Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi no debate tonight I’m afraid. Basically I’m in a relationship with someone and I want more from it I have tried to speed things up but he won’t have it he gets overwhelmed. We both have autism and I’m in my 30s he in his 40s but it works well for us. I have tried hinting we go out for a meal no luck I’ve tried dressing up nice for him he likes it but that’s about it. We kiss on the cheek and hold hands and snuggle up together watch films together eat pizza or Chinese which is nice but I want more. I think this issue is I have been in relationships before but they ended badly and my boyfriend hasn’t been in a relationship at all. We have spoken and we are growing closer he just says he still getting used to having a woman in his life. How can I help him get used to being in a relationship? I have tried and tried different techniques even tried telling him straight I want more but that just caused an overload and he just sent me a very abrupt message back and blocked my number for the day but that has been sorted now and we are arguing less he just tells me now to slow down and to relax. I do want us to work out and I know deep down things will work out as we both are trying to understand one another.
Maybe He is higher up on the spectrum than you are ?....
Rach91 said:How can I help him get used to being in a relationship?
It sounds like it is likely to be a long, slow process from what your describe.
He will most likely have issues in opening himself up emotionally and possibly intimately if he has no experience with this before you. It will be a scary prospect of not knowing what is expected of him (nevermind the self confidence required to expose yourself emotionally).
Rach91 said:I do want us to work out and I know deep down things will work out as we both are trying to understand one another.
This does set off some alarm bells for me as it sounds like this lack of fundamental understanding and shared goals is setting poor foundations for the relationship to build on.
I would suggest you take stock of your needs at this stage and decide if the investment (of time, energy and emotional involvement) is worth it for what may be a dead end for you. Unfortunately the chances of you getting the sort of relationship you want may be slim as he will be very set in his ways).
My gut feeling is that you may be better off finding someone more on your wavelength for the relationship as this will remove a lot of hurdles for you and get things moving to the stages you mention.
This may come across as a bit harsh but I'm trying to cut through a lot of the usual niceties that surround relationship advice and get to the core of what I see the issue being - speeding things up as you are suggesting you want in the relationship.
Whatever you decide, I wish you happiness in your future.
Define ‘want more?’ Want to go out more? Maybe it’s not you maybe he’s agrophobic. Want more commitment? What would that look like? Marriage? Cohabitation? kids? Each has their own factors that might intimidate or put off an autistic person. Or are you talking about sex?
Have you asked him how he feels? I think as you get to understand each other better, you'll feel better about it.
I have been in my relationship for 27 years and have 2 boys who are 8 and 12. I would say try to think what you have rather than what you want at the min. My wife is Nt and we really do struggle to understand each other which can be very difficult. So what I’m saying is relationships are never perfect. It sounds like what you both do have is a good understanding of each other and I think that’s a brilliant thing to build on for the future. I often think about what things would be like if my partner understood me a little better. Take it very slowly and see where it goes, I’m sure by the sound of it you’ll be just fine someday. hang on to what you have which is someone you’re really comfortable with and is a true friend.
good luck
Being his first relationship in his 40s, I can understand him wanting to take things slow. I would try to just be patient and maybe you could try little things at a time. If he gets uncomfortable then give it more time or take a step back, but if hes fine then you could try a bit more, then eventually you could get to the point you want.
But also he may not ever want to do more. Certain types of affection aren't for everyone, and being autistic could make that experience even better or worse than it would be for a NT. If thats the case then hopefully you both could find some middle ground that help you both be comfortable.
just sounds like a thing that will take time really.although yeah being 30 year old if you want more your really at the end of time so i can understand your want or a bit more urgency if you want more in some ways. i dunno i never been in a relationship myself haha any idea i get would probably be a friendzone idea, like gaming together or watching films while having beers and snacks or whatever and chilling.