Feeling confused and lost after Autism diagnosis

Seeing the replies here seems to suggest that this isn't an abnormal response, and - although this probably isn't terrifically helpful - I can add to that testimony.  It's about 7 months since I received a diagnosis at the age of 47, after the diagnosis of a teenage child a couple of years ago.  The benefit has been that I can better assign understanding to experiences over the decades, problematic behaviours that seem impossible to correct, and the feeling of living a double-life (a masked one that applies to every interaction, and then the one that I experience on my own). 

Trying to find support is tough, I'm fortunate that my church has helped fund counselling for me with an Autism specialist, yet progress is painfully slow.  Although it could be argued that prior to diagnosis life had been coped with, the reason I sought diagnosis was because it was becoming increasingly difficult to do so (hit burnout hard and still feeling like I'm skimming over the surface of it now), so the hope was that having a diagnosis would make a difference.  As I say, it's given understanding and context, but this is only working on a cognitive level and hasn't yet created space or kindness towards myself emotionally yet.  There has been a considerable battle even following diagnosis in actually accepting it.

So far my counsellor has identified a tapestry of ASC related challenges including compulsive behaviours, evidence of  CPTSD, anxiety, depression, imposter syndrome, and insomnia.  He is the only one that I have managed to achieve a degree of unmasking with, and that is both liberating and uncomfortable simultaneously.  All of the above has brought me to a place of opportunity to become more authentic with myself, but it feels really unstable and I naturally want to reject what I'm seeing. Lately, it feels like the mask keeps inadvertently 'slipping' a bit when at work or other social places, and that adds to a sense of insecurity and tension. In similar style to yourself, I also don't want to use the diagnosis as an excuse, and experience resentment towards the autism (I know, de-personalising the autism and not owning it is probably not helpful, working on this).

It is both lonely and frequently almost unbearable.  The things that keep propelling me through this are:
1) The hope that the stuff which I mention above, which have been impacting my life for as long as I can remember - and intensified as a teenager - may come to a point of being compassionately managed and less harmful (if I am truly autistic then they can never be fully resolved).
2) I had come to point where I wasn't coping any more, so there really isn't a way 'back.'

Didn't mean to go on like this, but did want to try and be supportive.  All the best.

Seeing the replies here seems to suggest that this isn't an abnormal response, and - although this probably isn't terrifically helpful - I can add to that testimony.  It's about 7 months since I received a diagnosis at the age of 47, after the diagnosis of a teenage child a couple of years ago.  The benefit has been that I can better assign understanding to experiences over the decades, problematic behaviours that seem impossible to correct, and the feeling of living a double-life (a masked one that applies to every interaction, and then the one that I experience on my own). 

Trying to find support is tough, I'm fortunate that my church has helped fund counselling for me with an Autism specialist, yet progress is painfully slow.  Although it could be argued that prior to diagnosis life had been coped with, the reason I sought diagnosis was because it was becoming increasingly difficult to do so (hit burnout hard and still feeling like I'm skimming over the surface of it now), so the hope was that having a diagnosis would make a difference.  As I say, it's given understanding and context, but this is only working on a cognitive level and hasn't yet created space or kindness towards myself emotionally yet.  There has been a considerable battle even following diagnosis in actually accepting it.

So far my counsellor has identified a tapestry of ASC related challenges including compulsive behaviours, evidence of  CPTSD, anxiety, depression, imposter syndrome, and insomnia.  He is the only one that I have managed to achieve a degree of unmasking with, and that is both liberating and uncomfortable simultaneously.  All of the above has brought me to a place of opportunity to become more authentic with myself, but it feels really unstable and I naturally want to reject what I'm seeing. Lately, it feels like the mask keeps inadvertently 'slipping' a bit when at work or other social places, and that adds to a sense of insecurity and tension. In similar style to yourself, I also don't want to use the diagnosis as an excuse, and experience resentment towards the autism (I know, de-personalising the autism and not owning it is probably not helpful, working on this).

It is both lonely and frequently almost unbearable.  The things that keep propelling me through this are:
1) The hope that the stuff which I mention above, which have been impacting my life for as long as I can remember - and intensified as a teenager - may come to a point of being compassionately managed and less harmful (if I am truly autistic then they can never be fully resolved).
2) I had come to point where I wasn't coping any more, so there really isn't a way 'back.'

Didn't mean to go on like this, but did want to try and be supportive.  All the best.