Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi Everyone. My son was recently diagnosed with Autism. If I'm honest, I was relieved as it explained his behaviour over the last couple of years.
This was then followed by guilt as why didn't we pick up on things earlier. Especially as he may be dyslexic too.
This leads me to my question.
For years my wife has laughed at my odd ways, often saying that I am on the spectrum. I even used to tell my wife not to worry about my son as "I was the same when I was a kid".
Since my sons diagnosis, my wife has been reading everything she can and she shows me some things. It would seem that I have a lot of traits too.
I watched a video on the NHS website and tears streamed down my face. I saw parts of me in all of the 5 people in the video. It was as if it was the first time that everything seemed clear in my head and I could explain past experiences.
I decided to ask the doctor for a referral for an autism assessment.
I was firstly told by the receptionist that " I think were all on the spectrum"
Then when the doctor called back I was told that I've coped till now and there's no treatment. I tried to explain that even if I could explain the ways I think and feel and ccould be there for my son as someone who knows exactly how he feels.
He begrudgingly agreed to the referral. But since that call I just feel like a fraud. As if I'm making autism fit to my story.
I didn't really get my point across to well and normally I would have my wife there so she can explain things as I forget when I'm in these situations.
I just feel very anxious now as it feels that if I was autistic then it would explain so much, but if I wasn't then what?( I have little to no empathy and can be very blunt)
Sorry for the long post. I had to edit as my wife said I may have offended. Apologies. Just being blunt I suppose.
Hi, I’m so sorry you had to hear those really unhelpful comments from the secretary and the GP. It’s not true that ‘everyone is on the spectrum’- it shows a deep level of misunderstanding from the secretary. Don’t be put off by the comment from the GP. I can relate a lot to the feelings of doubt and worrying that maybe you are engaging in confirmation bias and ‘making autism fit to your story’. I felt similarly when it was first mentioned that I might be autistic- it was really confusing. I think a lot of autistic people experience ‘impostor syndrome’ and doubts when seeking a diagnosis and even after- not sure if it is because a lot of us are very good at questioning everything, analysing everything etc. I think it is very normal to start to see events and things from past in a new light once you know you might be autistic.I don’t think you should let yourself be put off from seeking a diagnosis. I know the GP said ‘you can’t treat it so why bother diagnosing ‘ and yes you can’t and should not even be trying to treat autism but it can give so much relief and help a lot to know that you are autistic- it allows you to better understand yourself and it makes sense of some of the struggles and it’s much healthier to be able to tell yourself- this is because I’m autistic rather than starting to blame yourself etc and feel like you need to try harder or there is something wrong with you. There isn’t and it is very helpful to better understand yourself and have your differences validated. You and your family have come to the conclusion that you are probably autistic for good reasons. Why should a GP that doesn’t really know you know better? And you are maybe even masking when at the GPs. It just shows that your GP sadly doesn’t have much understanding about autism. I hope you don’t let yourself be put off and go for the assessment. It does help to know.
I just wanted to add that it takes time to question your autistic identity less and less. Even after diagnosis I still worried sometimes that it was a mistake, that I was too desperate to fit in and get a diagnosis and could this maybe have subconsciously affected the outcome etc. But at least for me with time the doubts grow smaller and less frequent- It also helps to interact with other neurodiverse individuals- I realised a lot of my friends are actually autistic- they just hadn’t said anything before I mentioned i might be. It also helpedto talk to people on this forum. There were a lot of things I could relate to (though of course not everything as we are all different afterall and there is not one way to be autistic). I hope all of this somewhat helps.