you just have to ignore it and fight on. you are your own worst enemy, our lives are a fight against ourselves.
This is the very reason why post diagnostic assessments to establish level of autism and appropriate adult autism support required are vital and must become both a basic legal entitlement for autistic adults and a basic legal requirement on the relevant bodies - having been diagnosed later in life in 2021 at age 53, having worked in supermarket retailing for over 30 years in both Ireland and here in the U.K., I do empathise and relate - attitudes towards adult autism in particular and mental health issues in general must change in our society, even in the post-Covid era and frankly, in the internet age, there is no longer any excuse for society’s deliberate ignorance and point-blank refusal to understand the issues that we as autistic people face - speaking as an older gay man myself, the LGBT community only achieved the changes to rights and equality by activism and lobbying for political and social change for many decades and yet, despite the fact that many LGBT’s are autistic and vice versa, the level of prejudice and discrimination including towards autistic people within the LGBT community is off the scale
I know how you feel. It is a nightmare isn't it?
Dear NAS92365,
Thank you for sharing this with our community. While we are waiting for the community to respond, you may want to read our pages about employment, https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/employment
You might also like to have a look at our guide ‘Support at work – a guide for autistic people’ which you can find here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/employment/support-at-work/autistic-adults
Thank you. I hope this helps!
Warm regards,
Eunice Mod