Published on 12, July, 2020
Folks, feel free to completely ignore this post!Experiencing really high levels of frustration due to the effects of insomnia on the ability to function daily, and the fact that - even with several days off over Christmas - trying to rebalance rest will be as elusive as ever. I don't know where the insomnia stems from, may be anxiety related, or just undetected other stressors, or just being autistic and some form of compromised physiological system. It has been an issue off and on for over 30 years, but the past three have been the worst with many nights running at around 4 hours sleep maximum. This has caused problems with daytime function, and issues of self-control and behaviour, which in turn seems to have fed back into the insomnia through associated stress and guilt. Herbal remedies, relaxation, anti-depressants and sleeping tablets have all failed to make any sort of long-term impact. I've had counselling to try and address some of these things for the past 3 years now, and - if I have made any progress through repeatedly bearing my soul - it has been minimal. I have just felt gradually more and more eroded by the impact on physical, mental and emotional health. Why am I mentioning this? Because what else do you do early in the morning after being up for a ridiculous amount of time already.have had the ASC diagnosis for five months now, and again not sure if it has really made any quantifiable difference except it's now possible to identify that ASC seems to be at the heart of this. Stating the obvious, the diagnosis in and of itself hasn't made any difference, and there is essentially no support for it except that which is personally paid for (i.e. counselling). I know that the idea should be to re-craft life around what works given the understanding that autism is at play here, yet I feel so utterly entrenched in the demands of life alongside utterly visionless about how life could 'look' better other than that I might actually sleep, not wake up feeling like I've been hit by a bus and have to drag myself through the day. I mean, how the heck do you re-shape what you are doing in life when - externally - you are doing the 'right' things (working, raising a family, helping out at church, etc) and yet it all just adds up to an inability to cope. Like, the payback for trying to do good stuff is just that you have to go off and hide in some little corner and try and find a healthy coping mechanism (and frequently fail to).So tired, and yet can't sleep it off. Seems like I can pull stuff together to function as needed by others (although even that capacity seems increasginly taxed of late) and whenever I'm 'off demand' then I can't direct myself to do anything useful but waste the time in a daze.
Married, with kids, and nominal friends, yet feel so totally isolated in this and irredeemably stuck. Hating the consequences and just feeling increasingly dragged down which seems to indicate that there is a decreasing chance of being rational or organised enough to solve any personal issues causing distress.Apologies for the above, hopefully having written it has at least reduced the immediate stress and therefore the need to try and regulate through destructive stimming. There just doesn't seem to be an equitable resolution to any of this.
Enough.
I can relate to the insomnia and struggling to function at times. I note you mention the last 3 years being difficult. I have found since the pandemic things have been a lot harder. I can have periods when I sleep better, but then back to getting more and more tired and never getting back to normal, whatever that is.
One thing I have observed is that sleep is always worse the night before I start work and the night I finish work. I think the latter is because when I am not working there is no routine. I look forward to having days off ( I only work 4 days a week), but then it doesn't always turn out to be relaxing. I agree with Christmas not feeling relaxing.
To help I try to get up in the mornings around the same time, maybe half an hour later at weekends in the hope I might be more tired at bedtime. Also when the schools go back I often book a day off for me time and either go for a walk somewhere quiet or watch something relaxing on TV.
You ask what to do if you wake early. I find being awake when it's dark worse, although getting to sleep is a greater problem and I am usually awake between 5 and 6. I try to tell myself it does not matter if I am not sleeping and find ways of distracting my mind like listening to gentle music or summer mornings to birdsong. I also try to listen to music before I go to bed which sometimes helps my mind to switch off. Some nights nothing works and I struggle even when I am not thinking about anything in particular.
Not sure if this is helpful and can relate to the struggling to function when tired.