Published on 12, July, 2020
Going with the most common example; that being going outside amongst other people. For most of my life, being surrounded by strangers on the street was deeply nerve-racking. I've always had this issue of needing to treat every possible circumstance as being somewhat equally likely. A little old lady could be just as threatening as a hulking brute, albeit not necessarily in the exact same way (though I've imagined being shanked by a knitting needle).
A few months ago however I had a perception changing experience, where I spent regular time outside and amongst others with someone I trusted and enjoyed the company of. From that my perception of strangers changed from potential threats to... just other people. People who were once or are just kids, who go or went to school, and have made their share of silly blunders over their lives. Stubbed their toes. Dipped a paint brush in their drink. That everyone has qualities beyond what may make them threatening, and exaggerating that one aspect while ignoring everything else just makes life harder.
So, I'm not afraid to be out in public anymore. Instead, I get exceptionally angry being among them. I don't want to feel this way. But every bit of sensory input, every time I have to step aside to avoid walking into someone, every time I have to stand in a queue while others edge closer as if it helps them get to the cashier sooner, drives me up the wall. It's a completely irrational resentment that I'm aware of even as it's happening. But it's still there, and it makes me unenthused to go outside for other but still significant reasons. How am I supposed to push my boundaries and become a more functioning adult when I know that every attempt is going to make me sour and grumpy, undermining any possible rewarding feeling I could have gotten from it, you know?
Oran G. Utan said:I'm not afraid to be out in public anymore. Instead, I get exceptionally angry being among them.
sounds like you need to speak with a therapist.
This change in behaviour to something potentially threatening to others (and yourself) is something you are aware of and have responsibility to limit the danger to others.
If you know you are at risk of having a bad day and the situation of someone stadning too close to you in the supermarket que leading you you beating them with a bottle, then you need to do something about it. What is it is someone who doesn't know that it is bad manners to be too close (a child, a Downs person etc)?
When you become that danger then you need to do something about it, whether removing yourself from the situation or getting treatment to change the risk of you erupting in anger.
That would be my take on your situation.
I understand the concern, but I'm at no risk to anyone from these feelings of frustration. I don't lose my temper. I just get these feelings that make experiences unpleasant. In the past 20~ years the worst I've done is raise my voice on a couple of occassions, which took a lot to get out of me.