Being female with Autism in the workplace

Hello everyone, I am just over a year into my adult diagnosis and I am finding it really difficult as I re learn myself, all my quirks and the challenges I have in this world.

I have always struggled with keeping jobs, every single job I have had, I have either had to leave due to exhaustion (which back then had no reason or rhyme, I was just called lazy) or my immune system would crash violently and I would be constantly off unwell from sinusitis, throat infections or just flue symptoms. I have experienced periods of stress in my life which were so intense due to working through these things I have had very severe meltdowns and shut downs (And have been told to stop acting like a child or I have been chased to the ladies bathroom and spoke to condescendingly by my training staff because I was too embarrassed to meltdown Infront of people). Due to all these circumstances I have a kind of phobia of working and an adjoining social phobia.

In my new job currently which this post is about my first meeting with my boss was so stressful I began shaking uncontrollably and going into a tunnel and her face was very blurry I was having a severe shut/meltdown because of my previous experiences with managers (where I have been belittled, berated and judged for my ASD characteristics which up until now were not addressed). I breathed through the feeling and visual blur and pretended I was okay and the meltdown was a little less severe towards the end of the meeting but I get very dizzy during my meltdowns and just want to lay on the floor or cover my face.

I have got a lot better as trust has built with my boss but I do feel that no matter what I appear 'normal' on the outside but despite being high functioning my struggle is extreme inside. The saying I believe is that the term high functioning only means that your autistic behaviours are easier for everyone else to manage not for yourself, I think the functioning labels are extremely damaging for the ASD community and only helping for everyone else who do not experience our issues, I think most disability jargon is purely for the benefit of other people outside the community...would like to hear others thoughts on this.

My main problems aside from the fears I experience of the workplace and the pressures of working especially with a customer facing role like mine is that no matter how much I overexplain to my colleagues why I do weird things like pace around the office and wear headphones constantly and for the most part stick to myself, I always seem to get to the point that my colleagues end up hating me.

In every workplace I have been in I have experienced some form of bullying, In this particular job I have been emotionally rag dolled by different colleagues. I have been told that I am too nice to people, I have also been told not to let my trauma make me an ass hole after one of these explaining sessions where they have been nosey after I have got a little tearful trying to fend of a meltdown, I have been told I am very soft spoken and that I need to learn to raise my voice so people don't walk all over me but at the same time I have been told that how other people treat me as a co-worker is not okay even if it a reflection of their own problems it is not okay for them to treat me poorly and I should keep reporting this to management. I feel so pulled between all these narrative ways of thinking I often find I get lost easily and end up performing and masking even more to hide the fact I struggle to navigate this issue.

It is already very hard to navigate the workplace ibn other areas and I LOVE my job I am in a role which means I help people from all backgrounds of life and it is very rewarding, I just cannot do the colleague socialising part, I cannot wrap my head around it, I also feel that because of my perceived meekness I am considered weak or non intelligent by other staff and they often interfere with me and think they can tell me how to behave or do my job when I do very well and get a lot of great feedback from clients, the feedback I dislike the most is when other staff of the same level as me tell me what to do and feel comfortable criticising me to be helpful.

I find that because I am just soft spoken they can be very dominating and leave no room for me to respond but this may have something to do with how I cannot time my responses correctly to create a natural conversational flow so take responsibility for this too. Another issue I have had at this job is I cannot see the point of nor do I like to partake in workplace gossip which is something it seems they really want me to do for some odd reason it seems they egg me on to get me to react and its mind numbing when one part of me wants to fit in and go along with it and the other part of me despises the openly mean comments about other staff members. Some staff members even come over to me and stand near me within ear range so I overhear them and 'get the point' -  I am moving away from this part of the office in order to avoid this mental pressure very soon and think it will help me a lot but also may stir some negative feelings amongst my colleagues about me.

I have made the mistake before to go along with workplace drama to fit in and it has escalated to the point where colleagues have used these opportunities to lie about my conduct because they do not like me and I am not going to put myself in a position like that ever again because it is not in my character, I have since realised that this is a form of reactive abuse or mental abuse. All of this mental gymnastics has resulted in me beginning to write up conversations which are happening to me which upset me but WHY should I have to do this to feel safe in my workplace.

I have read on a lot of ASD forums that the reasons some people tend to find issues with us is that we tend to be very direct and never have double meaning whereas I find neurotypical people do and often read into what I say regardless of how direct, and honest I am and I have to admit I find this extremely neurotic and hard to manage so end up staying away from these kinds of people which I think may be the direction I am going in at my current workplace. The unfortunate part of my job is that it relies on shared team work as I am at managerial level as are my colleagues and we have a lot of group meetings, case conferences and rely on the support of each other when emergencies or difficult cases arise.

At the moment even as a 25 year old mother of 1 with a passion for psychology and sociology, I am finding the social structures, intricacies and depth of neurotypical socialising very difficult, Feeling often I am being encouraged by others with bad intentions who take advantage of my social ineptitude to trip up, say the wrong thing or I am being pushed to have an explosive reaction from the colleagues which are perhaps feeling challenged, jealous or annoyed with me which keep prodding at me mentally.

I will not let this get to me, I have learnt to work with my overwhelm to have healthier outlets for it and the only thing I can rely on is using my obsession with psychology and sociology to help me navigate the social world whilst accepting I may never be able to be full part of it but honestly I am relieved by this. What I cannot accept is why the people in this world can be so cruel and seemingly get away with it!

I hope that no one from any background or brain chemistry has the experiences that I have had because its very mentally difficult to comprehend especially when you always think other people have the best intentions but I want any other autistic person going through this to not feel bad about their struggles, the goodness that you see in others is a reflection of the goodness within yourself and I strongly encourage you to find your people at work, it may be one or two people at most but get the support where you can and sometimes be a little selfish on your journey to loving yourself.

ASD and proud.