Published on 12, July, 2020
Going with the most common example; that being going outside amongst other people. For most of my life, being surrounded by strangers on the street was deeply nerve-racking. I've always had this issue of needing to treat every possible circumstance as being somewhat equally likely. A little old lady could be just as threatening as a hulking brute, albeit not necessarily in the exact same way (though I've imagined being shanked by a knitting needle).
A few months ago however I had a perception changing experience, where I spent regular time outside and amongst others with someone I trusted and enjoyed the company of. From that my perception of strangers changed from potential threats to... just other people. People who were once or are just kids, who go or went to school, and have made their share of silly blunders over their lives. Stubbed their toes. Dipped a paint brush in their drink. That everyone has qualities beyond what may make them threatening, and exaggerating that one aspect while ignoring everything else just makes life harder.
So, I'm not afraid to be out in public anymore. Instead, I get exceptionally angry being among them. I don't want to feel this way. But every bit of sensory input, every time I have to step aside to avoid walking into someone, every time I have to stand in a queue while others edge closer as if it helps them get to the cashier sooner, drives me up the wall. It's a completely irrational resentment that I'm aware of even as it's happening. But it's still there, and it makes me unenthused to go outside for other but still significant reasons. How am I supposed to push my boundaries and become a more functioning adult when I know that every attempt is going to make me sour and grumpy, undermining any possible rewarding feeling I could have gotten from it, you know?
Most autistic people experience alexithymia to some extent, so recognising the distinction between anxiety and anger is not always clear. You have an emotional response when surrounded by people and you have always believed that to be anxiety. That was perhaps a reasonable assumption in the absence of knowledge about your autism and how it affects you. Consider perhaps that the cause is sensory overload and it may make more sense.
When I look back upon the 'anxiety' I experienced on a daily basis for most of my life I now see that most of it was actually sensory overload, which I did not recognise or understand at the time.
When we think of sensory overload we think of the main senses (sound, sight, smell, taste, touch) and they play a big part. However there are other lesser know senses which also contribute. These are vestibular, proprioception and interoception.
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/sensory-differences/sensory-differences/all-audiences
https://neuroclastic.com/the-other-3-senses-you-never-knew-existed-but-you-should/
It is your proprioception which affects how you perceive where your body is in relation to others and which can result in you feeling overwhelmed by having other people in close proximity. It doesn't happen in isolation of course and all the other senses are also sending information for your brain to try and process. It might just be the thing that tips the balance into overload and sends you towards meltdown.
Oran G. Utan said:But every bit of sensory input, every time I have to step aside to avoid walking into someone, every time I have to stand in a queue while others edge closer as if it helps them get to the cashier sooner, drives me up the wall. It's a completely irrational resentment that I'm aware of even as it's happening. But it's still there, and it makes me unenthused to go outside for other but still significant reasons. How am I supposed to push my boundaries and become a more functioning adult
Hopefully you will now see that what you are experiencing is not irrational. It is how you experience the world as an autistic person. It is not so much about pushing your boundaries but more about understanding your limits. Knowing when to push and when to step back to avoid overload.
For example while shopping you could try going at quieter times when there is less likely to be a queue. You could wear a sunflower lanyard and politely ask those around you to give you more space, as long as your anger isn't going to lead to confrontation. If you feel yourself too overloaded you could leave the store and try again later once you are calmer.
This is an insightful response, thank you. And I'll definitely read up on the materials you linked, for these extra senses are news to me.
In reference to how I can adjust to better cope with these things, however, unfortunately I'm already making these trips at what should be the quitest parts of the day; early to mid day on week days. Alas even the quiet hours see my reachable avenues quite busy. But I'll continue to do my best to manage in a way that fits me.