Published on 12, July, 2020
I've only recently been diagnosed with autism (last November). The reason I became interested in the possibility is that I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for well over a decade. One of the reasons I've been struggling has been a profound fear of death. And a strong dissatisfaction with Reality and desire for there to be something transcending it that will fill what now seems, at present, to be a completely unsolvable yearning deep within the heart of me.
I should quickly add that I respect all faiths and also atheist viewpoints. But I've spoken to vicars and philosophers, heard from the religious (from all kinds of faiths), the spiritual, researching in great detail why they believe what they do... and I've spoken to none-believers and how they find meaning and purpose in the face of death.
And have had TWO therapists, who tried to help me with the issue.
Thus far, nothing has helped. I want 'faith' but can't find any evidence strong enough to make me believe or overcome my innate skepticism. And- with much respect towards those for whom this works- the numerous ideas that comfort and bring meaning to nonbelievers simply don't work for me. Life that ends in oblivion and where this hunger within is never answered, seems to me- personally, I'm aware this is probably very different for many of you- to be devoid of anything worth existing for.
I've had much advice along the lines of, 'have you tried not caring?' or 'have you tried finding value in something else instead?' but, while I'm open to trying new things, obviously what I can't change is my very shape of my heart. How easy life would be if we could just choose not to care about things (you'd never have a worry again!) or if we could choose what it is we want.
It's all very upsetting- but I feel like I've run out of ways of attempting to solve this problem and it's feeling very hopeless.
Can anyone relate? What can I do?
I can relate.
I found it all boiled down to one thing: Is what I see and am experiencing created or random?
Once you figure that one out then the rest kinda falls into place.
The evidence I haev avaialel suggets that you do have to DECIDE if you want to live a self directed and meaningful life, rather than just being a "hostage to fortune".
My avatar represents (amongst other things) the possibilty that the majority of "you" exists in the other 8 or so dimensions that people inifintely cleverer than me insist have to exist in order for physics, etc. to work.
At that pont I was confrnted by teh horrible idea that life after death might not only be real but might be completely (incomprehnesibly) different to this one and that this one might be considered soemthing of a training excercise. I stopped wanting to kill myself around this time, figuring that death could mean a thrusting out of the spiritual fryng pan literally into the fire!
I resolved to wrestle the life I have "into shape" as it were, and do my best to leave this life having conquered as many of it's challenges as I can.
As JD (and most religious or pahilosophy books) say (but in not quite the same words) "yer pays yer money, yer takes yer choice..."