struggling

good evening

im writing here as i have no where else to turn to nobody to turn to i feel like every bit of energy i had has been taken from me.

im 34 i have zero friends i feel any friends i make theres never anyone understanding it seems women of my age still act immaturly ive had friends" reach out for me saying "dont shut yourself off im here" but will talk behind my back at any given moment. these friends also have children who have autism and will advocate for their children but speak to me knowing i have autism also like they can talk to me how they like they would put me down for over thinkiing put me down for my interests and obsessions its been like this for years with mixtures of different "friends" ive met i feel like their is something wrong with me ive never had a close friend and do not know in the slightest on how to make friends.

my only friend i had was my dog of 13 years a staffordshire bull terrier called bella who was my world and i dont care what anyone says dogs have emotions she was there for me through every trauma every upset every day for 13 years every christmas every birthday she passed away in may just gone from a brain tumour i have been lost ever since ive cried every day struggling without her i felt like she was my armour my strength knowing that even tho i have no friends and no close support i always had her i do have another dog i love him but the bond isnt the same i feel unsafe without her ifeel like i died with her i was with her when  she had to be put to sleep its a video on repat inside my head seeing thr light draw from my only friends eyes who accepted me for my stims my loves my joys just for me really you would think i should be happy but im struggling to be so.

i was diagnosed late at 23 while i was 8 months pregnant on my daughter who is going through the same way i ended up through school im fighting there as there is no help for autistic parents with autistic children.

im very depressed have been for so loong my battery feels so drained.

i do have a partner i been with 5 years hes very helpful supportive but he has let me down in the past having an addiction to drugs so my faith in those around e is so low i dont know how to keep on going.

i cant beg for friend i cant beg for employment when im scared to work i have tried so hard i done 6 jobs i just cannot hold one down without employers understanding me then you have the pressures of the DWP and the nob center trying to force me into jobs i know i cannot do or for fill i feel like im in a world i have no control in no happiness no strengths i feel so lost i turn to doctors who just medicate me which never works i just feel i do not belong here like im wasting energy time and oxygen my family are not very supportive i have 3 brothers each with autism one adhd and one pda and one just autistic with bpd they have tried to kill themselves several times there is no support for adults with autism my brothers do tend to get more understanding and support from my parents i seem to get left behind i feel so weak i feel like just leaving it all behind i love my daughter but her school has accused me of putting anxities onto her from my autistic experiences i feel like im not a good parent now i feel ridiculed i feel like i do not belong i dont know where to turn i just feel im never going to be happy or im not aloud to be i just want peace do not know where to turn i feel talking to  eople over the internet is better i need some help really