Published on 12, July, 2020
i’ve always loved christmas but i think today has changed my view to officially hating it. the worst day ever, worst time with family, received the most painful message from my younger sister and ended up leaving some of my family half way through opening presents to sob and hyperventilate in my room for over an hour - nobody checked in or asked if i was okay afterwards even though i had visibly been crying. exhausted beyond reason. having a month off of therapy for the christmas break but i need it more than ever. family outright refuse to understand autism and what it means for me, everything i do is boiled down to me being manipulative, uncaring, the most selfish and unworthy person alive. nobody in my life to turn to and terrified for my future. losing my skills by the day, completely lost the ability to answer the door for fear of who might be standing there. spend all day journaling and watching critical role - the last special interest i have left that can distract me (even then it’s wobbly) - and replaying every memory i’ve ever had to the point of nausea. i write about how i would sacrifice every good memory of everyone/thing i’ve ever loved if it meant i could also remove every bad memory and the ability to remember. i speak less and less to the point where i go 4 or 5 days at a time without saying a single word. it feels hopeless, i’m so ashamed of my life and i feel forever tarred by the things i’ve done and how unwell i became pre-diagnosis and pre-sobriety. none of this really makes sense and for some reason i’m pouring my heart out to a message board
We've had a small mountain of posts like this over Christmas and, yes, I should imagine many of us have similar complaints. Luckily, now my family knows I'm ASD this year was a bit more tolerable. Although it's not been helped as events yesterday make it clear to me my mother has early signs of dementia and I'm trying to work out how to approach that.
My advice to you is if your family is being unsupportive then accept that and get support that's available elsewhere. With your GP, support groups, friends, this forum, or through therapy. I know it's unfortunate, but that's the situation - be creative, adapt, get the support elsewhere. It's readily available.
Being "ashamed" of your life... why? Because you happen to be autistic?! We see a lot of this on the forum as well and it's wallowing in self-pity, it's not healthy or a good look. Focus on self-improvement and develop inner strength to overcome these issues. Work on ways to build your confidence.
You've had a confidence knock. What you need to do is get measures in place to deal with that, rather than having a meltdown every time you face a personal crisis. Prep is your best asset here. And I type this out because I have the same issues and have dealt with it in the same way previously (I'm an alcoholic).
But none of the last 48 hours needs to determine your 2024.
This is what I realised a few years ago. You've got to do everything you can to put in place effective control measures and positivity, so when things like this happen you can turn to them for support. The alternative is just freaking out. Doesn't feel good, right? So aim to control it.
‘so aim to control it’ is very condescending and this was just kind of a mean reply … crying over something genuinely upsetting is a very reasonable response. i’m also not ashamed of being autistic, but i am deeply upset and ashamed at how being undiagnosed (and misdiagnosed with other harmful labels!) and unsupported for over twenty years caused me to become so unwell before i could put the right things in place to help myself.
also, even with preparation and a thousand things to support myself, meltdowns will still happen. they aren’t something i can remove from my life.
i can accept that my family are wholly unsupportive and also mourn the fact that they should - both of these things can be true at the same time
You can't spell families without lies! (Four Christmases)