Published on 12, July, 2020
This has the potentail to turn into a wall of rubbish so sorry in advance.Im 40, soon to be 41.Around 2 years ago I became aware I really didnt act in the world or see the world in the same way as others did.I guessed I might be autistic, the more "self aware" I became. I read about the NHS 10 questions GP uses to decide on a autistic mental health referal. Its 6 out of 10 to get a referal, I got 9.I heard on the TV about the 50 questions for autistic adults from Oxford Uni, that can help diagnose. Over 30 and you have strong autistic traits. I get 33.So I spoke to GP, I explained things like how my emotions dont go very high or very low, I kind of float along in a grey, thats how I describe it. I want to feel more, but don't seem to register it.Things like xmas and birthdays I always refer to them as just another day because that bang, the pop of excitment I know I should have had as a kid on the day just neve came, just grey, knowing I should feel more, but somehow did not.He sent off a referal but it got refused, no services available locally for adults that need a diagnosis if they are "functioning". I was told I would have to go private.SorryEnd of conversation......So now im trying to tell my employer that I might be, but in delicate ways so it doesnt sound like im trying to be differant or get out of work or being lazy.I've tried to explain to the few friends I have but all of their responses where "your not autistic, you cant be, nothing wrong with you".... because they cant see inside my head. This has been the case for the last while and now im just siting here thinking, is this real, im a wrong, do other "normal" people feel like this and im just like everyone else. The root cause of this "realisation" is that I started properly working when I was 17, 9-5 is all ive know really. Ive alwasy been busy, risen through the ranks, done all sorts, intrested in so many things, good at lots, always creating, finding soltutions and busy busy busy. Always looking for logiical efficent ways of working, joining the dots. Working independantly.I would be happy in a room full of people, as long as I was in the corner, away from them all, noise in the background, but dont be near me. I always work best alone, have no trust in others.Now after 23 years, I find my self working at home most of the time, alone, with little to do, not busy, not rising through the ranks, not working on anythign thats keeping my brain busy. my brains eating its self, trying to think logically around any challenge I can get my hands on... which is where I think the "awaking" started, being more aware of "me" as I get more frustrated.When I do have to work in an office, i find have this social energy which is almost bursting for a few minutes, then its gone and I want everyone to just keep away again and I want to isolate my self.Another thing, road sign posts or takeaway menus above the counter, meaningless, random images of things I cant process... unless ive processed everything else around me, the sounds, the smells, where are people at, what are they doing. Its just blurred nonsense until ive done that, then things come into focus.It makes driving new places a nightmare, or going out for food with very understanding other half..... and starting to ramble so i'll end here.
NAS90686 said:Things like xmas and birthdays I always refer to them as just another day because that bang, the pop of excitment I know I should have had as a kid on the day just neve came, just grey, knowing I should feel more, but somehow did not.
I relate to this. I can feel deep emotions but I feel like I mostly can only absorb others emotions (like in movies and somtimes in real life if they are feeling it strongly). I have my own emotions mostly when im very angry or sad, otherwise I too kind of feel in the grey. And I have always said that I dont understand how holidays are different from any other day. Like new years eve, is just people assigning importance to a random moment of time (which was created by humans). Im sure time exsists because things do change, but I dont feel time. I cant tell if an hour went by or 5min. So holidays just seem weird and an unnecessary time to create dissruption to normal routine. And I dont feel any excitment at holdiay time, most of the time I even forget about christmas and other holidays.
NAS90686 said:This has been the case for the last while and now im just siting here thinking, is this real, im a wrong, do other "normal" people feel like this and im just like everyone else.
For some time while researching autism and other neurodivergence, I would feel so certain that I finnaly understood myself. But then I would think what if everybody experiances these things? I cant see their head so how can I know? I then I worry that I made it up to be different. Or ill see something that says for example "autists have trouble with holding a pencil" then I think, I dont have trouble with that so does that mean I cant be autistic? It took some time to fully realise and accept that autism is a spectrum, and my autistic experiance wont be exactly the same as someone elses autistic experiance. If you scored highly on the tests, and you feel like you can identify with being autistic, they you probably are. I think its okay to call yourself autistic. And what, worst case senario is when you die you find out you werent actually autistic, but if making autistic accomidations in your life helped you function better, then I say its okay if you didnt have the exact right label.