Published on 12, July, 2020
Firstly, sorry this is probably going to break the forum record for the longest post ever written! Thanks in advance to anyone who manages to read it all. There is a brief mention of suicide in this post - mods, please add trigger warnings / edit etc if you need to, I've put one in the title.
Before my autism diagnosis I have been diagnosed with so many different mental health and physical health conditions including chronic fatigue syndrome (since age 16, 20 years ago), ibs (age 18), depression and anxiety (age 22), bipolar - (age 28), fibromyalgia (age 32), Borderline Personality Disorder (age 35). I also have type 1 diabetes and at long last an ASD diagnosis. I now know that I'm definitely not bipolar and don't have borderline persality disorder, it's autism. I am starting to wonder if most of these issues are actually a form of very long term burnout after childhood trauma, being in hospital with diabetes and dealing with school.
Since the age of 16 I've had varying levels of exhaustion, brain fog, inability to deal with everyday life stuff and what I thought were some kind of mental breakdowns and I now think are probably meltdowns.
This has become significantly worse in the last year or so and I don't know what to do about it. I have gone from being highly intelligent, highly functioning and (in my own way) sociable and organised to being an anxious mess, can't cope with everyday tasks like tidying up, putting the dishwasher on, getting ready for bed, deciding what to do at the weekend or what to have for dinner. I have meltdowns several times a week (yesterday it lasted 5 hours) usually over minor things like going to work, changes to routine, changed plans, new tasks, not knowing what to have for dinner... it's like my brain is fighting me and shutting down. I can hold them off for a while but I can't stop them.
Unfortunately my meltdowns have become really bad and terrifying, I have strong suicidal thoughts and a strong urge to hit myself in the head. I even have them at work and I think I'm scaring people. I don't feel able to talk to my GP or counsellor about how bad they are because I'm worried I'll be forced to go to hospital which would be my worst nightmare (I have a phobia of medical stuff) and I don't think it would help, I've had bad reactions to antidepressants in the past. As soon as I've gone through the meltdown my brain feels clear and I feel a sense of calm, as though I have no choice but to go through them.
I am hoping that someone here might be able to help me in the following ways:
For those of you who are worried - I'm safe, I have an agreement that I phone my husband when I feel a meltdown coming and we have plans in place to keep me safe. I just don't want to keep going like this for the rest of my life, something needs to change which means I need to either get help or understand what's happening to me.
Thanks again for reading.
I can identify with a lot of what you have said.
I am 43 and was only diagnosed two years ago. It felt like all of a sudden my ability to cope and mask was slipping and i was coming apart.
I too have long standing suicidal thoughts, to the point where a couple of years ago a neighbour was alerted and used a key and brought me back round. The hospital told me it was a nearly successful attempt.
I have self harmed since the age of 8 and my legs are quite badly scarred by this age. So i do empathise with a lot of the way you are feeling.
I use music mainly to help me escape. I usually use Metal to help my mental state, which is odd in itself i know!!!!
A therapist told me to think of a mantra that resonated with me and hand write it several times each morning. So i also have books and books filled with a Cradle of Filth lyric that has kept the suicidal tendencies at bay for a while now. Feel free to use it if you think it helps, or find your own, but it has really helped me. Mine is:
'Suicide is a tried and tested formula for release'
I get to work early and take out my book. (I keep it next to a little exit kit in my office. The kit and mantra kind of work together.) I write it out for 20 minutes before work. It allows me to realise that if life really is that bad, there is a way out. The option will always be there, so how about get through today, or even the next hour if im feeling particularly low, and se how it goes.
Having that choice has been a comfort blanket and has actually kept the darkness at bay to some degree.
I hope this helps, or at least makes sense. If not just ignore me. Not all my cylinders are firing anyway so i'll not take offence.
Love, Love and love.
Thank you Dogtooth, I love metal too so I can understand how it can help your mental health, it's not all negative and depressing, I find it calming and uplifting. I tend to find pop music very annoying because it seems so fake and doesn't reflect my life at all.