Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I've got my Diagnosis Assessment coming up on Wednesday next week, I've been making a list of everything I can think of that affects me or I struggle with or just generally notice about myself. I see so many people talking about masking but it's something I can't seem to relate to.. and despite everything else on my list, I feel like this is like a big thing that I'm supposed to be experiencing and it might sound silly but could this mean I don't have ASD?
During school (I'm 27 now) I was always seen as the weird kid so naturally I stayed pretty quiet, but while with friends I was just "me", as long as I had people nearby that I know, I didn't feel the need to be quiet or hide any part of me. But I wouldn't say that I try to hide myself or be someone I'm not while with others (no more than what I thought was normal), I'd just keep my head down and carry on quietly. But this has been my experience all through life, I'm just quieter around other people. I've never really felt like I can't be myself, my family have always allowed me to be myself and never shamed me for being quirky or weird etc. and neither have my friends they just accept me for me and don't really think of it as anything different, it's just me.
Since growing up and being an adult there are certain things that I don't do while I'm not at home, but I've always seen it more as a "you're an adult now, you should know better" type of thing and again, I'm just quieter around other people, but isn't that just a normal thing anyway?
I just feel like that's something I'm missing, it's so widely spoken about and recognised as a thing with ASD but masking really just doesn't seem to resonate with me. It almost feels like a deal-breaker, if that makes sense? Like it's something I should be experiencing? Or is it possible that because I have a good support network I've not felt the need to build up walls? I don't know, I just don't really understand it and I feel like I really, really should?
Have a look - available online - at the diagnostic criteria for autism in the ICD-10 and DSM-5 manuals. Try to fit your traits and experiences into the various sections that are necessary to get a diagnosis. Things that often trip people up are having traits that go back to early childhood, and traits having an impact on your day-to-day life (like having difficulties in conversations, sensory issues or using the telephone etc.).
I mask seamlessly and no-one outside my immediate family would think that I am autistic. I cover up my problems without it having much effect on me, except exhaustion, if I have to socialise for too long. My masking is as much a part of me as my autism. I cannot really recognise how I mask, it is entirely instinctive. The only specific thing I recognise is that I make eye contact consciously, I time it so that other people are comfortable talking to me. Though I have to think about eye contact, making eye contact is not particularly unpleasant for me. I could not stop masking if I tried, it is entirely automatic.
In short, some autistic people mask without being aware that they are masking and some masking can be beneficial socially, while not being deleterious for the masker.
Thank you for your reply, I have looked into the manuals like you said. I just worry because I don't remember much from my childhood. I have mostly been focussing on my current experiences and struggles. My Mum is coming with me to the appointment, and she's not massively clued up on ASD she just has a few things that she noticed while I was young, and nobody else really picked up on anything (teachers etc.) but people keep telling me that it wasn't as recognised in schools as it is now. I'll go through it with her in better detail now I've looked into what you suggested and see if she agrees with anything not previously mentioned. I've become so stressed and consumed by it all now that it is so close, I didn't think I would be like this!