Published on 12, July, 2020
Folks, feel free to completely ignore this post!Experiencing really high levels of frustration due to the effects of insomnia on the ability to function daily, and the fact that - even with several days off over Christmas - trying to rebalance rest will be as elusive as ever. I don't know where the insomnia stems from, may be anxiety related, or just undetected other stressors, or just being autistic and some form of compromised physiological system. It has been an issue off and on for over 30 years, but the past three have been the worst with many nights running at around 4 hours sleep maximum. This has caused problems with daytime function, and issues of self-control and behaviour, which in turn seems to have fed back into the insomnia through associated stress and guilt. Herbal remedies, relaxation, anti-depressants and sleeping tablets have all failed to make any sort of long-term impact. I've had counselling to try and address some of these things for the past 3 years now, and - if I have made any progress through repeatedly bearing my soul - it has been minimal. I have just felt gradually more and more eroded by the impact on physical, mental and emotional health. Why am I mentioning this? Because what else do you do early in the morning after being up for a ridiculous amount of time already.have had the ASC diagnosis for five months now, and again not sure if it has really made any quantifiable difference except it's now possible to identify that ASC seems to be at the heart of this. Stating the obvious, the diagnosis in and of itself hasn't made any difference, and there is essentially no support for it except that which is personally paid for (i.e. counselling). I know that the idea should be to re-craft life around what works given the understanding that autism is at play here, yet I feel so utterly entrenched in the demands of life alongside utterly visionless about how life could 'look' better other than that I might actually sleep, not wake up feeling like I've been hit by a bus and have to drag myself through the day. I mean, how the heck do you re-shape what you are doing in life when - externally - you are doing the 'right' things (working, raising a family, helping out at church, etc) and yet it all just adds up to an inability to cope. Like, the payback for trying to do good stuff is just that you have to go off and hide in some little corner and try and find a healthy coping mechanism (and frequently fail to).So tired, and yet can't sleep it off. Seems like I can pull stuff together to function as needed by others (although even that capacity seems increasginly taxed of late) and whenever I'm 'off demand' then I can't direct myself to do anything useful but waste the time in a daze.
Married, with kids, and nominal friends, yet feel so totally isolated in this and irredeemably stuck. Hating the consequences and just feeling increasingly dragged down which seems to indicate that there is a decreasing chance of being rational or organised enough to solve any personal issues causing distress.Apologies for the above, hopefully having written it has at least reduced the immediate stress and therefore the need to try and regulate through destructive stimming. There just doesn't seem to be an equitable resolution to any of this.
Enough.
I have massive issues with sleeping too and similarly have tried all sorts of things. Any sensory issues I have are amplified when I'm tired. I recently tried a 6-7 week sleep programme that I was able to get through work, it seemed to help, but once I stopped my sleep has gone a bit haywire again. I have found that getting up the same time every single day defo helps. Trying not to watch TV, use a phone or a computer for an hour before I go to bed helps, writing stuff down earlier in the evening, keeping the bedroom just for sleep. Drinking definitely does not help me.
Is this Christmas really a break for you? It sounds quite hectic, I'm not sure Christmas is a break when you have demands on your time from family and friends.
I was diagnosed in January. I used to do this thing of filling up all my time, if I stopped it would be like things might catch up with me so I had to keep going. I'm trying to get better at this, learning to say no and that's it's ok to ask for help, whether that's at work or in my personal life. Even so, I realised last Friday that I'd only taken 6 days off work since the beginning of July and I hadn't had a whole week off since May which isn't good.
I need to get better at creating that space for myself, to avoid getting completely burned out again, making sure I regularly have a week off.
NAS84405 said:whenever I'm 'off demand' then I can't direct myself to do anything useful but waste the time in a daze.
Down time isn't a waste of time - I used to think this. I used to spend a Saturday in front of my computer, then beat myself up on the Sunday thinking I'd wasted a whole day and running round doing stuff like washing/cleaning etc. I don't think that anymore as I know I need that time, so I can cope with all the other busy times better. I need to stop being my own worst critic. If you're in a daze it's possibly your mind or your body telling you to stop.
Let's keep trying to find a little bit of inner peace, take care!
Thanks for sharing that, Joe. Helpful to have other experiences and perspectives, which help to reduce the sense of isolation and express a more positive approach.