Published on 12, July, 2020
Going with the most common example; that being going outside amongst other people. For most of my life, being surrounded by strangers on the street was deeply nerve-racking. I've always had this issue of needing to treat every possible circumstance as being somewhat equally likely. A little old lady could be just as threatening as a hulking brute, albeit not necessarily in the exact same way (though I've imagined being shanked by a knitting needle).
A few months ago however I had a perception changing experience, where I spent regular time outside and amongst others with someone I trusted and enjoyed the company of. From that my perception of strangers changed from potential threats to... just other people. People who were once or are just kids, who go or went to school, and have made their share of silly blunders over their lives. Stubbed their toes. Dipped a paint brush in their drink. That everyone has qualities beyond what may make them threatening, and exaggerating that one aspect while ignoring everything else just makes life harder.
So, I'm not afraid to be out in public anymore. Instead, I get exceptionally angry being among them. I don't want to feel this way. But every bit of sensory input, every time I have to step aside to avoid walking into someone, every time I have to stand in a queue while others edge closer as if it helps them get to the cashier sooner, drives me up the wall. It's a completely irrational resentment that I'm aware of even as it's happening. But it's still there, and it makes me unenthused to go outside for other but still significant reasons. How am I supposed to push my boundaries and become a more functioning adult when I know that every attempt is going to make me sour and grumpy, undermining any possible rewarding feeling I could have gotten from it, you know?
I'm concerned that I might be heading in the same direction. Going from fearful to angry.
For me, this might just be part of the grieving process. I only discovered that I'm Autistic just over a month ago. Its very unlikely that I would do or say anything either. But I don't like how I'm feeling. I'm usually the most zen person you'll ever meet.
I feel that I'm becoming less tolerant of people. The small talk, them wanting me to listen to their problems. We are talking neighbours and strangers here.
I feel angry that I wouldn't be accepted if I shared my news, or started stimming in front of them. A kind of you wouldn't accepted me, so why should I accept you attitude is going on in my mind.
I want to be left alone, but at the same time crave connection.
I'm going through a process (part of which brought me to this site) of going through the motions of change, despite every instinct in my mind telling me that it won't help in the end. I think even if you don't have faith in the process, doing nothing will only make the hardships you're facing now worse as you let time pass you by.