Published on 12, July, 2020
Are we over thinking our reactions behaviours ect. after masking for so long? I dont think i thought about my behaviour ect. so much before i discovered that i was autistic. I know that i am not masking as much as i was, and it feels good. My contact with people is limited from choice, and im ok with that. I think that its realising i dont have to be with people, if i dont want to be.
I'm a lot more aware of my behaviour since my autism revelation. But I'm also more aware of my needs too. I've always overthought and analysed.
What I'm finding though, is that I'm feeling less tolerant and more impatient towards people now. And I want to be around people less. It's really hard not to say, "sorry I'm not interested" or "sorry I don't do small talk". Or "I'm sorry I don't want to listen to all your problems". I feel bad that I feel like this, because it's not the real me. Or is it ?
Masking is exhausting.
Oh my gosh. You're not just you, I think you may be me too! I feel the same way. I've spent all the bandwidth I intend to making everyone else feel good. It's my turn. I just can't even make myself answer questions I think are dumb or obvious because I refuse to "enlighten" people by way of explaining myself. The answer to why is now simply, "because".I actually get really angry with myself if I happen to slip back into masking conversationally automatically. It's sometimes better to respond nonverbally with a point or thumbs-up for me.
Thank you for this.
I love the bandwidth part. And it being your turn. That's totally how I feel!